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not choosing my sibling for the guardian

(12 Posts)
Mumtumwhatever Mon 04-Apr-16 03:01:08

I am renewing my will because I'm recently divorced. When it came to naming who I would want the children to go to (2 girls under 10), should both my ExH and I pass, I chose a really good friend and her husband over my brother.

However I'm feeling a little bad because he would be shattered ( he has one son and he and his wife have tried but are unable to have more children). He loves his nieces to death.

I love my brother and get along great but I can't say I like his wife much and their views on the world, and towards education, life etc are very different to mine.

The fiend who I have named as guardian clearly loves my girls too and is amazing and a great mum / professional and she too has only one child and is struggling to have any more.

She is a fabulous role model for my girls and she and her husband would expose the girls to so many wonderful things my brother would not (travel, encouraging further education, languages, worldly views).

My friend is Canadian like me and lives in the UK but my brother (and my parents) live in Canada.

However, is blood thicker than water? My brother would be devastated if he found out. Should I keep the girls "in the family" and put my brother down as guardian? They wouldn't be short of love in his home, my brother is a real softy (although I do find his wife a bit scary)

My brother and I are close but we're not close with our parents so there is little extended family in Canada. There is also a chance later on he may move to Australia with his wife.

Opinions welcome!

katienana Mon 04-Apr-16 03:05:33

This has come up before and the general consensus is that if family wanted your kids they would get them. however I don't know if the fact that they'd have to move countries would make a difference. It would be awfully disruptive for your daughters.
Are there family on your exh side in the uk who would want them?

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 04-Apr-16 03:29:25

Have you asked your friend if you could name her as guardian? What was her reaction?

Laquila Mon 04-Apr-16 03:30:43

I don't think blood is thicker than water in this situation, no. I think this is definitely a case where you just have to choose whoever would, overall, provide the best home for your daughters. The fact that your brother is in another country is a big minus, and to my mind, reason enough, although he may of course not see it like that. Are you planning on telling your brother. if you decide not to have him?

Mumtumwhatever Tue 05-Apr-16 20:57:15

I have asked my friend if she would have them should the situation arise and she and her husband said definitely.

My ex does have a brother who has a family but they too live overseas. That may be difficult because should both my ex and I pass, there probably would be a fight over which side of the family would get the children. Oh the drama! That fight would happen regardless of who I named. My ex doesn't get on with his brother or SIL but they both love our girls but they've got their hands full with two boys.

I actually haven't told my brother of my decision because I don't want it to affect our relationship now for something that may never happen.

Let's hope it really never happens!

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 08-Apr-16 23:38:59

OP, all you can do is what you think would be best for your DCs. Even if that means that other people will be pissed off.

You have made the best plan for your children and I too hope it never has to be implemented. Health and love to you all.

Mumtumwhatever Thu 14-Apr-16 07:34:09

Thanks everyone. Regardless of who I choose there would be a fight should ExH and I both pop out clogs because he will no doubt name different guardians in his will.

Our divorce fight will continue beyond the grave!! Sigh.

SavoyCabbage Thu 14-Apr-16 07:48:51

I think that the fact that the children would have to move to another country has to be a big part of your decision.

When we moved abroad, my sister changed her will to leave her dc with h dh's brother instead of with us as she didn't want her dd to have to move abroad with us in the event of her and her dh dying. And she was right too.

One of our friends asked us to have their dc if they died and I said no. They are close with their family but do not necessarily agree with their views.

TheNotoriousPMT Thu 14-Apr-16 08:04:12

I think you've done the right thing - I'm no psychologist but surely, in the event of your death, it would be better for your dc to be in a familiar place with familiar people?

HereIAm20 Mon 19-Sep-16 15:08:48

My family all live in the US (parents and sister) and my husband's family - well say no more. We have named friends as guardians (with their consent) as they live in the Uk, son would be able to continue his education and they have more in common with us than the family members. I know my friend knows my views on many matters and has similar views too.

I know my sister loves my son but the reality is that the friend knows him better and his life would be less disrupted.

Note3 Wed 12-Oct-16 21:50:07

I happened to be discussing this scenario with my DH the other day. He agreed with my decision that should anything happen to us and none of our other family were able to take on our children then we would prefer they were adopted rather than be handed over to my brother. I hand on heart would never ever want him responsible for their care. My situation is different from yours in that I do not get on with my brother and would be dismayed if he became my children's role model and protector. Tbh he'd be grateful not to be handed their care anyway!

With your situation I would suggest that you wrote a letter to your brother and your girls explaining the reason for your decision (of course being careful how you word 'I find SIL scary'!!). This would not only assist a judgement in any ensuing court case but also would perhaps soothe your brothers hurt feelings and go towards maintaining family ties as if he feels betrayed and hurt without an explanation he may feel unable to make as much effort with your children due to feeling rejected. Also it would be important your girls knew you did treasure and value him it just seemed best they stayed where they were settled?

Note3 Wed 12-Oct-16 21:51:24

Oh and to add when I say I suggest you write a letter...I mean as a supplement to your will and allocation of guardianship to be read when they time comes. I'm not proposing you post it to him now!

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