Racist MIL

[AsYourMakerICommandYou]

Hi all, thought I would ask for some honest insight into the situation. My MIL is from Thailand, FIL is British and a prat, buts that's another story,my DM is Polish, DF is British. The first time I met my now MIL, I was 16, and had a bit of a fairytale idea of how the initial introductions would go...turns out, it was shit. She didn't say a word to me the whole time, only asked DH questions about me and when I attempted to answer them, she spoke over me. I guess she got bored with that after a while, and started speaking Thai to DH, who clearly acknowledged her rudeness and answered her in English. We left pretty swiftly, and DH was so apologetic. Fast forward about a week...I walked into DH's bedroom (thank god he didn't live with his mother!) and he was on the phone to MIL. He asked her what her problem is and I heard her say "you're dating a white girl". Fast forward again 5 years: DH and I are married (btw MIL refused to come to the wedding after she found out the ceremony would be relayed in Polish) with beautiful baby DD...and his mother still hates me. And refuses to acknowledge our DD.
Now, I'm assuming some of you have twigged onto where my confusion stems from...my MIL hates me so much because I'm white, but she married and had DH with FIL who, you guessed it, is white! So, am I missing something? Can anyone lend any insight as to why it's such a problem for her son to be married to a white British woman, but it's ok for her to have once been married to a white British man?! I have an inkling as to what the answer is, but I don't think it's even worth the bother to confront her with it.

[NannyOggsHedgehogs]

Maybe nobody will ever be good enough for her special wee snowflake, and your ethnic origin is the fall guy?

[AsYourMakerICommandYou]

Hmm maybe...in a way I can kinda understand her being over protective when we were kids and she maybe thought it was just a teenage romance...but now? It's fucking ridiculous. She won't even look st a photo of her granddaughter. My inkling is that it was ok for her to marry FIL because it was financially beneficial for her...but DH hasn't gained anything financially from marrying me! To be honest, I couldn't care less if she hates me, regardless of the reason, but to completely ignore my daughter?! That's fucked up.

[lightgreenglass]

That is beyond stupid! Does DH still keep in contact with her? If my MIL refused to acknowledge me and my daughter I would expect my DH to go NC.

[AsYourMakerICommandYou]

lightgreenglass He doesn't speak to her directly - he's has furious as I am, but he is in contact with his half-siblings.

[LastOneDancing]

Where's your FIL? From your OP do I infer that her rich white DH left her for a white woman and therefore all white women are family wreckers?

She's just unpleasant and bitter. Leave her to it. I can imagine it hurts but why would you want someone like this having any influence over your lovely DD?

[AsYourMakerICommandYou]

LastOneDancing FIL is indeed married to a white British woman now maybe that's it....I have no idea.
I just don't want DD to grow up around my parents and then ask her dad "well where's my other grandma?" - how would I explain that?

[NationalTrustLadyGardens]

I think it's the same blinding lack of logic as when mothers are feminists when it comes to their daughters, but believe their sons' wives should do all the housework, childcare and cooking because their sons work so hard and deserve to put their feet up when they get in from their hard day.

[FredaMayor]

Coming from a multi-ethnic family myself, I thing your MIL had it in her mind for some reason that her son would marry someone from her own background that she could communicate with boss about. and mirror her relationship with her own DM/MIL. Does MIL come from a rural family?

DH's first duty is to you and DCs, and MIL must choose whether to accept that. IME it can take years for attitudes to change, and sometimes they never do.

[FrancesNiadova]

Initially, my MIL hated me because I wasn't from, "her," city - I am from a village 50 miles up the road.
Next, she hated me because DH & I were getting married & she hates weddings & brides.
I breastfed my DCs, which she hated because it's so rude & disgusting.
When my career took off she hated me because I was therefore a bad mother & anyway, women shouldn't work because they're taking the jobs from the men.
She hated me when my 1st breast lump was benign, she actually muttered, "more's the pity," under her breath, but just loud enough so that I could hear, when I told her.
We're no-contact now...she doesn't bother with my DC because she has other GC now!
Thing is, op, it doesn't matter who you are, what you do, or whether your skin tone is sky blue pink with yellow dots on. Your MIL wouldn't like anyone your DH was married to.
Don't take it personally & take 10 steps away from her.
Let DH keep in touch as much, or as little, as he wants to.
You just step away from the crazy.

[SanityClause]

I gave a MIL like yours, but she's from the Black Country.

It's not that no one would be good enough for her son, though, in my case. It's just that she sees me as having more influence over him than she does, so she can't boss him around as much, anymore.

And j certainly committed the cardinal sin of being poor.