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Should I tell DH he has half sister / brother?

(6 Posts)
Sweetasstevia Sat 20-Dec-14 14:33:41

Found out a huuuuge family bombshell today: apparently FIL was married before had a couple of children but then left them all to shack up with my (late) MIL. He didn't treat his first wife very well by all accounts and it caused a bit of a rift in the family. I'm certain that DH has absolutely no idea about any of this! What the heck do I do? Say nothing? Tell FIL I know and ask him to tell DH. Tell DH directly? I really wish is never been told as I feel in a really tricky position now! Would you want to know if you had half siblings you didn't know existed?

TheSpottedZebra Sat 20-Dec-14 14:39:19

Of course you should tell him! Wouldn't you be gutted if he knew something about your blood family that he'd not told you?

I have a range of half siblings. Some I've known about my whole life, others I have found about about later. But not all of them know about each other, and I hate having to keep that secret.

Secrets like that are corrosive. Just tell him what you know or have heard, and he will react how he reacts - he might know and not care, not know and care, not know and not care, etc etc...

EBearhug Sat 20-Dec-14 14:53:00

Yes, you should tell him, but it needs sensitivity, so you need to think about the timing. It will come out sometime, so better to do it well.

I found out I had a half-sister when I was 26; I had had absolutely no idea, and it totally turned my world upside down, and I still have trust issues (now in my 40s) - what else might they have lied about or just not told me? My full sister had had some inkling that there was some unknown history, but had actively decided not to find out, and was really angry with me for making her know - but I hadn't known she'd decided not to know (we'd never talked about it, and I was too naive to have had any suspicions that she had.) And in any case, it's an impossible situation - if she later found out that I knew and had decided not to tell her, then she'd have been angry about that, too, and it wasn't fair on me to carry the burden of knowledge alone.

How your husband reacts will depend on a whole host of things, including any suspicions he may already have had, what his relationship is like with his father, whether he has any full siblings. Does your FiL have contact with his earlier family? Would there be chances of meeting up, if anyone wanted it?

I think I'd probably want to tell him myself, but I might want to talk to FiL first, but that also depends on how you get on with FiL. It might be better coming from FiL - as I say a lot does depend on existing relationships, and this is going to change them irrevocably. Things won't ever be the same again, but it should come out, in a way you can control, rather than being blurted out in the heat of an argument sometime or something like that.

I hope for all your sakes it helps to make your lives better. If not - well, I saw a therapist, and that helped. Good luck.

ColdCottage Sat 20-Dec-14 23:45:22

Yes please tell him but perhaps get some guidance from professional on how to pass on such huge news so you can all cope with the emotional fall out after.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Mon 27-Jul-15 05:34:34

Would want to know if it were me...

BuT-is this information reliable /true? Would speal to FIL first and then decide what to do.

Reubs15 Sun 02-Aug-15 08:25:34

Speak to fil first then tell him as you don't know if it's reliable information. The longer you don't tell your husband the morr it will hurt him that you could keep such a big secret from him

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