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please be kind - unwanted pregnancy

(28 Posts)
needingsupport Tue 13-Aug-13 19:27:33

I have just taken a pg test and it is positive. I am devastated. I have two incredible children and have recently felt that life has been at an even, steady, calm and wonderful place having suffered badly with depression in the past. with the two children I have, we can live within our means but 3 would always mean stretching ourselves in a way that I fear I might always resent. My littlest is only 9.5 months. Although my husband and I have not had unprotected sex, sometimes we didn't put the condom on straight away (don't scold me please!).

What I want to know is what to do next. I know that I can't be a mother to any more children and I know that I need to get a termination. If you have done this, please could you share any (don't want to say positive but) advice. Do I have to see my doctor, how soon can I do it? What is the difference between a surgical and medical abortion? If you have had an abortion and hated it, please don't share your story with me tonight... I am still reeling. Of course, I will consider everything carefully before doing anything but feel enough guilt and anxiety on my own.

Thank you in advance,

Platinumstart Tue 13-Aug-13 19:31:31

I terminated a pregnancy last year. It wasn't something I'm proud of but equally it was absolutely the right decision for me and my family.

I was momentarily sad, but really have thought about it very little since.

You don't have to continue with the pregnancy if you don't want to. I wish you the very best.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 13-Aug-13 19:35:17

I think it's really important that you go to the doctor immediately as you might be further along than you realise.

And you need much better contraception if you really have completed your family.

Is your dh supportive of the termination?

LaurieFairyCake Tue 13-Aug-13 19:39:17

A surgical abortion means general anaesthetic and dull period pain after.

A pill termination (RU486) is 2 pills given then you return 24 hours later to take a further pill that physically expels the contents of the womb - there are not enough words in the universe to describe how painful physically the pill abortion is - I've counselled people who have PTSD from it. There is no physical pain from the first two pills just immediate pain and contractions from the second which takes about an hour for the pregnancy to expel. I strongly urge you not to do RU 486 but to go for a surgical termination.

pettyprudence Tue 13-Aug-13 19:40:33

Contact your gp asap to get the ball rolling, it should only take a matter of weeks between seeing your gp and the termination.

KellyHopter Tue 13-Aug-13 19:41:56

I have terminated and it was nothing but a positive decision.

I regret ever being in the position of having to do it but don't regret the termination one bit.

I actually don't know anyone who finds their own decision to terminate a traumatic one, though often hear it as a warning from others, doesn't quite add up!

I remember the feeling of walking out of the clinic knowing it was over, I was no longer pregnant, everything back to normal. The relief was amazing.

Re chemical v surgical, please remember that chemical is not necessarily the easier opyion people often think, it's a more drawn out process and you'll go through the majority of it on your own - surgical sounds scarier but in reality, done as early as possible, it's a few minutes of discomfort, an hour of sitting around after with a cuppa and a sandwich and then that's it, all done.

Good luck but you'll be fine, I think for most people the upsetting part is making the decision and you're in the fortunate position of knowing what you want.

KellyHopter Tue 13-Aug-13 19:44:36

Surgical procedure can be done without GA.

MorrisZapp Tue 13-Aug-13 19:46:45

Hi there. I had a medical termination of an early pregnancy many years ago. It felt like a normal period pain to me. I was home by the afternoon, napping in my own bed.

My first approach was to the family planning clinic, as I knew they arranged terminations. But I think it would be just the same thing if you saw your doctor. Given that time is of the essence, I'd ask for an emergency appointment.

They arranged mine very quickly, it was all over in a matter of days.

KellyHopter Tue 13-Aug-13 19:47:40

I think op asking about chemical v surgical really means chemical v other.
So up to 15 weeks a vaccuum procedure can be done without GA, slightly different procedure 15weeks+ with GA.

needingsupport Tue 13-Aug-13 19:50:25

sorry just to add... Can anyone tell me more about the time frame? I would like to do it quickly as I felt very pregnant today (zapped of energy and very nauseous) and feel like it will be much harder to do if I feel very pregnant in the run up.

ParvatiTheWitch Tue 13-Aug-13 19:52:53

I had a surgical termination without any anesthetic. For me, they said it was too early to do it at one point and I had to wait til I was 9-10 weeks. That wait was hard, but they wanted to make sure they didn't "miss".

I went to my family planning clinic who refered me to Marie Stopes clinic on the NHS. The surgeon was really kind, as was the nurse. I got up and walked away from the operating table and it was the right decision for me and my family. That was 9 years ago. It happened when my first was 8 months old and I was recovering so well from what felt like life threatening PND. I have since had DS2.

I would recommend your family planning clinic as your first port of call. Good luck to you. It's not as bad you think, don't beat yourself up.

ChimeForChange Tue 13-Aug-13 19:53:40

It can happen very quickly.
I wad offered an appointment within the same week.

Going to the doctors for referrals is longer - you can phone marie stopes direct.

From my own and others experiences, I would advise the surgical option.

make sure you have good RL support x x

ParvatiTheWitch Tue 13-Aug-13 19:54:49

That was the hardest thing for me OP, the wait, but maybe science has moved on. Those 3 weeks with nausea and tiredness was bad, but I remember the sickness going within an hour or two of the termination.

ChimeForChange Tue 13-Aug-13 19:56:50

Parvati I think it may have changed - at around 6 eeeks I was offered an appointment within the week.
Don't quote me on that!

Call Marie Stopes, they can tell you everything

TheUnstoppableWindmill Tue 13-Aug-13 19:57:13

I haven't had a termination but just want to say that Caitlin Moran's writing about her termination (after having 2 children, like you) might be a good read for you- very matter of fact and interesting about the fact that she has never regretted the decision or felt guilty about it, although that has surprised her. It's in her 'How to be a Woman' book.

ParvatiTheWitch Tue 13-Aug-13 19:58:09

Thank goodness for advances in medical science Chime!

How far along are you OP?

ChimeForChange Tue 13-Aug-13 19:58:21

I second UNSTOPPABLES suggestion - that book will also seriously cheer you up and make you laugh!

ISingSoprano Tue 13-Aug-13 20:01:46

BPAS will be able to help you. bpas.org

MarnieMadden Tue 13-Aug-13 20:09:50

I had a medical termination at 12 weeks. I saw the dr on the 15th May, was referred to our local maternity unit about a week later for a scan to see how far the pregnancy along. I had the first pill on 2nd June and the pregnancy was ended on the 4th of June.
Hope you are ok OP. If you want to PM me feel free.

Platinumstart Tue 13-Aug-13 20:11:19

Marie Stopes were excellent - I had an appointment within a week. Although I was very early (just under 6 weeks) I elected a surgical procedure. I didn't have a GA. It was painless and I was up and I was home within a couple of hours.

ZombiesAteMyBigToe Tue 13-Aug-13 21:01:16

I had a surgical termination three years ago at 5+ 4 weeks.

I went to the GP at about 4 weeks and he gave me a number to call. Marie stopes fitted me in within a week.

My appointment was at 2pm but they were running late so there was a lot of waiting around. I was called through to see the nurse, she asked a lot of questions about health etc, did blood pressure and stuff and then scanned me, which is the worst bit. I was asked which method I would prefer,

Then more waiting. The waiting room was really grim, not in terms of decor, but in all the other women etc waiting for the same thing, all ages, sizes, ethnicities etc. I was tempted to change my mind several times, just to get out, but I knew I would have regretting leaving. It was heart vs head, logic v emotion if you know what I mean.

I was called through around 4pm and offered sedation, which I didn't choose. I was told to bring a pad before I arrived and I was taken through to a small room where I was told to take my pants off and put the pad in and then go through to another small room where I waited with three other women, all clutching their pads.

Nurse came in. Checked I had my pad and into another surgical room where there was a doctor and a nurse. I had to get on the bed and put my legs in stirrups.

The procedure took about two minutes. There was about twenty second of pain and then just discomfort and a pushing sensation.

Then pants on, into another room where I was put in a reclining chair, given a wheat pack for my stomach, paracetamol, tea and biscuits. After an hour I went home. I started bleeding immediately, like a heavy ish period that lasted for three weeks, tailing off over time. Cramps were bad for the first day or two.

I felt quite weak afterwards and the shock of it hit me hard. I also felt very very guilty, wept a lot and picked up several illnesses because my immune system was quite low. This lasted about four months before I started feeling better. I had a wobble on the due date but three years on I am so so glad I did it, which sounds terrible but I had two children, terrible PND and anxiety and was struggling with the children I had. I knew I couldn't manage any more and even now when life is better I would do it again.

ZombiesAteMyBigToe Tue 13-Aug-13 21:03:15

This was Marie Stopes btw.

They also offered me counselling by telephone and in person before and after the procedure

itsonlyme85 Sat 14-Sep-13 22:38:33

I had an abortion last year, it not something I'm proud of but i don't regret it as it was the best situation for us as a family, my oh had been out of work for months after bieng made redundant so financially we were very unstable. I have to dd's who i adore and my youngest was 6 months old. I had the 2 pills as i was nearly 4 weeks so very early, i felt no pain other then mild period pains and it was all over within 24 hours. It broke my heart at the time but i knew deep down it was the right thing to do. Good luck with whatever decision you make

Doubtfuldaphne Sun 15-Sep-13 21:36:47

Marie stopes will help you so much. Please phone then. They act so quickly, I didn't even bother telling my gp about it, I just went straight to Marie stopes! The hormones can make you feel very wobbly after the initial relief but it seems like you know already what decision you have made. You WILL be ok.
I don't think I have any regrets. I know it was a hard decision to make which is why I question it occasionally but I know really that i made he right decision.

jojane Sun 15-Sep-13 21:48:21

I have had 2 surprise pregnancies. I had 2 children already and found out I was pregnant. After a lot of discussion we dicided to go ahead with the pregnancy and had ds2. I wouldnt change him for the world but then had another surprise pregnancy which we decided to terminate as was the best option for us as a family. Was 11 weeks so had to have surgical termination. I won't lie, I found it very traumatic from going to the GP to ask for an abortion to keeping it a secret from friends etc. I passed a large amount of orange sized clots a few days after which was very painful and I was trying to do school run etc. this was about 10 months ago. I regret being in the position of having to make the decision but I don't regret making the decision we did. I had the coil fitted at the same time to hope that we never have to be in that position again (pill failed us twice)

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