Not sure how I should feel, my abuser has died.

(16 Posts)
lulu6867 Mon 20-May-13 17:05:47

I was abused as a child/ young teenager by my brother in law and I have always been told by my parents to keep it quiet, for one reason or another. I have always gone through life thinking that in some way I was enjoying it, i must have been I was 15 when he finally left my Sister and it stopped, but I don't think I was, I loved him though but don't really know why. This is not making any sense. Anyway my Dad and Mum both caught him in my room on more than one occasion and they said I had to stop him from coming in and should never say anything as it would destroy my Sister, so I dutifully kept quiet for 30 years, I have brought it up with them on 2 occasions since I had children of my own and I was given the same line, he was very young (22) and I was 11, nearly 12 I should have stopped him when it first happened. If I were to rake it all up after all these years what would it gain and I did sort of think they were right at the time. Over the last year or so I have been working myself up to confronting him myself, face to face, not reporting him but just asking him why he thought he could touch me when I was such a young girl, but each time I went to his house I dare not go to the door so I have never done it so far. Now this morning he dropped dead on his kitchen floor and I don't know whether to be angry I didn't get a chance to tell him what he did was so horrible it has stuck with me for 30 years or whether to feel relieved that he has gone and will never do that to anyone else again. (I don't know that he did not touch any other girls) I have never told anyone but my Mum and Dad and I have lightly skirted over it with my Husband, but to be honest it embarrasess me when I think of it and what he did and I don't want people to know how weak I was, especially not my children, so that is the main reason I never reported him. I just wish that I had taken the opportunity to tell him what a C$%t he was when I was all grown up and he was his miserable alcoholic self, I just hope he fell into alcoholism because he couldn't live with his shame. Not sure why I have just written all of that, but it has got it off my chest a bit.

OP’s posts: |
OrlaKiely Mon 20-May-13 17:08:41

I am so sorry that this has all happened to you and that those closest to you did not protect you.

It was never your fault. Not one moment of it.

And you were not weak.

take care of yourself, you have been through so much xx

waltermittymissus Mon 20-May-13 17:09:29

Firstly, well done for posting. You sound incredibly strong and brave.

Your post makes me feel so sad. That it happened, that your parents behaved so, so terribly and that you feel in any way responsible/weak/ashamed.

You are NOT weak. You are strong and have been let down badly by the people who should have protected you. By the peo

waltermittymissus Mon 20-May-13 17:12:59


By the people you trusted to do their best to keep you safe and loved.

Your feelings are perfectly natural.

As for him dying, I understand the sense of lack of closure (if that makes sense!) feeling that in some way, he's gotten away with it because you didn't get to call him the absolute bastard that he is.

I hope Hell is real and that he's already burning in it!

Have you considered counselling? Does your sister know now?

Write a letter to him. Write down everything you imagined saying to him, and then throw it away.

Tell your DH. You deserve to have this acknowledged for the terrible injustice that it was.

All of my cyber hugs are going your way!

maidmarian2012 Mon 20-May-13 17:14:56

This is so very sad, OP. I cant understand your parent's angle on it all. You were taken advantage of, how were you supposed to fight him off at 12 years old??

I would be glad he has died personally. Did your Dsis know about what happened at all?

Like you say, maybe he turned to alcoholism out of guilt. I bet he did do this to other girls too. sad

I really think you are brave. Dont be embarrassed. The shame is/was his


maidmarian2012 Mon 20-May-13 17:17:41

By the way I cannot believe your parents caught him with you. They really have let you down and I would be having it out with them. "Bringing up the past" as they call it. Make them know hat he did and how disgusted you felt and how he groomed you.

QOD Mon 20-May-13 17:17:45

Your parents have let you down so badly, I'm so sorry sad

I have 3 different friends who were abused by their grandads, one grandma KNEW!!! She KNEW!! She walked in the room, sighed and said "oh will you just leave her alone"
How how how can people let you down like that?

How's your relationship with your parents? Your sister?


Beinganonymous Mon 20-May-13 17:18:02

I could have written your post except that my parents didn't believe me. I completely understand the confusion you feel.
I don't have any answers really. Time and just enjoying the life you have now does help but for me it is always somewhere in the background.
In my case he gave me something that I held on to for no reason. Every time I saw it I was dragged back. Being able to throw that away and lose the constant reminder helped.

Distrustinggirlnow Mon 20-May-13 17:19:10

Of course you didn't enjoy it. He groomed you. Groomed you and manipulated you and put the fear of God into you lest you should tell your sister.

I'm not surprised though that you've never shared this with anyone other than your parents as look at the response that generated. I'm sure they thought they were doing the right thing, but they should've done more to protect you.

This wasn't your fault. You were not weak, you aren't weak now.
You were a child. It is the child in you that couldn't knock on the door and confront him.

Take comfort in the fact that you are safe now. He's never, ever going to hurt you again.

I will raise a wine tonight to you, and another wine for the fact that he's gone.

OrlaKiely Mon 20-May-13 17:19:46

Many people who abuse are themselves abused. So it's possible he was a victim before he became a perpetrator.

This does not excuse his actions in any way. However it may explain his problems with alcohol iyswim...

could it be that your folks were aware of other instances of abuse within the wider family, that they were seeking to minimise/cover up?

OrlaKiely Mon 20-May-13 17:22:21

Btw if this is all too much for you to respond to, OP, that's Ok - just take your time and don't post until/if you feel that it will help you.

We are just really sorry for what you have been through. There are a lot of survivors of abuse on MN so do stay if you feel up to it xx

SanityClause Mon 20-May-13 17:26:51

You poor thing. What a dreadful thing to happen you you.

Have you ever had any counselling? It might be a good idea.

I have been thinking about this sort of thing a lot lately, as I know my aunt was abused by her brother. When she told her mother, she said that she had been abused by her own brother. And in an old boyfriend's family, a grandfather sexually abused his granddaughter. My old boyfriend was deemed to be in the wrong because he had so much difficulty in forgiving. He was seen to be causing a family rift, not his father (the abuser).

Why were people so keen to hush things up, and let the abuser get away with it?

lulu6867 Mon 20-May-13 17:28:49

Thanks for your messages, they have made me cry! My sister still does not know, I don't think she does anyway, they split up 30 yeas ago so not sure what she would say. I have a slightly strained relationship with my parents and the rest of my family I suppose I feel that the sort of family he came from, very wealthy and renowned in our village was one of the reasons I was kept quiet and also my parents would have lost that annual holiday in the 12 bedroomed house if I had brought it up so that could have been another reason I suppose, my parents are not bad people, just misguided and they were so impressed by his family and the fact my sister had "landed on her feet" they were blinkered to what really mattered. I don't want to bring it up with my Mum as she shouts and gets angry when I do, because of her own guilt I think and she was perplexed as to why I said "and" when she called me to tell me this afternoon, she cannot see why I would be non plussed about it all. I think this is one for an outsider to help me with, I know my family and they will not be much help, I may just ask my other sister whether he did it to her too, she is a little more understanding and was closer to me in age, so he may have.

OP’s posts: |
OrlaKiely Mon 20-May-13 17:30:22

Your GP should be happy to refer you for some emergency counselling. Maybe that will help a bit with the neutral perspective - your family all sound a bit too close to it to be helpful.

waltermittymissus Mon 20-May-13 19:37:23

I've given up trying to understand the minds of enablers though I'm sure a counsellor will help you make sense of it.

pindorasbox Tue 24-Sep-13 14:21:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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