Termination Dilemma: Please HELP!!!!(20 Posts)
Hi all, I am in desperate need of some advice. I am 37, have been wanting to be a mother very much but I always attached this to being in a healthy family, married setting.
I am in a relationship that has been unstable and essentially bad...together on and off 5 yrs....I am certain he has cheated on me, he has a serious gambling problem, is in serious debt and is a very unsupportive person in every aspect. The guy is the biggest mistake of my life....
I found out I am pregnant few weeks ago, I must be about 6 weeks along. The week before I found out, I had firmly made up my mind to leave him (had enough). Boom-- next thing I know, I am pregnant.
My BF has reacted horribly: he doesn't want it but says if I keep it he will stick around ( well at least for some time). I have a stable job but absolutely no family support ( I am all alone here). I cannot raise an infant alone, I will need his help. With his volatile personality, I am not even sure he will be around before its due....I know our relationship is bad and will frizzle away sooner or later....a baby will not keep us together.
My horrible dilemma is in the fact that I wanted a baby but now faced with this situation of the relationship itself about to breakdown, I am not sure i want to be a single mom....on the other hand, I am not young, this could be my last chance....
I hate the idea of abortion but I feel in such dead-end that almost feel like dying. Haven't eaten anything in days and just sleep and cry all day. I do wish I would die...
Please, post some advice. Please, be mercyfull.... The are situations in life that force you into horrible decisions....and it doesn't even matter whether you are 17 or 37...
Have an appt for termination next week but not sure if I am going to go with it.
If you are in any doubt - don't do it. Your personal circumstances can change, things that seem im
At 37 I would think very carefully about termination.
Do you have any friends locally? Would they be able to support you? It's amazing what you can achieve when you want to, and there is lots of support and help out there for you regardless from public services.
Take the man out of the picture. It's likely he isn't going to stick around, so if you take him out the picture full stop, then you need to decide if you want this baby or not.
Personally I don't think you should do it. I am not against abortion- far from it- but I think that you want a child and this is an opportunity and you should take it. As you say you are 37 and perhaps this is your only chance to become a mother.
I found myself in a similar position when I was 20: volitile, alcoholic, abusive partner who was much older than me. I had an abortion and I stand by that decison. However had I been 37 I think I would have had the baby and cut him out. It sounds callous but practically you must know that this may be your only chance. I know that the above statment also makes me sound callous, but it was the wrong time in my development to have a child. I think it may be the right time in yours to have one.
I understand that he is the father and that he has rights but if he is useless and a danger to you in any way- even if it's "just" your mental health- then you are well within your rights to put firm conditions on him seeing the child and on his behaviour.
I also feel from the tone of your message that you really want this baby. And as a previous poster has said if you have any doubts you can't go through with it.
Yes, 37 is not young....but I feel by becoming a single mom I would rob myself of any opportunity of one day having a healthy, full family...it's like giving up on dreams and being tied to a man who is so wrong for me in every aspect for the rest of my life...
If you're not sure about being a lone parent, perhaps this is an area where you might benefit from some thinking and planning.
As you say your current partner is wrong for you, then this relationship sounds doomed whatever you do. But I do not think it follows that lone parents cannot ever go on to new (and better) relationships, possibly leading to a two-parent family life with a new partner.
The future is always unpredictable. You might end up in a new relationship, or in no relationship at all. I suppose it might be worth having a think about why you think being a lone parent is wrong, and how important those reasons really are to you.
The thing is if you have a termination and you are not lucky enough to find a lovely man who is willing to try for a family early on in your relationship, etc, you could be haunted for the rest of your life by what could have been. Every year around the due date you will be thinking he/she would be 5 now ..., etc. It certainly won't be easy for you if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, but for what it's worth, a similar thing happened to a friend of my sister. She was desperate for a baby but was with an arse of a boyfriend. She got pregnant, he left, and she had a baby at age 41. She has no family around to help but she has managed to combine work with looking after her DD, who is now 7.
You are right -- Snowbell, it's very high risk and I may end up alone...(although I am a very young looking, successful and attractive woman).
Maybe I was raised very conservative and also in a loving, two -parent family, that the idea of being single mom horrifies me. And I don't think it's good for the child either...
I do appreciate all your comments....
As I said, I am suffering so much that haven't eaten in days and have lost at least 7 pounds. I truly wish I would just not exist right now.
We can give you advice but at the end of it all only you can make this decision.
I'm not anti abortion, I'm glad when I was younger I had the choice. If I was 37 would I have chosen differently? The honest answer is probably yes.
What would you regret more: the abortion or having a child in this situation ?
Simmi, it's entirely up to you, and if you decide to terminate then that is a valid choice and reflects your life now, and your desire to be free of this negative man. You don't need anyone's permission. It is your choice and if you decide to terminate, then, ok.
However - people can and do manage newborns on their own. It's fucking tough but it can be done. You could move away from the loser, start afresh, and accept the fact that this child won't be a part of the dream of a loving partner and stable two-parent home.
You are a successful woman so you have resources within yourself to draw on.
Our rigid ideas of what we should have and do limit us so much. If you truly want to be a mother this might be your last time (it might not, of course, but it's something to factor in). If you decide to go ahead it will be hard but you can still be free of the loser and you can still move on to have a loving relationship, possibly more kids.
A really tough situation. Good luck
Hi Simmi, Your body, your choice! But I sense from your OP that you want this baby but are trying to talk yourself out of it because the father is a waste of space (understandibly) and because of practical difficulties (which may not be as bad as you fear).
I'm an older single mother by choice (last chance saloon, was into my 40s). So my one practical suggestion if you do want to go ahead with the pregnancy: Phone the tax credits help line, outlining your income, and find out how much you're likely to eligible for towards nursery costs. I got 70% of my childcare costs refunded in tax credits (it is a bit less these days I think) so financially it may be more viable than your worst fears suggest.
Thank you, everyone for your frank feedback.
I would also be curious to know if there were any alternatives to this -- such as, terminate, dump the guy, and start a new chapter (and I am not saying that's what I will do -- but I want to realistically weigh my options).
No choice seems good at the moment...
I know it's trite but 'things happen for a reason'.
You have wanted to be a mother for a really long time. You have given up on the man you thought you might settle down with and ... your pregnant.
I know lots of women who have extremely successfully raised children on their own...and enjoyed some of the freedom and opportunity it can bring. I've known mums travel to exotic places with young children, achieve career goals, set up businesses. There is no reason why you cant make it work.
It sounds like you have an exciting adventure ahead of you.
The only advice i would give you is be very clear about what you will and won't accept with this man. If you want a break, do it. Or come to a clear compromise about how much contact you will have up until and after the birth. Don't let the new phase in your life be stunted by crap emotions from a toxic relationship. Good luck. i feel excited for you!!
...BTW you are not alone. Being a parent will bring you into a new world. However transient relationships can be they are still valuable...........
Nothing concentrates the mind like a crisis... so dump the guy. Whatever you decide about the baby, first accept that he goes. Maybe it will make it easier for you to focus on the big decision, if you take him out of the picture.
I think the worst outcome is this: you have the termination, stay in the dead-end relationship with the loser, and end up with no children and a bad relationship that's dragging you down.
On the termination: that's such a very tough one. If you want to be a mother, I'd have the baby and start my family, even if it's not how I originally planned. But I completely understand your dilemma.
whilst it would be easier to have a termination sooner rather than later if you are having one, it does not have to be next week.
maybe ditch him now ( that is a no brainer if you do have the kid having a man child around will not make it easier. so he needs to go either way) see how you feel once he has been out of the equation for a week or so, then reassess?
in the meantime be kind to yourself. it is a huge dilemma. early pg is difficult as it is.
being an LP is difficult. but you would be surprised what you can do.
otoh if you go for termination you may meet someone else. although coming out of bad rs after termination you may have to give yourself a bit of time to recover.
it will definitely be harder to meet someone with a young baby but it could go either way.
the general trend on this thread is saying go for it. how do you feel about that? if it is a relief you have your answer if it makes you want to say hang on a minute this is crazy, again you have an answer. bit like tossing a coin to see how you feel about the outcome and going with that instead of going with what the coin says iyswim.
i know in your shoes I would be terrified of having to decide. so hugs i hope you can make a decision that works for you and then make that decision the right decision.
Pegwin, that is such great advice. I was in a very similar situation and I went through hell for 7 weeks trying to decide. It was without doubt the worst time of my life. I remember so clearly the feeling of not wanting to have the baby but not wanting to have a termination either, of just not wanting to be anymore, it's a torturous experience and my heart goes out to the OP.
My friend called me one night and said she was going to toss a coin, I thought it was a silly idea but after the first toss went in favour of keeping it I found myself hoping that the next one would too and the next, in the end it was 3-0 in favour of keeping it. She then decided to do it again with another coin and I begged her not to, I'd got the decision I wanted and I hadn't even known I'd wanted it.
I now have a 6 month old DD and love her to bits. I'm a 34 year old single mother and the father has no interest in being a part of this. It's hard because I feel that at 33 I could have been on the verge of meeting the love of my life and getting married and having a family and then I threw it all away. I'm finding all the what if's hard at the moment but that's how my mind works. I still don't know if I've done the right thing, but what's done is done and I have to make this work. Don't get me wrong, my DD is incredible and everything I could dream of in a daughter, but she's 6 months and it's hard right now.
Good luck Simmi, I think it's the hormones and everything that's making it ten times worse right now, now that my head is much clearer I seem to wonder how I didn't make my mind up sooner. This is a horrific experience, sorry I can't help much or give advice, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. People always told me, 'Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision.' It's hard but you will find the best solution for you and you will make it the right one. Good luck whatever you decide.
I think this baby and you could make a great family. You never know what is around the corner. I didn't know how much my DS would enrich my life when I was pregnant. Everything changes but it's good even when it's hard. You are a strong woman, you can be a fantastic mother.
Your current relationship needs to end though. You deserve far far better. I hope everything works out for you. Single parenting is not a choice most people make, it is thrust upon them, even those that started out with a committed partner, people spilt up, people get sick. The future is unknown. This could be your chance at having a family. Follow your heart OP.
So sorry you're in such a horrible situation. I hope that whatever decision you make you don't punish yourself and allow yourself to move forward and be happy.
Everyone has given you such good advice but I think there's one thing missing: this father may say he's not interested in being involved now, but what if he changes his mind? Do you want this man in you and your child's life, because he does have a right to be (even if he doesn't deserve to be)? Could he and would he use the child to manipulate you? I just don't think it's as simple as getting rid of him, and then making your decision - he is a factor in the decision to have the baby.
I also agree that you don't need to make this decision right away. This may sound awful but if you wait a while, nature may make the decision for you, and you won't be tortured with the "what if's". The first 8 weeks of pregnancy are very risky, and they say that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. In my case that number is much higher, but I hate to say that the first one I had was a relief that saved me from a similar decision.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.