This story goes back 35 years and only a very few people know, but it is haunting me.
I was 19 and from a very traditional family. I feel pregnant but the foetus died and I didn't miscarry. It started to rot inside me so I had to go to the hospital. I had no support from my then boyfriend (later husband) and my mum told me that if my dad found out I was having sex before I was married he would throw me out of home. My employers were less than helpful too; this was 1985 and gender equality was talked about but not practised at my level of society.
To give some background to me, I was very naive at this age, had been to an all girls school and had only had 1 BF (this guy) who I started dating at 18 (yes I married my first BF). I had started work straight from school at 16 and had few aspirations as I was no high flier academically, and came from a background where girls got married and had a family rather than a career. Although not overtly Christian, Victorian Christian morals were the order of my parents home.
Anyway, much of the consultation at the hospital I have blotted out, but I do remember that there was only me and him in the room, and that although I knew I would need an 'internal', I didn't know what this entailed. I told him The consultant I hadn't aborted the dead rotting foetus and then remember being told to lie on the bed facing the wall with my legs bent and tucked against my chest. I must have had no underwear on but my legs were not apart like with a smear. He then pushed his hand inside me, and when I cried I was told not something like not to be a silly little girl.
Everything else is a blur, but about 5 years ago I told the story to a counsellor and was told it was sexual abuse as it was effectively a form of fisting and this was not the way internals were done...on ones back not side, with legs apart to open the cervix, not pressed together with my knees under my chin.
In the wake of the Savile allegations I keep hearing about sexual abuse by institutions. I have no idea who the consultant was but wonder if it would be on my hospital records and if so whether I should take this further; after all who else may he have done this to? But would anyone take me seriously after so long and was it really sexual abuse; I was 19 and was pregnant outside marriage so as my mother implied at the time, it was my punishment.
I could talk to counsellors at my current employers but could do with some advise. Has this happened to anyone else?
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Ethical dilemmas
Was this sexual abuse? I was 19 & it was a hospital consultant
18 replies
Teahouse · 28/10/2012 09:40
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