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I feel like an abortion i chose to have is a bereavement.

(50 Posts)
bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 12:44:18

I feel totally traumatized. I left an abusive relationship that ended in a serious assault and conviction just before christmas, found out i was pregnant and had an abortion two weeks after. Now months on i am hart broken but totally aware that to morn an abortion is ridiculas, especially as i have always been so pro choice and a beliver that at an early stage it is a group of cells being desroyed and nothing else.

Before the final assault i was desperte for anouther baby and now i am hart broken beyond reason.

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 12:44:49

sorry for typos im missing kys on my board

DinahMoHum Wed 29-Feb-12 12:47:06

big hugs to you. Everyone deals with things in their own way, and i think its probably a culmination of all sorts of things you are grieving. The end of a traumatic and abusive relationship, and the fact that you actually wanted a baby, and felt forced into an abortion by the awful circumstances, is BOUND to affect you.
I would suggest maybe you speak to your doctor and try and get some counselling.
You cant erase the past, you can only try and come to terms with it x

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 12:49:28

Oh, i am so sorry for your loss - you must have been in a terrible place. If you don't mind, im going to report this thread because i dont think AIBU is the place for it. FWIW i consider myself to be pro-life, but i honestly think you did what you had to do, please try and find some peace with yourself and get some counselling maybe sad So very sorry

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 12:55:54

But were shouldit be? my point is tht it cant go in bereavement, that would be a massive insult to evryone else

kitty4paws Wed 29-Feb-12 12:57:31

I rarely post but on MN but on this topic ( and I am pro-life) I feel you need all the support you can get.

you did what was right for you in terrible, terrible circumstances, of course you are going to be affected and you will grieve, for all sorts of reasons.

Please talk to your gp, get some councelling (sp).

I am so very sorry for all that you have been through.

I hope you only recieve support here.

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 12:57:51

But it IS a bereavement, i dont think anyone else would see it otherwise. Have you managed to get any counselling?

chinam Wed 29-Feb-12 13:10:56

I also agree that it is a bereavement and it is perfectly natural that you would be going through this grieving process. Maybe have the thread moved to relationships if you don't feel comfortable with having it in bereavement.

SardineQueen Wed 29-Feb-12 13:16:23

There is no "wrong" or "right" way to feel about things like this.

If you feel a bereavement then you feel a bereavement and so it is right for you to mourn. It sounds like you have been through a terrible time.

I think you will get a much more sensitive response in Relationships so having teh post over there would be better.

Flimflammery Wed 29-Feb-12 13:24:09

You feel what you feel, it's not ridiculous. Maybe you're mourning what might have been, as well as feeling the trauma of your relationship ending and the attack. You've been through a lot, be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling.

WorraLiberty Wed 29-Feb-12 13:28:22

I second what Flimflammery said

You have my sympathies OP sad

EnglishEponine Wed 29-Feb-12 13:43:42

YANBU at all. It's been over a year since I did the same thing and not a day goes by that I don't think of all the 'what ifs'. Don't punish yourself for having natural human feelings for your loss.

EmmaCate Wed 29-Feb-12 13:47:41

YANBU. It is a bereavement, even if it was your decision. Sometimes you can feel forced into things like that and feel it is the logical thing to do, but you can't change how you'll feel when you see children later and think what might have been.

I hope you feel better soon sad

ElizaDooFuckAll Wed 29-Feb-12 13:48:11

I spent 6 years mourning my (right) choice. You need to grieve. You are very brave x

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 17:35:34

Thank you all. I really don't care were the thread is but its obviously bothering some people. I genuinely wanted to know if I was being unreasonable, it was my decision and one i have up untill now been fairly blase about. My close friend recently lost a a baby just after it was born so tbh i feel totally selfish mourning something that was never close to being. People go through far worse, it feels like it should be really rather petty and unimportant but for some reason it isn't at all. I guess i feel like the decision was taken out of my hands and ex p has been totally vile, his exact words were ''kill it''. And i still miss him. WTF????

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 17:37:04

I cant grieve as it all happened so close to Christmas i confided in one person, no one else knows, i have a son i cant mourn but i am deep down so sad.

Callisto Wed 29-Feb-12 17:45:01

Not at all unreasonable. I still quietly mourn the baby I aborted 15 years ago, but it was the right decision at the time and so I try not to feel guilty or regretful.

I do think counselling would help you to come to terms with the whole tangle of your emotions right now, but I see no reason why you can't post for support in Bereavements, or you could try Relationships. Good luck and stay strong.

troisgarcons Wed 29-Feb-12 17:51:52

Oh sweetheart, you've found your self in an awful situation and you've done what was right at the time.

Please please do get some councelling. And yes, it is a berevement.

WilsonFrickett Wed 29-Feb-12 17:57:30

Sweetheart, just because you made the right decision for yourself and your circumstances at that time, it doesn't mean that it was a decision you wanted to have to make. You were being abused, you weren't getting any support from your P, your head was totally effed up. There was nothing else you could have done. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

And tbh it sounds like the first 'fug' of getting over your abusive relationship has cleared a bit and you're really only just starting to come to terms with the termination for the first time. Please try and get some counselling. And please use your energy to try and heal, not to judge yourself for very normal feelings.

I wish I could reach through my pc and give you a giant hug.

SardineQueen Wed 29-Feb-12 18:02:20

I am glad the responses here have been sensitive, I think people were worried as you know what AIBU can be like.

And YAdefinitelyNBU

KatMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 29-Feb-12 18:08:24

Hi there, we've moved this into Ethical Dilemmas. We hope you continue to get the advice and support you need. thanks

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 19:26:28

bristolcities, i am with sardine on this, i did report the thread as AIBU threads can just turn so nasty and you don't need that. I echo everyone else here who has nothing but sympathy for you, such a terrible time for you. Be kind to yourself and stay strong xx

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 19:52:35

i think maybe i wanted a bit of back lash, dunno why, yes my head is fucked up, massively. I have tried to have counselling for the DV but i have drawn a blank. Its not that readily available. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks but that is ridiculous. I am morning an idea, that's all. Thank you all for your kind response i am really grateful, just not sure how to show it and seem to sped most of my time feeling angry.

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 19:57:06

and FYI this was never and will never be an ethical dilemma! I am 100% sure that abortion is a personal choice and a woman's right, i just had no idea how much it hurts.

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 19:58:27

You do not need to punish yourself for what has happened. You were in an impossible situation from what you say it sounds like you had no choice sad I wish i could help, i really do - FWIW, i have a friend who was in a very similar position to yours, a good many years ago, DV and termination. She has always mourned to be fair, but she did go on to find happiness with a lovely man. You are absolutely entitled to counselling - please go and talk to your GP, it might be that there is a waiting list but at least its a start. You have done nothing wrong!

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