Should DH take his paternity leave immediately after birth, or wait a couple of weeks?

[mrsbaldwin]

My DH wants to inform his firm about his paternity leave plans (very responsible of him, I approve of this). Our DS (first child) is due in March.

We've been discussing whether he should either:
*take the two weeks immediately after birth
or:
*take the two weeks a little later on, say at 6-8 weeks of baby's life, taking 2-3 days annual leave around time of birth

The question arises because I've hired a postnatal doula for the 2-4 weeks after the birth. It seemed to me that if I had some help already for the immediate post-birth period it might be better if DH saved his leave for when the doula is finished (and also the baby itself might be slightly more interesting company at 6-8 weeks than at birth).

I'd really appreciate any thoughts anyone had on this, if they've been in a similar situation etc.

Thanks very much

MrsBaldwin

[Tommy]

I would not worry about the baby being more interesting company or not TBH!

If your DH is able to be flexible about his paternity leave, then I would say wait until nearer the time and see how you feel, how the birth goes etc.

After the birth of one of ours (can't remember which! ) DH went back to work a bit part time - he went in a bit later and came home earlier - and worked out the paternity leave like that. That was helpful.

[Jojo12]

There's helpful info here on the direct.gov.uk site. He"ll need to take his leave within the first 56 days of the birth, and needs to give his employers 15 weeks notice (although my DH's employers were very flexible about it, not all are).

DH loved being with both our DSs in their first fortnight, but as you have other support available I agree that you might be better to wait until nearer the time/see how the birth is before deciding, if your DH's employers are OK with that.

Good Luck!

[cmotdibbler]

What DH did was to save all his annual leave up. He then used annual leave the first week (we were in hospital as DS was prem) as he had to go and sort some work out. He then had his two weeks pat leave, and then took 2 days a week off on annual leave for the next 5 weeks. This was fab as I wasn't left to my own devices all week (no family support), and meant he spent more time with DS

[morningpaper]

I think it's important for his confidence and bonding with his child that he is THERE for the first two weeks, whether a doula is or not. A doula should be able to help facilitate his own confidence and understanding too - as well as yours. The first couple of weeks are SUCH a steep learning curve for both of you and it would be a big shame for him to miss out on that, IMO.

[stillstanding]

For the reasons morningpaper has given I would certainly agree that your DH should be around for at least the first week but perhaps take the second a bit later on when you have have no other support.

My mum was around when my first was born and I remember towards the end DH was just doing household chores etc and it might have been better if we had split his leave up a bit.

Having said that it is really important that your DH bonds with the baby and builds up confidence too in the early days and it would be awful if he went back to work straight after the birth and missed all the excitement and getting to know your lo. Also I remember reading some article by a midwife saying that while a mother's role in her baby's life was constantly reinforced in our culture the father's was not, e.g. fathers are usually sent home for the night when mothers have given birth, which is really sad and not the right message at all.

[mrsbaldwin]

Thanks for these interesting replies.

You will all be able to tell from my post that I have no idea whatsoever what the first few weeks of a baby's life is like

Morningpaper's post reminds me that perhaps I'm looking at things a bit managerially - ie what people have I got to help look after the baby, and how will I allocate this resource - and not properly considering things like bonding and confidence. Hmmm.

So I think Stillstanding's idea sounds good - all other things being equal (ie the baby is not ill/prem etc) a week or so at birth and then the other week a bit later.

I have a feeling that the rule is you're not supposed to split the two official paternity leave weeks - but his firm may be flexible and otherwise he can take a week's paternity and a week's annual leave later, or somesuch.

Great! Now I have a plan

[stepfordwife]

oh lordy, he's got to be there for the first few weeks - as MP says, they're magical - albeit it a 'i-don't-know-what-the-hell-i'm-doing-bleary-eyed" kind of magical)
congratulations and enjoy!

[fleacircus]

He's also entitled to up to 4wks parental leave. It's unpaid but if you can afford it, he could have two weeks paternity immediately and then again when the doula left. DP took the full 4wks when I went back to work and had a short go at being a SAHD, it was brilliant for all of us and I'd definitely recommend it.

[mrsbaldwin]

Ah - I didn't know this about the parental leave. Thanks! He will have to bring his firm (and its parent firm) up to date about this I think - although his bosses have been pleasantly accommodating so far, they were a bit out of date on the latest regs (thought that paternity leave was entirely unpaid, for example, so DH took in a Govt leaflet to show otherwise).

[JulesJules]

You might well be in hosp for a few days. I would try and arrange it so DH can take one or two few days leave (from his hol allowance) so he can be with you through labour and delivery and then start his paternity leave when you come out of hosp. I would definitely recommend that he takes the maximum he is entitled to, whether or not you have other help as he needs to be involved right from the start! My DH also took 2 weeks holiday which he added on to the paternity leave.

[mrsbaldwin]

DH definitely wants to be involved (actually he is a complete superstar ).

Yes, that's true, I may be in hospital - I'm forgetting this (well, blotting out the thought of it).

I'll show him this thread tonight I think and see what he thinks.

[stillstanding]

You have such a wonderful, magical time ahead of you, MrsB - best of luck!

[popperdoodles]

I think you are best having him at home the first 2 weeks for sure. He needs to bond and believe me there will be enough work to keep him and doula busy! Also some dads feel a bit pushed out at first so being packed off to work isn't going to help that. I had my mum staying the first week after my first born and my dh admitted to me later that he felt it was me and my mum looking after ds and he felt very left out/lost. Subsequent babies we did it together from day 1 and he bonded better.

[mrsbaldwin]

A short postscript - I just showed this thread to DH.

DH: What's a DH?
MrsB: A darling husband. It's you!
DH: TBH? SAHD?

DH: I like this lady

[stillstanding]

Oh your DH sounds lovely, MrsB!! Good luck with your decision - just remember that whatever you do will be the right thing for you.

[RiaParkinson]

the latter

esp if you have a doula

we never get on well during paternity leave

a couple of months on would be better

i would say 5-6 weeks after not much later