Should I look for a new job?

[LesAnimaux]

I work for DH. 19 hours per week unpaid.
Instead of paying me, he has been paying nursery fees, but now DD is 3, the fees are greatly reduced.

This month DH didn't pay the nursery fees, so I paid for them with Child benefit(I have older children so could afford to). I asked him to put the money into my accunt, so I can buy DS shoes, etc, but he is obviously reluctant to do this.

I have also asked him to pay my credit card bill, which he usually does, but as money is short atm, he hasn't done this, and it's now looking as if I could be heading towards a CCJ.

Also, I have to work with FIL who can be difficult to say the least, and earlier this week I ended up sitting in my car crying becasue he was so foul.

One the one hand I think I should get a paid job so I can atleast be in controll of my credit card bill. on teh other, DH would have to pay someone to replace me, which could be toomuch of a strain on his buisness, and we could end up with no buisness, no house, etc.

What do you think?

[LesAnimaux]

No one?

[funkypumkin]

Think you need to have a serious talk with him and sort it out. Fair enough if he's struggling financially but it's not going to help if you can't pay the credit card. And long term I think if I were you I would consider looking for something outside the family. FIL sounds awful.

[compo]

why don't you have joint accounts? why is it all his money and your money? sounds odd to me

[LesAnimaux]

He pays the nursery fees from the buisness account, instead of paying me.

Last year, I was working less hours, and nursery cost more, so it didn't really make a difference to me financially.

[LesAnimaux]

.

[LesAnimaux]

DH won't interfere with FIL bing so foul. FIL has managed to make several members of staff leave in the past, and DH refuses to acknowledge his behaviour.

TBH I don't want to go to work tommorow.

DH says he doesn't have the money to pay the minimum payment on my credit card.

But I don't have any hassle about taking time off if the DC's are ill or during the school holidays.

Any advice?

[LesAnimaux]

Are you ignoring me because I'm a newbie?

[LesAnimaux]

Or do I smell?

[trixymalixy]

I would get a new job.

Then you can have a bit more financial independence.

It sounds like a bit of a weird arrangement you have at the moment.

[IotasCat]

IMHO, if you are working unpaid to help your family business survive then your finances should be considered jointly as well. You and your dh need to sit down together and take a good look at your income and expenditure

[LesAnimaux]

Does it sound like a weird arangement?

I think I could tolerate FIL if I were getting paid.

[trixymalixy]

Why is he reluctant to pay you the money he should have paid in nursery fees which is essentially your wages?

Does he realise that you getting a CCJ will affect his credit rating too?

[LesAnimaux]

He says he just doesn't have the money, although if I hadn't paid the nursery he would have found the money form somwhere.

He's perfectly aware of the affect of a CCJ. I'm wondering if the buisness is so far stuffed that he doesn't care.

I'm being told by DH and DM that I should just be thankful to have a roof over my head/that the mortgage has been paid this month.

[Anifrangapani]

I think you and your dh need to sit down and talk about all your financial commitments.

Missing 1 CC payment does not make a CCJ. Normally 6 consecutive missed payments. It is more important to pay the mortgage. However you need to make joint decisions about your finances.

[trixymalixy]

If the business is in trouble then it might be a good idea to get another job. That way if the business fails than at least one of you is bringing in some money.

[bran]

I agree with trixymalixy, if his business is going to go under anyway then it would be better if you already had another job, then at least there would be some stability and certainty. Would you get a full-time job?

[tigger15]

Try and work out what you want and what are your priorities. Do you want financial security? Do you want to spend more time with your dcs? Do you want to improve your marital relationship?

The answer to 1 and 3 is get a job outside the home and preferably full time. The answer to 2 is continue as you are but realise you are endangering 1 and 3.

From what you've said the only advantage you have from working for your husband is that you are ensured time off when dcs are sick. The disadvantages are that he does not treat you as a professional worker, it is having a bad effect on all your family relations and doesn't sound great for your self esteem.

If you got a job outside the home and a full time one then firstly you'd bring in actual money and not have all eggs in one basket. Secondly why assume that you'd have to do all the childcare if kids are sick? If you're working full time you should both take equal turns. Some bosses are fair and flexible. DH and I have developed a routine when ds is sick of dh goes in for the morning and brings work home and I go in at lunchtime and work till late which goes down well as I don't do it normally. Also if he's the boss he has more flexibility than you and should be able to do childcare.

Your fear that your loss will be too much of a strain on the business is valid. But it doesn't sound as though your DH appreciates that or you. It also sounds as if your FIL is having a toxic effect on things. Perhaps your departure or threatened departure would be enough to get him to wake up to the reality?

[LesAnimaux]

Thanks for the replies.

I've now picked myself up off the floor after reading tinger15's comment

"Secondly why assume that you'd have to do all the childcare if kids are sick?"

I've gone over and over this with DH, and basically, childcare is 100% my responsiblity (and the mortgage and bills 100% his). If I worked full time, after paying childcare for 3 DC's, the financial impact on our family would be minimal.

Looking at things in a bigger picture, FIL nees to retire (again!) - his hours are now minimal, and hopefully we can cut them further. And I need to insist DH pays me or I find another job.

Does that sound reasonable?

[superfrenchie1]

If FIL reduces his hours and if your DH starts to understand that you are both in this for the good of your family (not as individuals) then i think it could be a good solution to keep working there. i like the sound of the flexibility etc.

you need to draw up something like this:

advantages of getting another job - meet new people, salary paid into your own account, your own life, no FIL, more choice over what you do.

advantages of current arrangement - flexibility. good for DH's business. not high stress (? apart from FIL?). anything else?

[tigger15]

That sounds reasonable to me. If you imagine that your dh was not your dh and you had a boss who treated you in that way, would you consider it reasonable behaviour to refuse to pay you one month? You'd probably be hotfooting it down to ACAS.

Everyone's situation is individual but there is always room for compromise. I make more money than my dh and my firm has a culture of longer hours. Therefore our arrangment tends to keep both of us feeling happier and less concerned.

If your arrangment is a split of childcare/mortgage bills and you're happy with that then fine. But both of you contributed to all of the things causing the costs and there's a good argument for sharing them if you want to pursue it. I don't know about you but I work as much for my own well being as the financial benefit. I get very depressed when stuck at home. Another point is that it is often necessary to work when the kids are young if you intend working later as it can be very difficult later on if you don't have any relevant experience. So the costs of childcare now are also for the long term good and the higher wages you could command then.

Only other advice is go for the most easily won or most important battles. If this isn't one you want to take then find something else.

[LesAnimaux]

News Flash!

FIL has retired!!! (Well stormed off in a rage never to return)

He was bullying me, and couldn't believe I actually returned after he had really upset me. (He's managed to make several members of staff leave by bullying them over the years).

I actually stood up to him, which he just couldn't handle. Aparently he will not be coming to our house again, but would like to see his grandchildren. (I wouldn't stop contact anyway)

Everyone in the office is sooo relived he is gone(especially DH). The constant swearing and unpleasantness and negativity has been replaced by calm. It's like a massive toxic thing has been removed. Actually, I think it has.

[LesAnimaux]

Oh and DH's accountant has advised him it would be in his best interests to pay me.