Is it an MH issue due to experiences?

[GreyWall]

Name changed.
I went through redundancy 7 yrs ago, it was my first 'proper' job as it were after university. Looking back, they'd made their mind up and lined up their ducks pretty obviously, I was just too young to recognise it. It was a mass redundancy situation so wasn't targeted personally as it were.
I've since had other jobs, 2/3yr stints here and there.
I've not had fantastic experiences, I'm quite job insecure. Maybe as a result of the redundancy? I've always moved on as a result of my own choices since.
I very much want to be settled but I'm wondering if I've developed an issue MH wise which is stopping me from relaxing into a role?
Whenever a decision is made I automatically think it's about me and how rubbish I am. I get very very tearful about it and think it's work 'lining up ducks' as it were to push me out.
I'm not amazing at my role but good enough, I'm an average worker. In some ways I'm more than average I think, but it's never recognised.
I joined my current place 2yrs ago or so, I had a very negative performance review in the first year, it annoyed me massively as it was quite unfair and made an issue out of something which isn't an issue and my manager (who did the review) actually does far worse! I had a health issue that same year... And using that as justification my work has changed, almost like a demotion but not really... Then my manager got quite angry with me over a very trivial point and it pulled apart our relationship, if there ever was one to start with. I try to bond, make jokes etc, but they're like a brick wall. Anyway, with the this lockdown it's not helped matters. I've been sidelined massively, everyone else doing X whilst I do Y... I'm not being used to my full potential yet someone's been asked to work more hours. This has upset me as due to past experiences my head is telling me ducks are being lined up again. Am I being paranoid?

[Moondust001]

Probably. Sorry but your post describes how not one of your employers has recognised your potential or skills, and how after the first job you've always moved on of your own accord. None of your managers get on with you and find fault for things that you haven't done or are not that bad. That rather sounds like it's down to you bring the problem, yes.

And sorry but I suspect that "trying to bond, make jokes etc" is probably the nail in the coffin - management is not about being friends, and if they are telling you that they have a problem with your work or such, then bonding or making jokes is not the way to go about things, fixing what you've done wrong is.

[GreyWall]

How do you know none of my managers have got on with me? I've got on with all my managers apart from the current one 😂

[F1rstt1imer]

From reading your post it sounds like you have really taken the negative review to heart. As a manager it is our responsibility to help you recognise where you need to improve and also give you the support to do this however if you are unreceptive to the feedback Which reading your post you were as you said ‘it annoyed me massively as it was quite unfair’ it makes it almost impossible for us to support you and encourage you to do better. Do you have another review coming up? If you do I would suggest making a list of 3 areas that you feel that you could contribute more and explain to your manager that you would
like to get more involved and maybe even suggest ways that you could do that through job shadowing or mentoring from a more experienced collegue?

[GreyWall]

@F1rstt1imer thanks. I wasn't unreceptive as it were, I've taken in on the chin and changed what it was, but I can still think it unfair. So I have changed. But I feel like my life is just going to be shit after shit for no justifiable reason which really brings me down. So much so I question my life, it's not much fun and pretty pointless to be ripped down all the time. It's obviously not going to improve for me no matter what I do to 'improve' which makes getting up every day very hard.

[ChicCroissant]

Whenever a decision is made I automatically think it's about me and how rubbish I am. I get very very tearful about it and think it's work 'lining up ducks' as it were to push me out.

OP, this does imply that you are not actually listening to what they are saying but putting your own spin on it - which is difficult, if not impossible, for an employer to get past (as the PP said). They simply can't win.

You sound very unhappy and use very emotive language. I do think it's worth you looking into the reasons for that, but it doesn't sound like the job is one of them to me. Try not to overthink (easier said than done, I know!) in the meantime.

[GreyWall]

I'm using emotive language as I'm in a very very dark place place right now.

[Moondust001]

@GreyWall

I'm using emotive language as I'm in a very very dark place place right now.

Then, with the best will in the world, perhaps asking for opinions isn't a good idea if you can't hear the answers. I'm not saying that you be unkind, but simply as a fact. I do not think that it is very likely that being made redundant, in itself, causes mental health problems. Like you said - it wasn't personal. But you are the one who has said that you've job-hopped since then, that it's been your choice and that you made that choice because you have "not had fantastic experiences". whether you intended to or not, your post is all very negative about all your job experiences. When that is the case, it tends to suggest that the negativity is you, not all the others.

I don't honestly think you need employment advice. Honestly. I think you should see your GP.

[GreyWall]

@Moondust001 way to kick a dog when they're down. How would you feel if you were the last nail in the coffin?

[GreyWall]

@Moondust001 maybe you're my manager 😂

[Moondust001]

Or maybe you never wanted to hear anything other than your own point of view? I was going to say more but to be honest, it doesn't seem like you are taking your own post all that seriously anyway. I'll leave you to it.

[devildeepbluesea]

I rather think this is a question for a psychotherapist, not an employment matters message board. They might agree that you developed an adjustment disorder, or they may not. And they'll be able to help you either way. Good luck.

[ChicCroissant]

Suggesting that you see your GP if you say you are in a dark place is a sensible suggestion though.

[Hoppinggreen]

You sound very negative about work generally and it sounds like you aren’t very good at accepting anything you see as criticism
Maybe that first redundancy has had an effect but it sounds like it was a few years ago and it’s a shame if you are going to let it ruin every job you have had since.
Also your comments about never being recognised and a manager being annoyed about a trivial point when they do worse makes you sound a bit like hard work. Nothing is your fault and everyone is picking on you
Apart from work if you genuinely are in a dark place then get some help, start with your GP