Not sure what to do

(9 Posts)
Goingtobeoldearly Tue 03-Mar-20 11:33:30

Okay, I need advice. Basically I'm a live in nanny, been with the family for 11 years. I do not see a way forward without hurting the people I love...the mum and the children. The marriage has had lots of ups and downs, of course, but easily the last 3/4 years it's been more down, clinging on. I do everything for them because I'm working.

Here's the thing, the last year or so theres been a constant talk of divorce. The .um says she doesn't love him and doesn't want to spend time with him. The dad wants to always make it work. Last year they separated. The dad said that he wouldn't be able to keep me on. I had a mortgage, a house that my mum lived in, and I sold it as I wouldn't be able to keep the mortgage. In the end they got back together. This was after lots of horrible things being said and done.

Anyway, it really affected my mental health to the point where I had to go to the doctors, and I ended up crying, and I'm on anti depressants, have been for the last 5 months now. The doctor asked at the time whether the dad blamed me at all tlfor the marriage breakdown. I said no, because he's never said 'i blame you'.

However, he has said several times over the last few years that I need to make the mum do more things in the home and with the children and that because I'm so good at my job, she probably feels inadequate or because I'm so good at my job she doesn't feel like she needs to do anything.

It's not true, theres 3 kids and a large house and I struggle, I dont always keep up with all the emails from school or onto of the housework. I do ask for help. This isn't the job I signed up for 11 years ago. The youngest is now at school and my hours haven't changed, so I'm not sure what the dad wants because if I'm working then I'm doing housekeeping.

The reason I'm writing this is because again je spoke to me last night and said again about me being so good at my job, and he asked me what I think I should do?? He mentioned that the mum is selfish at the weekend because shes use to being selfish during the week...which I presume is my fault. The only options I can see is if I go part time, and hopefully she keeps up on what needs to be done , otherwise my days are going to be even busier...or I leave. I don't want to leave, I'm not interested in another job. In this case, considering how the way I've been treated by the both of them, constantly been put in the middle, needing professional help with my health, could I suggest a redundancy? Because I'm not sure what to do. Please have some ideas...happy to answer questions

OP’s posts: |
inwood Tue 03-Mar-20 11:36:09

Bluntly your position is untenable, you are going to have to leave imo. You have become far too entwined in their personal lives and seem to be acting as their psychiatrist!

RB68 Tue 03-Mar-20 11:39:51

It's time to move on, when a job is getting into personal life and you are becoming ill over it it is not a healthy work environment - start looking for a new posting. Fundamentally what the parents do about anything should not be your concern, I would recommend that you start looking and then give them reasonable notice - but leave before the summer and try and give yourself some time off before diving into a new job.

Goingtobeoldearly Tue 03-Mar-20 11:40:43

I don't give them advice, they have put me in the middle and tell me things.

OP’s posts: |
Pentium85 Tue 03-Mar-20 11:45:17

Jesus, leave!
Your mental health is being compromised

HopeYouStepOnALego Tue 03-Mar-20 12:02:21

What does your job description say? I'm guessing it is all centred around the children - looking after them, taking them to/from school, cleaning related to the children and maybe preparing their meals if necessary. You shouldn't be doing general household tasks unless it's been agreed in your job description. If the husband wants you to scale back your responsibilities then this should have been discussed clearly and all parties agree what you will cease doing. He shouldn't be just saying 'make the mum do more' as that has no clarity. If you're simply following your job description then no fault can be placed at your door. I agree with others though, this placement seems to have run it's course and you should start looking for a new family to work for.

daisychain01 Tue 03-Mar-20 15:45:52

I don't give them advice, they have put me in the middle and tell me things.

If you live in, then it's inevitable after 11 years that you cannot avoid being affected by things going on in your employers' lives, but as previously stated, you are there and being paid to do a job, and must separate your emotional feelings from the transactional service delivery role, to them and the children they entrust you with.

As their marriage has deteriorated, you've become caught in the middle of the cross-fire. Although I can understand you will find it difficult to walk away, you need to do that because you can't fix these problems and it's entirely inappropriate for them to drag you into their battle.

You could reconcile the fact that eventually they won't need you anymore when the children get too old for a nanny. Find a new job. I'm sure they will give you a strong reference and your DBS / security clearance should be sound, so you won't have a problem securing something else.

Dontdisturbmenow Tue 03-Mar-20 19:50:18

Oh OP, this is so sad to read. It is not about you at all, you have nothing to blame yourself for. It sounds like dad thinks his wife is lazy and too reliant on you, but he sees the fault with her not you. You are doing nothing wrong.

Ultimately, you are in a bit of precarious situation now that the kids are older and with the situation between the parents, they could indeed decide at any time that they don't need you full -time or at all any longer.

I think now is the time to look for another nanny job where you are not so involve in the emotional drama of this family. After all this time, it is normal you would associate them a bit as your own family, but ultimately, it is a job and only a job. They are destroying your mental health and it is time to turn the page and leave it all to them. Ideally, you might want to let them know at the time you start going to interviews and try to make it civil so that maybe you can still remain in contact with the kids, that is if that would be easier for you.

AlwaysCheddar Wed 04-Mar-20 12:49:08

Get a new job!!!

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