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Response to lukewarm reference

(144 Posts)
Alanis126 Wed 04-Dec-19 18:09:21

It recently came to my attention that a biss wrote a lukewarm reference for me ca. 10 years ago. I am.not anticipating any benefit at all from challenging them on this but neither am I willing to let them get away with it. I have drafted but not sent an email to the person in question who refuses to speak to me about it over the phone. It is polite but firm amd points out that I got a better job than the one for which this manager wrote the reference shortly after. All I want to know is ( amd please, no naysaying "best not take any chances" replies) provided I stick to facts plus add that I think they for this reference wrong and I did not appreciate what they wrote am I in any way legally exposed myself? The reality is everyone hated management everyone was leaving and the lukewarm reference was written to stop me getting a job and leaving.

Cohle Wed 04-Dec-19 18:10:59

Was the reference factually accurate?

Aquamarine1029 Wed 04-Dec-19 18:11:26

You did leave and you did get a better job. It's been 10 years. Let it go.

TheLidoOfThighs Wed 04-Dec-19 18:13:39

What do you hope to gain from sending the email?

Aquamarine1029 Wed 04-Dec-19 18:14:12

I willing to let them get away with it.

Get away with what? From what you've written, this reference didn't affect you negatively whatsoever. The only damage is your bruised ego.

TheLidoOfThighs Wed 04-Dec-19 18:18:37

I’d be less worried by the legal risk and more by the certainty that by sending it you will come across as rather strange and obsessive. That it bothers you so much might also suggest to other people that you don’t feel confident in your abilities. Whilst it doesn’t matter what your shitty ex-boss thinks, if you put your complaint in writing it’s very easy for them to share it with others in a “look what batshit crazy Alanis sent me” kind of way.

TheLidoOfThighs Wed 04-Dec-19 18:20:04

I get why you’re furious, btw. Of course you would be. But this is one of those situations where rising above it is going to do you more favours.

Alanis126 Wed 04-Dec-19 18:58:40

I'm sorry I really don't agree with this "rising above it" business. How many times have dreadful bosses or bullies in any environment been allowed to get away with appalling behaviour because of this societal code, this way of keeping people in their place. As for it making me look strange or obsessive, I don't care what they think about me, I left the industry and I'm no longer in this bs trap of needing to pretend to respect people I don't to secure future income. Having bitten my tongue and done awful jobs for 20 years I got put 2 years ago and there's no way I'd go back.Im good with money and when nèeded have lived on little. What do I hope to gain? Closure and a strike back at a person who has got away with murder in the way they treat their employees.

BritInUS1 Wed 04-Dec-19 19:00:09

You haven't answered the question - was it factually correct?

MoonlightBonnet Wed 04-Dec-19 19:04:39

This happened ten years ago. A lukewarm reference which has had no impact on your life. You’d be better off spending the energy finding a way to move on from things.

Loopytiles Wed 04-Dec-19 19:06:44

10 years ago!

Employers are under no obligation to provide references.

The former boss is not at all U to ignore you!

MrsMaiselsMuff Wed 04-Dec-19 19:10:28

This is embarrassing. You're going to come across as unhinged.

Icedlatte Wed 04-Dec-19 19:15:33

The reference is a written paragraph about their view of your performance. So they felt lukewarm about your performance - they are allowed to! Even if you were capable of more and poorly managed by them, the fact remains they were asked THEIR review and they gave it.

Peony99 Wed 04-Dec-19 19:16:31

I'm lukewarm about some of the people I manage, because they do a fine but not amazing job.

If I wrote them a reference, I wouldn't gush (but nor would I make them sound shit).

If one of them came back to me 10 years later I would think the were insane.

Alanis126 Wed 04-Dec-19 19:21:06

There were no facts in the reference only subjective opinions. Again, I totally disagree with the above responses. I don't care if it was 20 years ago, if someone tells untruths about you, and you think calling that out makes someone unhinged well you are part of the problem. The working culture in the US and the UK seems to rely on keeping people compliant and silent, letting things go and lettting bullies and liars get away with things. How many people will attend work Xmas parties in the next few weeks when they'd rather be elsewhere just to avoid not being seen as a team player. I asked about the law, not.for opinions on my actions.

Boireannachlaidir Wed 04-Dec-19 19:21:23

What do I hope to gain? Closure and a strike back at a person who has got away with murder in the way they treat their employees.

You won't gain closure from doing this though. Neither will it be a strike back at this person you're clearly still very aggrieved with.

Your mental energy would benefit more from thinking about where you are now, how far you've come and not look backwards.

Alanis126 Wed 04-Dec-19 19:23:00

I know they wrote understated references.for me and for others to stop haemorraghing staff. They were not true and they were not even a true reflection of their opinion.

Loopytiles Wed 04-Dec-19 19:23:05

You have no legal recourse.

TheLidoOfThighs Wed 04-Dec-19 19:26:23

What do I hope to gain? Closure and a strike back at a person who has got away with murder in the way they treat their employees.

Ok, that’s why I asked. It will achieve neither of these things.

Closure - you never get closure by putting the ball back in the other person’s court. That reopens things, it doesn’t close them. It’s just a psychological fact. That’s why whenever you see stuff about writing a letter to get things off your chest, they always tell you not to send it.

A strike back - it won’t land like a strike. They will think you are mad and that they were right to produce a lukewarm reference, and also that you don’t understand what a standard reference contains. Best case scenario they laugh at you. Worst case scenario they post it on Twitter and it goes viral.

TheLidoOfThighs Wed 04-Dec-19 19:28:04

I know they wrote understated references.for me and for others to stop haemorraghing staff. They were not true and they were not even a true reflection of their opinion.

So let’s assume you’re right. Why do you think they will care what you think about it a decade later?

TheresWaldo Wed 04-Dec-19 19:28:13

After 10 years! That would be quite mad! Especially as you have moved on since. I was badly treated in a redundancy situation donkeys years ago and whilst it stung, no way on earth would I be harping on about it now. Employers want to know about your current or most recent experience and relationships and being bitter like this would not be a good look!

Ninjakittysmellz Wed 04-Dec-19 19:29:09

Honestly, even the mental energy you have spent writing this post is a waste - let it go! It was 10 years ago. TEN!!! You will damage your reputation further by responding now in any way - they will laugh at you and think you are bat shit! Seriously, fill your life with happiness and move forward. It’s not important, don’t let them get to you when it’s had zero impact on your life!

misspiggy19 Wed 04-Dec-19 19:31:20

You have no legal recourse. Now move on with your life instead of acting like a crazy, obsessive ex-employee

WeeDangerousSpike Wed 04-Dec-19 19:32:53

I wouldn't bother. And I say this as someone who nearly had a job offer withdrawn because the reference from the job that I had been made redundant from said that I had been off for several months, with mental health issues covered by disability legislation, caused by the fucking job in the first place.

The lukewarm reference didn't harm your prospects, the best revenge already happened 10yrs ago when you got the job despite it.

Candace19 Wed 04-Dec-19 19:35:50

What does BISS stand for ?

You need to let it go.

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