I’m not being believed.

(6 Posts)
linentowel Sun 11-Aug-19 18:33:23

Can anyone offer any guidance please.

We had a new guy start with us about 9 months ago. Good at his job, very likeable but very sales based. That’s his job but often a bit cringey and patronising.

I have been with the firm for 11 years. Never had a cross word with anyone and have loved my job. We have a great team and often socialise at each other’s houses for dinner, bbqs or kids playing etc.

This person came in and sits next to me. To start with all good. My family met him, like him as do other members of staff. There have been work outings and he’s very much centre of attention.

We had an issue about 4 months ago. He completely blew up over nothing. I just left it as sometimes our job is a bit stressful plus the issue didn’t directly involve me. I just got the end of his temper.

There was another issue 6 weeks ago. Apparently i was rude to him to which I apologised but he also brought up other conversations we have had where we have disagreed on a piece of work. The same thing happened last week. There is a disagreement, he shouts and then brings up other issues. Issues of which I have had no involvement or, if I could have I’d say I am sorry but you should have mentioned this at the time. He accused me of lying this week which I can categorically state I did not. His word against mine. I have asked him for examples of when he’s said something negative about me from weeks ago but he is unable to or has a great knack of waffling and changing the subject.

Our director became involved and I have come off feeling like I am not being believed. He is seen as the blue eyed boy that everyone likes and I am being set up. I spoke to family about it and their immediate reaction was saying they thought he was a decent guy, lovely and not like that.

I’ve started to do any interaction with him via email so I have a paper trail but I wonder if anyone has had anything similar happen to them or any advice as to what to do next?

OP’s posts: |
MT2017 Sun 11-Aug-19 19:27:51

He is bullying you.

Every time you have a conversation with him, send him an email outlining the points discussed / agreed.

If you haven't joined a union, do so now.

Be prepared to take this further if necessary and good luck.

daisychain01 Sun 11-Aug-19 21:00:08

Anyone like this bloke I tend to give a wide berth to, stay detached, business-like and don't let the guard down, ever, even if they try to make trouble ( which this sort do, to exert control).

I never, ever mix business and pleasure, even if others do. There's no way I'd ever invite a new employee home as I guard my privacy. It means people at work get a selective view of who I am, and it's the edited highlights I can tell you!

Try to detach, as of immediately. Only interact when you have to. Don't feel you have to build bridges, you've done nothing wrong. Try to put aside in your own mind everything that's gone before and start with a completely blank slate. If he tries to have a go, just 'grey-rock' him, give him zero fuel to his fire and see if it calms this intense situation down.

Sounds exhausting and deeply unpleasant, so try to survive the madness and see it as an irrelevant, temporary blip.

maxelly Mon 12-Aug-19 12:55:09

Yeah unfortunately every so often you come across these types that just seem to love creating drama and having conflict around them - funnily enough they do have superficially very attractive/charming/outgoing personalities until for whatever reason you're suddenly on the wrong side of them and all hell breaks loose... I agree it's very emotionally draining, particularly if you are the only one who sees this 'side' of them. I'm sure over on the relationships board they could 'diagnose' this as narc/gaslighting/abusive personality disorder or whatever but in practical, employment terms I think ^ Daisy has it. Unless you are prepared to meet fire with fire and really 'have it out' with him (in which case you need to feel confident you have the support of your boss and other colleagues), I really think avoiding engaging and getting drawn into the conflict he clearly craves is for the best.

So yes, if he wants to pointlessly disagree with you about the best way to do something, lots of hmm-mming and 'I see-ing' and 'I'll think about it' ing in a low, blank tone of voice. Even if he is saying things that are wrong or untrue, unless it is truly dangerous for him not to be corrected I'd just let him believe/think what he wants to think and not let myself be provoked into an argument. If there are crucial points from a discussion he might conveniently 'mis-remember', I'd develop a bad memory problem myself and start needing to document all key points/actions from conversations in follow up emails so that 'I don't forget what we agreed' (obviously nothing to do with him 'forgetting' wink ). If he starts ranting and raving at you just withdraw entirely and say 'I can't talk to you when you are like this'.

I know it seems like he 'wins' this way but what these people really want is not to be right or get their own way per se, but to 'defeat' someone else in an argument or assert their power over you, and if you just opt-out of their game altogether they don't get the satisfaction. Hopefully when the drama is not being fed he'll move on to something else (and perhaps his true colours will come out to everyone else!). Don't feel obliged to be on friendly terms with him either, even if your company is the kind where people are usually friends outside work he's really forfeited that opportunity by his behaviour to you so all he gets now is the bare minimum standard of civility you owe to a colleague...

Malvinaa81 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:31:41

I'm puzzled as to why he should have met your family, after such a short acquaintance.

As you now see this isn't a good idea.

As to work, could you try and get seated away from him?

He sounds dreadful to be near or have to work with.

linentowel Mon 12-Aug-19 20:56:28

Thank you for all your posts. I am going to read them again.

He’s met my family due to a summer function we had. Think small farming town. Families come in and meet for lunch etc, pick up at home time.

OP’s posts: |

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