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Missed miscarriage My workplace made me feel worthless

(10 Posts)
Babymummyrose Sun 20-May-18 14:31:00

I’m a part time chef, I have 1 daughter she just turned two in April 2018, me and my partner were ready to start trying for another baby so we did we got our positive test 7th August 2017 and we were over the moon ! (As to be expected) we went on holiday our first and last holiday as a family of three soon to be four! lovely time we had! Then 7th August I had a miscarriage at home, I never went to a doctor. Me and my partner kept it to ourselves and pretended like everything was normal I went to work the following Sunday I didn’t tell a soul I was so ashamed. Now on 21st of December a day before my birthday I did another pregnancy test just because me and my partner hadn’t been “safe” and I was due to go out and celebrate my birthday and my test was positive! My birthday that year was definitely a day early !! I got two scans I even put a deposit on a bigger house, the day of the move, the day of my scan. Friday 23rd of February 2018 I had a scan my heart broke there was no heartbeat. I opted for a D&C the nurse sent me home and said I would be called to book an appointment for surgery. So I’m back to why I started this thread, I went to work and told the duty manager my situation I didn’t want to cry but I did, I cried and held on to my tummy knowing “this is my baby and I will not feel ashamed” my duty managers words were “you need to finish your shift then you will have tomorrow off”. Now I look back and I was in a real state of shock everything was becoming real the more people that were aware. I work on my own on a Sunday from 8am to 4pm a chef running a kitchen with no other assistance or any other chefs I didn’t get a break it was a real busy day making Sunday lunches on my own. It’s now Sunday 20th May and I’m really looking back at this horrible situation I was in, wondering if anyone else has had an experience in a work place like this ? It was so obvious I was not fit for work I was an emotional wreck, very unstable I think i actually cut and burnt myself multiple times that day and made so many mistakes! I’d have just appreciated some help at work, I presume the duty manager didn’t want to call in the head chef on a Sunday but I guess I’ll never know.....
sadly miscarriage is a very common thing how did your work place support or handle your situation?

Aw12345 Sun 20-May-18 18:04:57

Very sorry to hear of your loss. So sad to have a miscarriage :-(

I haven't experienced this this myself but my friends baby died in the third trimester and her workplace made her work all day, tidy her desk etc. So sad, just so awful. Bad enough having to give birth to a stillborn baby but just so much worse to have people not being supportive :-(

Babymummyrose Sun 20-May-18 19:04:21

My heart goes out to your friend, I hope her family is healing with time flowersThanks for sharing your friends experience with me, it's very sad knowing miscarriage and still births are so common yet some work places lack genuine concern and/or support xx

Accountant222 Sun 20-May-18 19:16:26

Don't be ashamed, it happens to a great many women myself included. Here's hoping you are successful next time, keep your chin up x

bimbobaggins Sun 20-May-18 19:19:24

I think part of the issue was that you attended work therefore your work wrongly assumed you were there to work. In your situation I would have got my doctor to sign me off .
Sorry for your loss

marjorie25 Mon 21-May-18 18:55:00

I also agree, you put yourself in that situation by going into work. I would have gone to the doctor and get a couple of days off.
One of things I have realized in life in that : we came into the world and met work and we are going to die and leave work.
Employers are only interested in what you can do. At the end of the day you have to look out for yourself and in this case, you did not.
This may sound harsh, but I hope that your learned something from this. There always will be someone else who could do the work.

insancerre Mon 21-May-18 19:03:10

I'm really sorry for what happened
But if people turn up for work then it's fair to assume that they have chosen to be there
As a manager it's not my job to send people home, they can ask but it's up to them to decide if they are fit to work

Sweatymoose Fri 25-May-18 16:51:21

I had a spontaneous miscarriage a few years ago and ended up in hospital a couple of days. Called my manager from there who seemed very understanding. Got back to work, pulled into the office and was asked my permission for them to access my medical records because she didn't believe me, I had 3 days off, two in hospital. Lovely spiteful witch woman.

MouseLove Fri 25-May-18 16:57:42

I'm so sorry this has happened and that you don't feel supported. I had a mmc at 10 weeks last February and my work were amazing. Sent me flowers and didn't rush me back to work. I had 3 weeks off. Once I returned they made sure the work I had was something I was comfortable with, and continued to do the same level of care until I gave them the happy news that I am again pregnant and past 12 weeks and that my scan went well. I told them Wednesday. Everyone has been amazing, hugs, support, love & congratulations.

It sounds like you need to find a more supportive working environment that will encourage and support you in whatever you decide to do. I understand this might be difficult in a high pressure environment like a kitchen. But I work in the creative field and it involves long hours and honestly can say it's helped me mentally to know I can be honest and open with them.

Good luck and again, I'm sorry for your loss. X

Polarbearflavour Fri 25-May-18 18:46:30

You were having a miscarriage, you were within your rights to go home and your work cannot discriminate against you for pregnancy related illness. We do have still have some employment rights left in the UK.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately it does seem to be workplaces like retail/catering/hospitality that have issues with pregnancy. I’ve worked in quite a few professional office jobs and I can’t imagine such a thing happening in the places I’ve worked. I wonder if that’s because managers are poor, there’s a lack of HR involvement and workers are less able to push back in some industries?

I’m always surprised that there aren’t posts discussing managers not letting pregnant women leave work in labour! I’m sure that must happen with some of these awful managers around.

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