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Just messed up- me as needy girl

(30 Posts)
Nanodust Wed 25-Oct-17 18:46:01

Finally after years of hard work an opportunity looks like it might be coming my way. I should be elated and full of confidence however the opposite seems to have happened.

I don’t understand it, I feel that it is all going to be lost at the last minute. I can’t focus on my work and have just messed up by telling my boss I feel this way. My DH has suggested that this is going to make me sound very needy and I may have blown it.

I have no idea why I’m feeling this way, I’ve worked so much and so hard to get here and now I am full of self doubt, feeling paranoid and very alone.

There will be a competitive process for this opportunity which I am so worried I’m going to mess up or will be used as a chance to take the opportunity away for above disclosure of neediness 😧.

Anyone else ever felt like this or have any words of wisdom or encouragement? Is this imposter syndrome? Honestly I’m in knots and so down about this all, also worried that is going to show- I basically feel a sorry mess and wallowing in way too much so thought I’d turn to MN friends for a chat......

HundredMilesAnHour Wed 25-Oct-17 20:59:01

Could you imagine a man writing this post? I suspect not.

If you tell yourself that you going to mess up, you probably are! So stop being so self-destructive. And keep your mouth shut!!!

Remember the power of positive thinking.....if you don't believe in yourself, why should anyone else? And worse case, fake it until you make it!!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Wed 25-Oct-17 21:01:50

Yes, imposter syndrome in action... Just fake it till you make it, and stop telling people how you really feel. Nobody's going to hold your hand, you'll just come across as not confident enough to be trusted.

PerspicaciaTick Wed 25-Oct-17 21:08:50

Why is your DH undermining you? He could have given you a pep talk instead of sucking his teeth, stirring and making you feel worse.

Nanodust Wed 25-Oct-17 21:15:08

I know, I’ve been a blinking idiot for saying how I feel. I don’t know why I did it, bloody stupid.
I guess if nothing else, I’ve learnt that lesson. Good advice and thank you, I will keep my mouth shut more and try to fake it until I make it 👍🏼

I just hope that the make it is still an option and not the blown it!

bluejelly Wed 25-Oct-17 21:17:48

Definitely imposter syndrome. Try not to overthink it. I have just started a new job and it hits me in waves. At my worst I think - I could just walk away and I’d be ok. No job/project is your only shot at happiness/satisfaction.
flowers though, cos it’s hard.

ichbineinstasumer Wed 25-Oct-17 21:18:23

it's normal to have doubts but just stay quiet about them at work and write off your admission to the boss as a one-ff display of nerves. Nobody needs to know how you think and then they won't make any assumptions about your confidence.

Nanodust Wed 25-Oct-17 22:06:42

Thanks again. I do have confidence and rarely would I have been so open, I just seem to be putting so much pressure on myself this time I am acting out of character.
I have a very strong track record with my boss and he knows I can perform. I just seem to have had an unusually wobbly 2 weeks.

bluejelly Wed 25-Oct-17 22:59:07

I’m sure he’ll understand that. It’s totally fine to have wobbles - you wouldn’t be human otherwise!

LonginesPrime Wed 25-Oct-17 23:55:52

I’m sure you’ll be fine and it sounds like you’re overthinking it - you won’t blow it, just trust yourself and your knowledge and experience.

And remember that regardless of his friendly they are and his positive your working relationship is, your boss is not your friend. Don’t confide in them as they might not be able to separate a little wobble in confidence on your part from their overall impression of you (whether on a conscious or subconscious level).

Psychologically, it might help to put this in perspective as one opportunity of many that will come along for you, so you don’t freak out about the significance of this one interview/assessment.

I find it sometimes helps to look at other roles I’d like to apply for to avoid making too big a deal out of job interviews - even if you don’t apply for anything, just knowing you have other options can sometimes help.

Bruceishavingfish Thu 26-Oct-17 00:01:27

What did you say to your boss?

Was it 'i am feelimg a bit nervous about the change' type talk

Or a 'oh my god i cant do this, i am shit etc' type talk, with crying etc.

Nanodust Thu 26-Oct-17 07:04:17

I didn’t cry or anything like that. Just a general admission that I was anxious about the process and not getting through it. He responded implying I should have some faith in him, to which I absolutely agreed and tried to clarify it wasn’t about anything he had done, just my own general self doubt. The conversation on lasted about 5 minutes.
The only other thing is that I’ve been following up clarification on the matter and what the process will be for the last week or 2, I perhaps shouldn’t be asking so many questions, although they have all been asked in a professional way etc.
My plan now is to not mention anything again and make sure all future dealings are positive etc.

octoberfarm Thu 26-Oct-17 07:36:39

Oh goodness, this was me a few months ago. Apart from in my case, I actually said in the interview (I kid you not) "I'm not doing very well, am I?". I don't even know why I said it - I'd literally never say something like that in a normal interview. I just so wanted the job, and was suddenly crippled with self doubt.

Anyway, I think I probably just had classic imposter syndrome like you, but you can do this. If I were you, I'd avoid bringing up the conversation again and just let it go. I think reopening it with the guy probably at this point would only draw more attention to it anyway. Put on a brave face moving forward, trusting that you're probably thinking about this conversation way more than the other guy, and know that you haven't screwed up at all. He now knows you're nervous, nothing dreadful, and moving forward you can just take the bull by the horns and go for it. His response, especially, would indicate that he's rooting for you.

I got the promotion even after my mid-interview panic. You've got this smile

CandleLit Thu 26-Oct-17 07:43:07

Just do your best. I'm a manager and part of my job is encouraging my staff when they are having a crisis of confidence. Hopefully your manager did the same thing thought no more about it. We're all human. As I said, just do your best and don't fret about the outcome. It won't be a wasted experience if you learn from it.

strongandlong Thu 26-Oct-17 07:50:32

Oh I sympathize so much. I had an interview yesterday, having been with my current organisation for a long time, and got myself into such a flap about it. It was fine once I was in the room. I do know my stuff! It's pure imposter syndrome.

I don't think mentioning it to your boss is that bad. If one of my team said something like this I'd totally understand and do my best to reassure. Different if they don't know you or what you're capable of.

Is there anyone else you can look to for support? I got a great pep talk from a couple of my friends which helped me get a grip!

Bruceishavingfish Thu 26-Oct-17 07:52:46

Discuss a confidence crisis in a professional manner is not a bad thing to do. I would be disappointed in myself if the people whp work for me felt they could confide this in me. Disappointed in myself.

I certainly would not take an opportunity away because someone was honest with me. I would prefer to know how they feel before. I can reassure them and be prepared to support them until they get the confidence.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt Thu 26-Oct-17 08:08:17

I went through something similar a few years ago. I tried to power through it, bottling up my feelings and look confident and professional. That was all well and good, but once I’d got through the interview - and been offered the job - I completely fell to pieces. All the bottled up anxiety just became too much and I ended up turning down the job because I’d become too unwell to cope with the extra pressure.

Anyway, I think you did the right thing talking to your boss about it. If it was me in that position again, I think I’d also be talking to my GP. A few nerves are normal but you don’t want full-on anxiety getting you in its grip. Look after yourself. flowers

Trills Thu 26-Oct-17 08:31:50

I'm a manager and part of my job is encouraging my staff when they are having a crisis of confidence.

I was going to say that a GOOD manager should see things as @CandleLit does.

Your manager knows how capable you are from days and weeks and months of seeing your work. So they know that feeling nervous when going up for a promotion is not an indication that you should not be doing the job.

Sparky888 Thu 26-Oct-17 08:38:45

I think this is really really common, and as a manager I've had it a few times. Dont feel bad about telling your manager that you felt bad! Just an added worry!

If you think he was a bit surprised / put out by your admission, if you're feeling a bit more positive about it, I'd tell him or send him an email to say that. Sometimes the feeling is really up and down, Sonia you're more up now, let him know and reassure him.

There is so much faking at work, and IME most men wouldn't have been open about their anxiety. But being open, and then showing how you're still up for the progression is fine too.

If your anxiety isn't ceasing, have a think about arranging quick CBT while you go through the anxiety provoking situation of being promoted - it is a readjustment of the pressures on you, and your view about your own capabilities. The people in my team who have had this, have turned out to be the best at the job once they've settled in smile

Nanodust Thu 26-Oct-17 08:43:27

Thank you so much for getting back to me with your messages. This has been such a boost to me this morning!

I just need to get my confidence in check and I have a long track record of high performance so hopefully that will be more prominent than my wobbly.

Bruceishavingfish Thu 26-Oct-17 08:45:42

Honestly we all wobble. I think you dh was being a dick with his comments.

You can do this and havent messed up with being honest with your feelings.

DanHumphreyIsA Thu 26-Oct-17 08:46:32

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you’ve said to your boss. It’s good to admit where there are struggles, or things you can’t get your head around. That way it doesn’t fester and is resolved before you lose your way completely and make errors etc.

I’m naturally anxious. One way I managed it in new jobs is to write down questions/concerns as they come up, and address them in one go at an appropriate time (like a scheduled catch up/review etc).

It also gives me a chance to go over the questions before asking them, to see what I actually know the answer to (where nerves were clouding my judgement), and it makes me feel like less interruptive than asking individual questions throughout the day.

I don’t know why your DH says it would come across as needy though, unless he has a boss who would treat concerns in such a way (or he is that type of boss himself!)

slimyslitheryslug Thu 26-Oct-17 09:29:48

Can you go back to your boss and say that you have been thinking about your concerns some more, that A, B and C are things you know you'll be able to deal with, that D, E and F are concerns but can be addressed by doing X course or having Y put in place but that G is a genuine concern of yours and will need to be addressed.
I'm being promoted at work and have had various discussions with my (male) boss about my suitability for the role. He put me forward for it so obviously doesn't have any major concerns but that doesn't mean to say it isn't a big leap for me. He knows me well so we have had some really constructive conversations and one aspect of the job is being adapted accordingly.

bluejelly Thu 26-Oct-17 13:59:11

Some great advice on this thread. Also one of your manager’s most important roles is to support you - through your ups and your downs. You’re allowed to have downs! We all do smile

SkeletalFishtail Thu 26-Oct-17 14:06:31

OP please take the time to watch this Ted Talk. It really really helped me get the job I want. Amy Cuddy Fake it till you are it. I'm now in a job that pays me 30k more per year than I was on this time last year. And I am well able for it!!

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