Cried during my yearly evaluation

[Faries]

I had my yearly work evaluation today. I work in the private sector and I cried all the way through. There were some very personal attacks and some vindictive wording from one of the managers on my team.

Only saving grace was it was only with my direct line manager and we have a good relationship but it's not the kind of image I want to project.

How should I handle these in the future so I don't cry?

[Bananajam]

I did too, for 45 minutes because it felt like a complete character assassination and I was already stressed. I'm looking for another job because the business manager and my direct manager are both horribly negative all the time which is making working for them very difficult. I don't know how I could have stopped myself crying.

If you have a good relationship with your manager then presumably they understand you found it overwhelming. I honestly don't know how to toughen up so I don't cry if I feel I'm being treated unfairly and I'm in a stressful situation. Sorry, not much help but I do sympathise

[HeddaGarbled]

I'm not sure that it's you who needs to change to be honest. Is it a very macho competitive type of work environment? Or just the one arsehole? No one at my workplace would do personal attacks and vindictiveness at an appraisal. Areas for improvement will be brought up but sensitively and supportively. Did your line manager have any views on the comments he/she was reporting?

[BrownEyedLady]

I had frequent negative feedback from a manager in the past. Got to the point where I doubted my (previously praised) skills and was anxious over everything I said - became almost mute in meetings. The manager didn't give me examples of what I did wrong, even after asking. I did lots of research about how to receive critical feedback and it helped me loads - gave me lots of perspective and put a bit of power back in my corner. I'd advise doing the same. I think it has made me a better manager too.

[willandkate]

I've done similar recently too, in my case I felt massively overwhelmed and frustrated at the situation. Without going into detail, I've had positive feedback for years (to the point where I've been disappointed at the lack of constructive criticism and objectives to improve) until another manager (my peer) has turned to our line manager and been very critical. My manager has then taken all criticism as gospel...
It's been a horrible experience but now coking out the other side, I'm seeing the learnings. Agree that researching how to receive criticism is good, I also found it good to disconnect a little - remove emotion and don't take it personally. Weak or inexperienced management is a problem as well as people's personal agendas. It's all a big game in the business world. Stay strong and you're definitely not the only one

[willandkate]

*coming not coking

[Enidblyton1]

I cried once in an appraisal. When I thought about it afterwards I realised I was upset because I was pulled up for several small things which should have been mentioned at the time, rather than kept until the appraisal. A very wise boss once said to me that a good appraisal should never shock you.
Don't feel bad about this - sounds like your appraiser could do with some training.

[Faries]

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling calmer this morning.

@Enidblyton1 that's exactly what it is. Incidents that occurred 6 months ago were brought up. Nothing was mentioned at the time and then suddenly it was "a senior person once said this mildly critical thing about an email you sent them 6 months ago and it was a whole paragraph about bring the team into disrepute" I was on hols and picked an email to speed something up, but phrased it too forthrightly it seems.

The whole thing contradicts itself as my two senior managers wrote parts of it and one is the vindictive one and the other wasn't, but still brought up things that weren't relevant to my role or my performance. It was pretty awful and I'm still feeling let down and don't know what to do. I can't "fight" the review but equally don't want to leave it.

[ArgyMargy]

This kind of thing is very common, I think. Enid is absolutely spot on - appraisals should never be a surprise and if it is, your manager is at fault. You could write a formal response laying out any errors of fact, and stress that you would expect any issues to be dealt with at the time rather than saved up for the annual review. You should also expect your manager to support you to ensure that similar issues are avoided in future - i.e. "I would like to discuss what measures you & I will put in place to ensure this doesn't happen again". Make it your manager's responsibility to manage you, rather than bully you.

[BillyDaveysDaughter]

Ugh, I almost cried in one once...long story but I'd only been in the job 6 months or so and it was the first time he'd even sat me down for a proper one to one. Not only did he insist on meeting in a pub at 10am - where he proceeded to drink 4 pints - but he had a list of criticisms to work through, from the tone of my emails to my timesheets, and taking the holiday I'd booked before I even took their stupid job (apparently I "should have cancelled" to make a better impression).

I felt devastated and angry (I'm a total girly swot and have NEVER had such feedback in 20 years) but held it together enough to stand up for myself a bit. I even said, "Do you have anything positive to say at all?"

He shrugged and said, "Well, the clients seem to rate you so that's good I suppose."

I found another job and left 2 months later. Arse.

[JontyDoggle37]

You absolutely can fight the review. Think about what you want, and very calmly ask for a follow up meeting with your line manager. Express your disappointment that direct timely feedback was not given by the critical people. Also be clear about the amount of feedback that does not relate to your role. Finally you can also express (very professionally) your disappointment that the appraisal process does not include review and challenge of feedback which is irrelevant or unsubstantiated. You could request a re-run of your appraisal with feedback collected relating to your role - provide your line manager with a list of tasks you could be appraised on, and a list of people who would be apprpriate to evaluate you on those. You are NOT powerless here, and as long as you keep it about 'the process' and not being personal, it is totally possible to tackle it. You could also seek some support from HR, but I would definitely challenge back to your line manager first and see where you get. Best of luck! (And I've been there, got ambushed with bad feedback in an annual appraisal and cried my eyes out).

[scaryclown]

This makes me so angry on your behalf. What is the fucking point of appraisals if they make things worse afterwards. If i was tgat person's manager I would kick their fucking game playing judgemental miserable arse like no tomorrow. The purpose of appraisals arr to make sure everything goes better afterwards not to fucking demoralise, insult and face-step.

His choice of language sounds utter arseworthy and he deserves to be woken the fuck up, slapped across his face and bollocked in his own.

Arsehole.

I think crying is totally appropriate. You were negativrly affected, and showed it. Hold your head high that you are still humsn and not dead inside like the sad twat who cocked it up.

[Woodifer]

Arg this happened to me today! Felt like I'd let all women down! Just felt my lip going. Gah! I kind of expected a bad review (having raised issues with the way we're working), and I though I wouldn't care - but I really did.