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So exactly HOW do I "stop taking things so personally"

(13 Posts)
Everyoneafter3 Tue 17-Jan-17 22:14:24

Today my manager, normally very supportive (and I think this was his intention tbh) told me I needed to stop taking things to so personally and detach more.

The background is that nine months ago I was promoted to a management position. Career wise I was very happy. No extra money and no change in job title. As a result, I am not seen as a manager. I'm told that 'politically' they cannot allow me to have manager in my job title.

I'm subjected to low-level nastiness on an almost daily basis. One member of my team has made their reservations about my management clear and savaged me in her appraisal. I'm mostly ignored. I get no credit for any work I do and the head of service actively diminishes everything I do. I've instigated and implemented several massive projects, delivering on time and but the credit is given to others.

Many of my colleagues won't even respond to "hello" or "good morning".

Junior staff pick holes in my work and do everything they can to trip me up.

In this environment it's really difficult not to get down. I try not to show how I feel but my manager says I need to not take things personally.

But how do I do this when my colleagues are behaving like this? I'm looking for other jobs but I can't afford to take a job paying less than my (resasonably well paid) role that I actually enjoy.

IPokeBadgers Wed 18-Jan-17 12:22:36

It's so hard isn't it! I am going through a shit time at work too and find it hard not to take the crap personally. No good advice but just wanted to say you are not alone! Hopefully someone will come back with more meaningful advice.

Chippednailvarnishing Wed 18-Jan-17 12:25:20

So you get all the management shit but none of the perks?

Fuck that, I'd be job hunting.

mumofthemonsters808 Wed 18-Jan-17 13:02:23

Could you request management development training ?, this would at least enable you to adapt your style to suit the team you are responsible for.It would also look good on your CV.

I would not let him get away with telling me I took things too personal, it's too much of a blanket term, I'd want specific examples of how I could of handled things differently and a discussion about whether I needed support in handling constructive criticism.Providing feedback and recognition for your work and providing you with ownership for successful projects is also part of his management role.

It all sounds dire, I'd ask to return to my old job role or I'd be filling in job application forms rapidly.

dollyollymolly Thu 19-Jan-17 19:44:42

I'm amazed you took on the extra responsibility for no change in job title and no more money.

What exactly are you getting from this arrangement other than a headache?

dollyollymolly Thu 19-Jan-17 19:44:53

I'm amazed you took on the extra responsibility for no change in job title and no more money.

What exactly are you getting from this arrangement other than a headache?

GnomeDePlume Sat 21-Jan-17 07:01:30

TBH it sounds like you are being stitched up. You arent officially a manager. You are being used by your manager to take all the managerial flack, do all the managerial work but when it comes down to reward and recognition your manager/other managers get all the credit.

In the mean time your colleagues know that you arent really a manager so feel free to treat you with a lack of respect.

I was and to a certain extent am still in that position.

The only way I was able to move things on at all was that I started attending interviews for other jobs. This shocked my manager into doing something about the situation. Nowhere near as much as I would have wanted though so I think I will start looking at the jobs market again.

It is a crap situation for you. I would recommend that you detach totally and start looking for another job.

CountFosco Sat 21-Jan-17 07:24:51

That's the kind of comment women get regularly from managers but men don't. Grr. At the very least you should get a job title change to signal your change in responsibilities, that can be useful when you are job hunting as well. DH got that recently although he didn't get a payrise for taking on more responsibility. I think it's quite common to have an overlap in pay between an experienced person who is not doing any management and a bottom of the rung manager so that doesn't surprise me so much (we have the same at my work because the grades overlap so much although a promotion always results in a set % pay rise, and actually a promotion to a management position results in a higher % pay rise because terms and conditions change at that point as well, e.g. no paid overtime anymore).

Kennington Sat 21-Jan-17 07:34:27

Your boss sounds a nightmare: if you are not called a manager then you aren't one.
Ask for the job title or leave. Can you go to HR?
Your colleagues sound terrible.

illegitimateMortificadospawn Sat 21-Jan-17 07:40:03

It does sound like an unclear & rather dysfunctional set up. I'd be looking for a new job, as it sounds like you have an unsupportive manager and are being taken advantage if.

illegitimateMortificadospawn Sat 21-Jan-17 07:40:13


Everyoneafter3 Sat 21-Jan-17 10:52:27

I have a supportive HoD but my actual line manager is horrendous. We're getting a new overall head of service and we'll all be having meetings with them and I plan to bring it up then.

I'm certain a man wouldn't have been told the same, you're right.

Everyoneafter3 Sat 21-Jan-17 10:53:49

Definitely looking for a new job. Not much locally atm (relocation not an option or something I want - we like it here!). It's a niche role.

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