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help...apparently my whole team hate me!!

(33 Posts)
seriouslydudegivemecake Tue 11-Oct-16 23:55:56

Little bit of background...so I have just taken up a management role in my office to cover maternity leave. Ive been member of staff for 10 years and often cover maternity/sickness for managers but Ive never fancied doing it permanently so have always declined when it was offered. My new team consists of 15 staff who I am responsible for, usual stuff, checking their work, prioritising and dealing with their HR etc. I stress I have also worked with everyone on the team for a number of years and always thought I got really well with everyone.

Well today that illusion was well and truly shattered when I was unceremoniously screamed at by a colleague. At the time I kept my cool and just asked him to calm down and we would speak later about it. After around half an hour we went to have a chat and he proceeded to tell me everyone on my team dislikes me, that i had been agressive toward him on numerous occassions and I was unprofessional.

This has absolutely devastated me beyond words. I can handle criticism fine and I expect them to have a little chatter behind my back when Ive asked them to keep the noise down or asked why they havent met their targets but it felt really personal today. I dont think Ive ever been aggressive toward anyone and i always put 100% into anything i do at work.

I was so hurt i went to the loo and cried told my boss i had a migraine then came home. I dont want to go in tmrw now either.

Can anyone offer any advice on what i should do? I am seriously considering just withdrawing from the management role and keeping myself to myself. I cant sleep with worry about what i have done to make people who i thought were my friends dislike me.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 12-Oct-16 00:04:50

It could be that he is just exaggerating everything. It could be that you have a tone or mannerisms that you don't realise you use that come off harsh. It could be a combo of the two. Do you have anyone at work or friends or family that you are close to to ask if you ever come across like that? A close friend at work would be ideal because people can be different in a work environment.

I honestly doubt it's as exteme as he says as you would keep being asked to step up or get on well when you stepped back down.

Many bosses are far worse than what you have described so maybe you just hold your head high and crack on as you are.

Catzpyjamas Wed 12-Oct-16 00:05:13

Ok, you only have his word for it that everyone dislikes you and it doesn't sound like he was in the best of moods today.
You do need to sit him down and explain that you will not tolerate being spoken to like that by a member of the team and you would be within your rights to discipline him for screaming at you.
Could he be jealous that you got the maternity cover?
WRT the rest of the team, talk to them? Individually would be best at first. Ask them how they think you can get the best out of them.
Sounds like a horrible day today but if you don't go in and face it tomorrow, it will only be harder the next day.

AbyssinianBanana Wed 12-Oct-16 00:10:16

Why do you believe someone who screams at his manager like a banshee and then proceeds to tell his manager EVERYONE dislikes her and she's unprofessional?

Did he show you a statement signed by all members of your team? No? That's because he's talking out of his ass.

How dare HE call YOU unprofessional when he doesn't own up to his inexcusable behaviour, doesn't apologise, and tries to tell you it's a personality issue?!

I can't believe this asshole has you questioning yourself. Put your big girl pants on and don't allow the prick to get away with this. Ask yourself if he would say and treat an older male colleague the way he treated you today.

seriouslydudegivemecake Wed 12-Oct-16 00:17:45

Thanks for replying...it really was a bad day!!

Yes i think its best if i just put my big girl shoes on tmrw and go back in. I will definately have another talk with him and make it clear i wont be spoken to like that again. I will also speak to a few others in the team and find out if i do come across in a certain way...and then try to move forward from there.

Again thank you for replying...it has helped settle my mind and given me an idea of how to tackle it...its never happened to me before.

Catzpyjamas Wed 12-Oct-16 00:22:04

Hope tomorrow is a better day flowers

seriouslydudegivemecake Wed 12-Oct-16 00:30:42

Me too...thank you for being kind

TaintedAngel Wed 12-Oct-16 00:40:02

Personally I would go in with my head high and tackle it head on showing him you are not to be intimidated with being shouted at.
First thing I would arrange a meeting with him and state you are always happy for feedback and suggestions on how to improve as a TM in order to benefit the team. However, professionalism works both ways and his behaviour yesterday will not be tolerated in the work place and any further displays of that behaviour will be followed up. If he has any grievances he should discuss them with you and you will be more than willing to take on board what he has to say providing he approaches it in the correct way.

Then I would move on to his claims about the rest of the team and I would ask him directly if this is the case or if it was something said in the heat of the moment? As you are keen to work with the team to make sure your team are as happy as they can be at work and you can only make changes if people speak to you. Then take it from there and organise a team meeting for 15 mins if possible to clear the air if it's suggested that this is a team wide issue.

Hope things get better for you op. chocolatewineflowers

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown Wed 12-Oct-16 01:02:08

I doubt very, very much if the whole team hates you hmm sounds like Boyo was having a juvenile temper tantrum and this was the best "ya boo sucks, sticks out tongue and runs away" shite that he could come up with.
Don't you dare take it to heart!! You need another meeting to let him know that he was completely out of order.

OlennasWimple Wed 12-Oct-16 01:09:24

Follow TaintedAngel's advice apart from asking him whether he meant what he said about everyone else: it's nothing to do with him how other's view you, and don't give him the satisfaction of thinking that he has got to you.

YNK Wed 12-Oct-16 01:12:43

I had a boss like that - she did it to everybody!
She had a divide and rule approach and was well known for it.
Before I knew, I actually went to someone in another team and apologised to her because I'd been told she had reported me for something. She was totally shocked that anyone would suggest that of her!
After that I saw it happen again and again only everyone knew what she was up to.
Sad really!

user1476140278 Wed 12-Oct-16 01:14:56

It could be that you have a tone or mannerisms that you don't realise you use that come off harsh

That's what MiddleClass said and I have to point out that people RARELY accuse male bosses of this.

It's such bull. A manager has to have some authority in the way they speak.

OP don't let him get away with screaming at you. How dare he!?

Make a meeting with your superior tomorrow and tell them exactly what went on. Email it too so there's a paper trail of sorts.

user1476140278 Wed 12-Oct-16 01:17:12

Also WHY do people look to the way a woman has spoken or acted as an EXCUSE for male behaviour? OP never gave any indication that she is harsh or anything so in the light of her telling us this man had screamed at her, there's always someone looking to victim blame when it's a woman who'se complaining about the way someone's treated her.

It's crap.

oldlaundbooth Wed 12-Oct-16 01:35:42

'Also WHY do people look to the way a woman has spoken or acted as an EXCUSE for male behaviour'

YES.

And a PP said this would not have happened if you had been an older male. He wouldn't even consider it, screaming at you. WTAF.

Go in tomorrow. Get him in your office first thing and tell him its unacceptable that he speak to you like that. Threaten to discipline him.

You need to develop a thicker skin if you are to manage people misogynistic idiots

daisychain01 Wed 12-Oct-16 01:58:35

As a manager you do not need to be liked or popular. Please please, do not go asking other members of your team what they think about you. It will seriously compromise your authority as a manager. Quite frankly don't give a damn what people's opinion about you is, provide you execute your role duties with respect and good intent, they can choose to like you, hate you or anything in between.

I'd have a meeting with the screaming banshee. Don't get into any of the minutiae of what they said, that gives them far too much credence. Remind them about respect in the workplace and that a repeat performance will be the start of a formal disciplinary procedure according to company policy.

If they wish to communicate any matters to you that need your attention, they can do it appropriately during meetings you have with them. Not via an unprofessional rant in the open office.

I would also alert your own line manager about this situation and let them know beforehand this is what you plan to do in case they have any comments to make.

daisychain01 Wed 12-Oct-16 02:03:45

And I agree, you definitely need to develop a skin like a rhino!

Atenco Wed 12-Oct-16 03:15:24

Nearly everyone at some point gets pissed off with their boss and complains and, in my experience, people get more uppity with the nice bosses than they do with ones who really are deeply unpleasant.

This fella sounds like a jerk and needs to be put in his place, however maybe a feedback session with the team might be a good idea after a bit of time has gone past so that he does not see any connection.

JerryFerry Wed 12-Oct-16 04:14:07

What an arsehole he is. Guess he's really struggling with having a female boss. Presumably he has small dick syndrome. Report him for being unprofessional, aggressive and uncooperative.

Optimist3 Wed 12-Oct-16 04:23:06

The whole team won't hate you. You might have annoyed a small handful but that's normal for everyone. He's made it very personal though. I would ask him to explain each one of his statements in detail. Who hates you. List them. He won't be able to

Optimist3 Wed 12-Oct-16 04:23:48

Ask him if he has issues being managed by a femail

LeftRightUpDown Wed 12-Oct-16 05:15:24

As it was said above being a manager means that you can't care what others think of you or really be friends with them.

I really care what people think of me and it's important that I'm liked which is why I will never go for a management role.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 12-Oct-16 12:48:15

user1476140278 just so you know for me this has nothing to do with gender. I would say exactly the same to a male. I've said this same thing to my DH before we were married.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 12-Oct-16 12:49:49

Also his version of everyone hates you could clone from him moaning to someone about you and them just nodding awkwardly but not actually agreeing and he's thinking "their on my side".

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 12-Oct-16 12:59:11

Why did you tell your boss you had a migraine? Shouldn't you have told her/him about the incident with your colleague? Or HR?

It's completely and utterly unacceptable to speak to your manager in that way - please don't carry on letting this get to you whilst he gets to carry on as though nothing has happened.

If he (or any other colleagues) have issues with your work, they should make a complaint through appropriate channels. NOT by screaming like a 5 year old that "everybody hates you!"

I also agree that Managers can't always be popular, they do often have to pull people up on things & give orders. It's part of the job, and anyone less than the CEO needs to get used to there being someone above them! It doesn't sound as though your colleague has learnt that lesson yet!

IBelieveTheEarthIsFlat Wed 12-Oct-16 13:01:57

First of all, he's a prick and completely unprofessional. Take no notice of him.

Secondly, do not try to find out if you are liked. You will come across as desperate and need and most definitely unprofessional.

You are a manager and being liked, especially for a woman, is often the casualty of being one. And it is far more likely if you were also previously one of the team and are now in management. I'm sure it will work out with the team overall but the dynamics have changed and you need to be aware of that. It doesn't mean they hate you. And he's still a prick

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