Getting over bullying

[ostrichised]

I have worked in marketing and pr for more than 15 years in-house. Always had good appraisals, reasonable relationship with bosses. I recently resigned while on maternity leave as I had a terrible working relationship with my boss. She made it clear over the three years I worked for her that she thought I was terrible at my job. belittled me and I cried regularly. I became extremely stressed out and my hair started falling out. My maternity cover has since been appointed into my previous role at a much inflated job title etc. My issue is that I can't get over it even though I am now freelancing, and things going ok. I keep thinking why I couldn't make it work between us, yet my maternity cover could? Why did she think so little of me? I know it no doubt sounds self-indulgent, but I can't seem to let go of these feelings which are impacting on my mood and my confidence in my abilities.
Grateful for any thoughts or advice.

[Skiptonlass]

Some people, unfortunately, are just absolute shits.

There's nothing you can do about it. If you've previously never had issues with bosses, then it's likely your last one just fell into this category. If you always have issues with your boss, look closer to home, but that doesn't seem like the case here.
Dealing with people like this is incredibly difficult. I've had two really bad ones in my time, with the rest being the usual mix of really good and plain average. What have I learned?

A bad boss is toxic to your self esteem and career. At the first whiff of badness you need to ask yourself one critical question. Can I manage them or do I need to move on? If you can manage them then you should. You can find many articles online about different personality types and how best to deal with them. What you need to be able to do is realise when you can change the dynamic and when you can't. When you can't, it's a waste of your time and self esteem to try and that when you get out.

So my previous bad boss was a sulker and a shouter. I managed him for a while with the "don't you dare treat me like that" and the "if you're going to act like a toddler I will treat you like one" approaches, I.e. Assertiveness right back and refusing to engage with bad behaviour.

My current boss is one I can't change. When I joined my current organisation I had a different manager, got promoted, did really well. They department reorganised and I got a new boss. She's terrible. Disinterested, plays favourites, doesn't turn up to scheduled 1:1 s, constantly harasses my direct reports for dirt on me (I've seen the emails.) it's a horrible situation to be in and I've realised a I can't change it. So, when I'm back from mat leave, I'll move if I can within the organisation. There's no point making myself any more stressed and down than I already am.

So in answer to your question : you'll drive yourself demented asking why. You'll never find out. It could be that she doesn't like you. Or she's threatened by you. Or is one of those people who need a scapegoat and you're it. Or needs to put others down to make her feel better.

What you need to do now is regroup, and tell yourself that you will NOT let this happen again. You may be put in this situation again, for sure (plenty of shitty people out there) but if you see history repeating you need to start on your exit plan. It'd be lovely to take arseholes like this down, but in the real world HR are not your friends, management close ranks and your health is too precious to waste on idiots like that.

[ostrichised]

Thank you for your response. Such good sense and I am sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. With hindsight a previous boss told me when I reached out for advice said get out now! (This was 9 months into the job, but I stupidly was worried about how it would look on my CV.)

I feel like I need to learn better how to handle these kind of people better in the future so it doesn't damage me and my confidence so much.
Anyway thank you- hope you manage to get a better boss soon!

[Skiptonlass]

I hope you do too! Mine is currently doing all she can to make my life miserable - last week I got forwarded an email chain from one of my reports where he'd made an error and she gave him the option to pin it on me! Luckily he refused...

I'm just trying to keep my head down until I go on mat leave and once I'm back I'll try to move internally. It's a shame as its a good job and I was enjoying it and rising well until she became my manager.

Best of luck, hope you get a better deal soon :)