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leaving job but issues... how to get over them?

(13 Posts)
SuperFlyHigh Mon 11-May-15 12:14:32

I've been employed for the past 5 years as a legal PA/Secretary and was bullied for 2 of those years by a colleague ("Lara") and her friend ("Elsa") - Elsa temped for the company during holidays/sickness. There was a disciplinary with the 2 bullies who both denied it but was handled very badly by my boss ended up with me losing my temper beforehand (after Elsa replying and denying the bullying allegation and copying me in on an email about this...) and getting ironically a warning for losing my temper when seeing Elsa's email. The bullying stopped after that!

I do still feel quite bitter for not only my boss not handling this well (and vastly underpaying me by approx £5K for past 5 years!) but also slightly towards my colleague ("Lara") although we are now 'friendly' as we have to work together. The other person "Elsa" I hardly see and have never drawn a line under this with her... - she is the wife of a very good male friend "Barnie) (Barnie is now an ex-friend) of my mother's, apparently one of the main reasons for her bullying me (apart from her being a control freak) was that Barnie was in love with my mother many years ago (maybe still is?!) and had never stopped going on about this to Elsa and winding her up and making Elsa jealous. I heard this latter info second hand but believe it and when I did hear this info the penny 'dropped' with me as to why Elsa had been so nasty towards me. But of course making me out to be unreasonable etc...

Elsa had when I'd been working with her criticised my taking of time off for sickness, my ways of working (in front of me with my boss in next room separated by a broken glass door and knowing full well I could hear her), Elsa was also a close friend of my boss and Lara so they'd bitch either in front of me, down the pub etc... and in front of me or behind my back.

But of course now I still feel a bit bitter and can't completely 'put it behind me'. I had to have CBT counselling due to the bullying for about a year and it affected me applying for jobs, going for interviews, moving on etc. I have been fine for the past I think 18 months...

I'd love to walk out and know this is the best way round it - saying nothing, having a leaving party if I want to and not making any comments at all... but sometimes the sense of injustice overcomes me and I want to snap at at least Lara (not my boss). I've already got a reference for my new job sorted from my current boss.

Please can someone either be the voice of reason and tell me how/why to grow up/grow a pair and just ignore them and move on. sorry for the rant!

blueshoes Mon 11-May-15 12:57:37

Sorry to hear about your hard time with this firm. Unless you are going to lodge a formal grievance about the bullying or otherwise take it further with HR, I would suggest you look for another job and put this behind you.

It might appeal to your sense of justice and fairness but some battles are just not worth the fight. You say you are being unpaid anyway so no point staying.

My advice is to move on quietly and get on with your life. You can laugh at them from your new perch.

blueshoes Mon 11-May-15 12:58:14

It might not appeal

SuperFlyHigh Mon 11-May-15 13:28:59

Blueshoes - I have got another job!

I just feel hard done by in current one and want to say something when I leave/before I leave.

blueshoes Mon 11-May-15 13:39:49

You can mention it in the exit interview, if there is one. But that goes nowhere IME.

There has already been a disciplinary, you lost your temper, you feel your boss is not handling this properly, there is bitching openly and behind your back. There is already a lot of drama and I fear it is too much for anyone to really want to go into at this point, as you are already leaving.

Do you have allies in the office?

Otherwise IMO it is best to leave with quiet dignity and living well (in your new job - congrats!) is the best revenge.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 11-May-15 13:42:08

I do have allies in the office... we don't have exit interviews per se - too small.

I agree with you - there is too much drama and I should leave with quiet dignity and live well.

I am almost tempted to spill the beans re great new salary, perks etc... just to rub it in...

WhoNickedMyName Mon 11-May-15 13:46:50

The whole story doesn't paint any of you in a fantastic light really.

If I were you I'd try and retain some dignity - either deal with it formally and professionally, or say nothing at all. Snapping at anyone before you leave is not the way to depart.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 11-May-15 14:09:20

Who - I know it doesn't paint me in a great light or them.

I am also bitter as I was told that I could've taken my boss to a tribunal and won... after all this disciplinary stuff as Elsa was hindering my progress there and my boss really didn't handle any of it well.

I will bite my tongue but I suppose I just wanted to rant.

Skiptonlass Wed 13-May-15 18:30:01

Move on with dignity. Do not burn your bridges and do not make any grand gestures. It's a small world and you will run into the same work colleagues again and again.

You need to be remembered as the person who rose above it and left with their dignity intact, not the person who settled grudges when they left.

If you need something to cling to to stop you doing something, keep telling yourself that by leaving with dignity, YOU win and they lose. They'd love it if you made a fool of yourself by a grand gesture/hissy fit on the way out.

And you never know where you'll meet people again. I was once in a situation where I was treated appallingly by a superior, truly awful stuff.
Several years later he was up for a very prestigious post. I had no idea but someone I'd worked with previously rang me up and said ' you're a good judge of character, do you remember x? Be honest, what's he like?' I told him, and it turned out he didn't get the job. Karma is a bitch ;)

Keep your cool, be lovely to everyone when you leave.

SuperFlyHigh Thu 14-May-15 09:40:38

Skipton thanks so much for this - I really did need a reality check.

You have put it well with everything you say... It's stuff that friends/relatives say to me but of course if they're too close to you you tend to ignore them.

The one person (the friend) who if I ever see again I will say something to her is Elsa - in fact if my mum saw her or anyone else I know (if they recognised her) they'd be hard pushed to say nothing. Only because she started this, I never did work with her and her DH was a very close friend of my mums. However I would try to avoid contact/talk with her. I would also keep in mind that she's close friends with my boss so try to rise above there too.

Hedgehogparty Fri 15-May-15 10:12:40

Agree with Skipton, don't burn bridges.what do you want to achieve by speaking out?

It might be hard at the moment but I think looking back, you will be happier just leaving it behind you?

SuperFlyHigh Fri 15-May-15 10:17:41

Hedgehog - yes it will be happier and easier leaving it behind me...

I am also in 2 minds 1 of the bullies Lara in past 6 months to 1 year I've really made an effort with her, asked about her family, been super nice to her sons/daughter, grandkids when they come round to the office... I am tempted to ask her does she want to keep in touch, have lunch before I go etc - I know she will still gossip/bitch with Elsa but as I'm moving just one tube stop away - what do you think about that?

Hedgehogparty Fri 15-May-15 10:38:14

I wouldn't bother personally.

why make such an effort for someone who you say has bullied you?

New job, new start.

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