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How can I help my husband? (Bullying related)

(2 Posts)
Beaverfeaver Fri 17-May-13 20:00:05

My DH has been working in a company for over 6 years and has had a few promotions in that time so was well regarded.
He is skilled and does a good job.

However, over the past year he has become very depressed because his female manager bullies him.

She prevents him from further progress, micro manages him to the point that he can't get normal work done for all the reporting and meetings he has to have with her. She tells him that he is not worth her time.
She has string him along with a kpi related bonus and after completing 90% of tasks has now told him he won't get a penny.
When he asked her to explain why she shouts at him, telling him that he is only interested in money and that she would rather he find a new job.
She has told him to never talk to her again about career progression or pay rises because she won't entertain it and told him today that she wished she hadn't given him his last pay rise.
She undermines him, takes his work off as her own and belittles him regulary.
She is firey and explosive and will shout and get in his face during meetings if she doesn't agree with what his suggestions are.
(He is in IT and is IT specialist, so makes suggestions which are the best solution, and she has no understanding of IT yet disagrees?!)

My DH has spoken to HR who have said that if he wants to he can raise a grievance.

My DH is now looking for alternative employment, but in such a specialised field it could take a while.

I can support him if he wants to quit now for the short term, but he doesn't want to do that.

He is so down and has started drinking a lot.
I worry about him.
I can't wait for him to get out of there.
I am so shocked and angry that a manager can be like this to a well respected employee.

It's a small team of 3 and in the 6 years he has worked there, she has done the same to 2 other people and eventually pushed them out of the business.

It always started off good, and as soon as she doesn't like something she switches and makes them her worst enemy.

I have given DH all the support I can think of.

Have shown him websites explaining this is bullying and suggesting things he can do, but its got to the point where he just doesn't want to mention work at all.

How can one person be so horrible?

I want to go round and out dog poo on her car door handles I'm so angry.

Its our first year of marriage and I completely feel that she has caused a distinct problem that is affecting us now.

Others have raised a grievance with he about her before and she talks and lies her way out of it and the MD supports her all the way.

HR know she is the issue though, but can't or won't so anything unless MD agrees (which he doesn't).

I just needed to get it off my chest. God only knows how my DH is feeling inside right now, as I'm not there and I feel torn apart.

If anyone has any helpful suggestions or any positive stories of people leaving these situations without anywhere to go, please say.

I would love him to quit, even if he ends up doing odd jobs and handy man stuff or fixing people's pc's to keep him going until he finds new employment.

Fiona24 Fri 17-May-13 20:16:47

First off - good for you for giving DH this level of support. It's going to help him a lot.

Random thoughts - re the feeling down and drinking - perhaps he should see the doctor. I've heard recently of GPs who are really good about this sort of thing - really sympathetic and can offer support. Perhaps DH doesn't want to sign off with stress (though that is real enough) but at least GP would know what's going on and be ready to step in. DH must take care of himself - his health is all important at a time like this.

Is DH in a professional association or a union - I'd make one of those one of my first ports of call, if I was in one.

He should raise a grievance but should be well prepared. Is he noting down incidents - doesn't have to write copious notes - just make a short note of each time boss is so insensitive/cruel/unprofessional.

Any meeting - he can take a companion in with him - a colleague/union rep/I think family member - but he should check.

NHS page about health implications of bullying and some good advise:

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/workplacehealth/Pages/bullyingatwork.aspx

And from ACAS - who he could also phone.

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=797

Good luck to you both.

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