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Being bullied at work - really bad now please help

(48 Posts)
NotYoMomma Tue 14-May-13 12:09:35

Hello there,

I'm pregnant and suffer from panic attacks and anxiety.

About 5 months ago a colleague who is the same level as me was reported for improper use of the computer. He has told people he thinks it was me who reported him (it wasn't, I do know who it was though but these things are anonymous)

Since then he talks down to me, makes me feel terrible, sits next to me all the time so he can coach me on how to do my job better (I was hitting targets all through this)
We had a disagreement once which I told my friend about and she mentioned t to him in February. It was just a passing comment, oh he said this and I said this...

Anyway we all got told any future issues to go to manager and not discuss amongst each other.

I did this but his treatment of me continued (always alone though so I couldn't do anything about it) and I got more anxious and upset all the time with him implying I was terrible at my job every week.

It came to a head last month when he really told me my ideas were wrong (they were only feedback suggestions) and that I was the only one to think like that and he would not include the idea in an upcoming meeting an if he had to would be sure to say I was the only one who wanted it. He also manipulated my idea so it sounded terrible (ie cutting out a lot of detail) and kept saying things like 'so you want an easy life?'and 'so you just want to do half our job?' And that Was NOT what I was trying to say at all.

Anyway, due to this escalating and our previous run in I spoke to my manager. I said I didn't want to complain officially but was concerned about the feedback (we are the same level after all) and about the way e speaks to me and belittles me and it knocks my confidence.

Boss said he is aware of the way colleague presents things but will have a word....

Anyway word must have been had as next thing I know colleague is standing at my desk, red in the face and raised voice pointing at me and shouting 'how could I do that to him🎋, he tried to help me all the time and I am disgusting and he is going to quit and it's all my fault and to never speak to him again.'

I was shocked and really intimidated and scared, he raised his hand at one point and was pointing in my face. I said ' I didn't appreciate the way he speaks to me and the way he lied about my feedback'

He told me if I had a problem to speak to our boss which I HAD done and to shut up and never speak I him again.

This was in front of a floor of about 100 people.

I had a panic attack and as I'm pregnant my anxiety skyrocketed and I was off for a few weeks

I raised a grievance and as there were witnesses he was found to be guilty. I had my seat moved away from him, he makes me so anxious and nervous and is not to speak to me again. They are taking action for aggressive, intimidating and threatening behaviour....

Anyway... I thought it was all over, I sit elsewhere and we don't speak and I was just getting back to hitting targets etc...

Now he has raised a grievance against me and due to policy I am now to be investigated. I'm waiting to hear of details about this but I feel sick all the time, I'm a bag of nerves, I can't sleep

I feel he has done this as it is the only way to continue to harass me and upset me. I'm really upset that HR can even entertain this given he was found guilty 2 weeks ago of such horrible behaviour to me.

I'm so upset, I'm scared of him and what might happen to me, I've not done anything wrong (I think it will relate to me telling my friend about our disagreement in February but no news yet) I feel like he has been bullying me since his initial telling of in January which was nothing to do with me.

I am scared hr won't do anything to help me and he will continue this vendetta

NotYoMomma Tue 14-May-13 19:16:22

I get told at the meeting, I thought I would get a brief overview in the email invite to the investigation but nothing.

I hope you don't mind me posting tomorrow but I'm a bit shaken by the whole thing.

DameFanny Tue 14-May-13 19:26:00

If you're only going to be told the allegation tomorrow, I think that you don't have to respond at that meeting. Maybe you should take the colleague in?

NatashaBee Tue 14-May-13 19:44:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claudedebussy Tue 14-May-13 19:49:47

i would take the colleague in so you have someone on your side.

i also would try not to get into anything tomorrow. you need to hear what his problem is and digest it and think of your response.

i don't know anything about how these things work though.

good luck.

Greydog Tue 14-May-13 20:17:54

This might be useful -
Also your workplace should have policies re bullying. Look them up. As this guy has made a complaint, no matter how frivolous - then HR will have to investigate. Sounds like tomorrow is just a fact find, so be calm, breathe deeply and take your time before you answer. If they ask a question answer it just to the point. (What day is it? Tuesday. Nothing else) Don't ramble. And if you feel stressed ask for a break for a drink and some fresh air. Good luck

BriansBrain Tue 14-May-13 22:45:34

I think You should have been informed at least 3 days prior to the meeting so you can arrange for a collegue or union rep to attend with you.

If you need more time you can reply and say you need more time and suggest a date for a few days time.

This meeting will be to inform you of the grievance, you will be given time to respond and musnt feel rushed into answering.

Make sure you log and diarise events which you think may help dispute his allegations and of course you can talk about what has happened recently, try to stay factual (easily said) you need to provide as much evidence as you can that his claim against you is false.

I would also take the opportunity to raise how this new grevience is adding to you anxiety and that his behaviour is having a direct moat on how you feel.

If I were you I wouldn't be attending any meeting tomorrow with such notice.

squawkparrot Wed 15-May-13 08:54:08

These investigatory meetings or meetings to establish the facts are often either deliberately misused or misunderstood. If they know the alleged wrongdoing and the person who has allegedly done the wrongdoing what is there to investigate? The only thing that they will be asking you for is your side of the story or if you like your defence. Asking you to set out your defence is a function of the disciplinary hearing. You will say that they are investigating a grievance. That's true but if the charge or wrongdoing is something that could resukt in either disciplinary or some othernnegative action taken against you then you'll have tge right to a companion at the hearing. The reality however is that HR will look at you as if you are mad. And sometimes its better to go down the investigatory hearing route for a couple of reasons. First you get to hear tge chargesagainst you. So you will be able to mount a better defence if it should evercome to a didisciplinary. And once the disciplinary process has been set in train some managers will find it difficult to justify nothing being done. As you suffering from stress and then this might be a good reason why HR could allow a companion. But like all things in work it is the employer who has the power. But at this stage I would be more relaxed about it. He's the one with previous. If he has raised the grievance in bad faith then he could find himself being disciplined or even dismissed.

kiwimumof2boys Wed 15-May-13 11:23:54

Good luck. Let us know how it goes OP.
What a horrible man this colleague is.

NotYoMomma Wed 15-May-13 12:31:54

He told them that one day six months ago I had went over to his desk and rubbed my breasts on him in a sexually inappropriate manner

I had a panic attack. I'm married with a baby and pregnant! I was totally mortified.

Luckily the witness he cited said t was ridiculous, he was bullying me so refused to be his witness as she could not recall anything of the sort ever happening.

I told then I was scared and intimidated by him and told them all the back story

It got dismissed within 5 minutes. People they asked (manager and senior ) all defended me as I am NOT like that at all, I'm pretty timid at work

Relieved its over but I can't believe it!!!

I am sort of glad it was so frivolous in a way because my manager and senior were both shocked at what he said and they both know now about the full history and the bullying.

I think a lot of people hadn't realised the extent of his behaviour but it all came out

Leverette Wed 15-May-13 13:48:02

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claudedebussy Wed 15-May-13 14:04:41


fucking hell. he's just made himself look utterly ridiculous.

well done for seeing it through. now hopefully management will be moving HIM onto another department.

Greydog Wed 15-May-13 14:06:51

Well done, Momma for keeping your cool. It's not easy. Management will, as claude says - do something.

lovefreelance Wed 15-May-13 14:08:50

Oh I really, really can't believe anyone would have the stupidity and gall to say something like that! And it just shows what a nasty idiot he is if he thought for a second anyone would believe it!!!! Lucky for you though he is that dumb because it was (rightfully) instantly dismissed.

Do you have anything to do with him at work at all now? If you even have to pass him in a corridor I would have a word with HR about what could be done to move him. There must be some consequence for him pulling a stint like that? To me it seems like bullying AND sexual harassment on his part.

NatashaBee Wed 15-May-13 14:40:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameFanny Wed 15-May-13 15:04:42


But well done you for getting through the meeting. I hope you're having a lovely, relaxing evening with your DH now to get over it all smile

NotYoMomma Wed 15-May-13 16:47:13

Well my manager was particularly helpful and knew how utterly sick and horrified I felt so just said I could come home. Also gives me a heads up that he is told it's going no further so I said quite honestly I was worn down and was weary of his reaction (with him shouting at me previously when things don't go his way) and said I probably wouldn't be in tomorrow but come back on Monday (I don't work Fridays) and just crack on and have faith in hr and the system.

I am so shocked he said that though, really really unfounded!

He really has shown his true colours to everyone though

NotYoMomma Wed 15-May-13 16:48:59

Thanks for the messages by the way smile

DH doesn't know this yet but his is buying me a curry tomorrow because tonight's tea is already sorted lol

lovefreelance Wed 15-May-13 16:53:43

I hope it does go further in the sense that some action is taken against him?

On another note - enjoy your few days off and recoup your mental strength smile

BriansBrain Wed 15-May-13 17:49:07

So glad to hear it was the most unbelievable grievance ever heard in a HR meeting.

What a cock

Enjoy your curry!

NotYoMomma Sun 19-May-13 21:06:43

Just a quick update:

going back to work tomorrow and feeling a lot stronger atm.

are still on the same team but he had a disciplinary meeting this week so I just have to wait and see what happens.and trust in hr and management until then. I think I should know.what's happening by Friday at the latest.

Did send an email to HR just to reiterate my humiliation and disgust as this grievance, noted all past incidents and requested that we not be on the same team anymore.

Put about the detrimental affect it has had.on me and the team and that I believe it was.totally malicious and just another example of his escalating behaviour against me and stated clearly that I am being bullied.

I had a phone call just to reassure me that it was being taken very seriously but there was.just an overlap where they had to follow correct procedure

I feel a bit.comforted by this and hope it gets sorted.

And before anyone asks, I did not get a curry but had lots.of hugs.

Loads of people have said how.proud they are of me and I'm feeling very proud atm too as I have a daughter and if.I let this defeat me what kind of example is that?

Determined face

DameFanny Sun 19-May-13 23:58:22

Good for you!

Leverette Mon 20-May-13 12:49:29

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Leverette Mon 20-May-13 12:49:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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