Not sure about annexe plans for MIL

[likely]

Mil is late 80's but in very good health. Fil died last year but she's coped really well.

We are looking to move and it has been suggested that we buy mil house and build her an annexe to live in.

I'm just not sure. I like mil, she's a kind and generous person, it's more dh. Every suggestion I have on the extension, or anything house related, he shuts me down - every suggestion is how it will affect mil. We have sold and will need to rent somewhere whilst bushing work is being done - family of 4 with pets. I suggested it would make more sense for mil to move in to SIL spare 2 bed flat and we live there to oversee - I'm a disgrace to even think, I'm selfish.

We will be paying for the annexe. I say if we are spending money see should gain extra space and build a downstairs bedroom too - no, mil wants to be upstairs so we will convert/lose a bedroom and bathroom for her - losing a bedroom for my kids and their bathroom (they are teens).

It doesn't feel like it will be my home at all...

[Lollypop701]

Honestly you need to nip this in the bud right now. Tell him if he wants a house, make all the decisions for his mum then he can have it. But you’ll be moving to another one. Is he usually like this or is this a recent behaviour change? Practically, what will happen if mil can’t manage stairs, comes to us all so best to to accommodate it now

[likely]

I agree about the stairs, it's ridiculous. Apparently because the room is the eaves we'd need to spend more money putting in a dormer window so she can sit and and views - never mind she's lived there for 30 years and has coped as is and is about 5ft so I can't see how the eaves bits matter either.

Tbh I don't think it's mil, she says she doesn't mind, just something small - it's dh, he's so over protective of her that the rest of us can go to shit. I'm happy to help out, but dh will be out at work all day, I work pt from home, kids will be at school/university. It will be me living there, in what will feel like not my home with a dh who isn't making me feel I count 🤔

[AcornAutumn]

Sorry, have I got this right

She'd have to climb a lot of stairs to access it?

It's bad idea regardless.

[likely]

Yes. We'd need to a new staircase in to allow access from the annexe. Yes she does stairs now but she's late 80's so for how long? So we'd be spending this money to just lose a bedroom and a bathroom meaning the teens wouldn't have an ensuite. I say if we are spending then we should gain, not lose. But apparently she wants a view - even though I'm proposing lovely views with bifold on to the garden for her....

He's just not listening, not comprising, when I feel
I'm sacrificing quite a bit to live with mil - no matter how nice she is. I'll be doing the day to day help when she needs it.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Tell your DH you won’t be doing the caring and ask how he will manage that.

[AcornAutumn]

@likely

Yes. We'd need to a new staircase in to allow access from the annexe. Yes she does stairs now but she's late 80's so for how long? So we'd be spending this money to just lose a bedroom and a bathroom meaning the teens wouldn't have an ensuite. I say if we are spending then we should gain, not lose. But apparently she wants a view - even though I'm proposing lovely views with bifold on to the garden for her....

He's just not listening, not comprising, when I feel
I'm sacrificing quite a bit to live with mil - no matter how nice she is. I'll be doing the day to day help when she needs it.

It's mad

Would she be mostly based downstairs?

I think it's probably easier to have a common sense chat with her and let her direct him!

[AbbieLexie]

No to the stairs for MIL Important she has her own space. DH needs brought to his senses.

[timeisnotaline]

I think you have to work out what decisions you can make. Is the house in both your names so you would need to agree to sell? In which case I would simply say everything you say about this house plan is for you and mil, not your children and wife. So I’m not moving. You can separate and find a house for you two if you want, but I’ll have nothing to do with a plan where your family seem irrelevant. Leave the room and go do something else. Stay calm, repeat things like if I’m not a partner in these decisions I’ll have no part in it, please stop telling me all the reasons you dont care about me. And exit the discussion. This is a choice you can make.
What idiot wants to put his ageing mother up stairs? She’d be in a home well before her time.

[Woodlandbelle]

I would agree with time
Just don't engage with this at all like this. It's going to be your forever home. Mother in law is very elderly.

[JackieWeaverFever]

That annexe plan is insane. Honestly mad. It will cost a fortune to build and undo (when she can't climb stairs)

You need a proper mediated discussion with your husband and if he wont listen I'd be going for a second session to discuss splitting assets so he can live with his beloved mother on his own.

[Eekay]

Don't do this. My mother agreed, out of a sense of duty, to building an annexe for her MIL.
MIL was widowed at only 70ish. She was there for 20 yrs, the first few were ok, as MIL was a nice woman, and kept considerate boundaries.
However, as she aged, she became querulous, confused, unwell, and ultimately extremely demanding with increasingly worrying and dangerous behaviour.
My mother had to deal with this. For years.
My mother's husband was very hands on when home, but was away a lot for work, so essentially all the practical support and assistance, and decision making fell to my mother.
MIL then became resentful and paranoid. It was hurtful and infuriating for my mother.
Eventually in her mid 90s, MIL went into supported accommodation when her dementia was diagnosed and the situation was untenable.
It really had a terrible effect on my mother's emotional and physical well being. She was tied to her MIL's care for so long. Knocked the stuffing out of her for some time (and my mother was a very strong, tough woman).
Also, the house was hard to sell after all this, as many people didn't want a house with a self contained annexe added on.
So that's my cautionary tale.

[likely]

Thanks everyone.

We have sold already so it's going through no matter. I do want to move but I want a home for all of us. Architect of tomorrow so time is running out for us to actually agree on what we want. I have this morning suggested that if mil wants to stay upstairs, then she should stay in her own room as is, we can move into the annexe and build new stairs for kids. The annexe will be lovely, i don't care about having an upstairs bedroom/bathroom, and at least it will feel like mine. He pulled a face and said he didn't have time to think about it now...

My priorities are having a family home that my teens want to come home to, have friends over, be able to relax in. I'm happy to have mil, she can come in whenever she wants, have dinner with us whenever. I will take her to appointments, help her however I can, I'm just not playing second fiddle and having dh say that I'm selfish for putting mine and kids wants/needs as a priority.

[KihoBebiluPute]

This whole plan is a terrible idea. Really, don't do it. Find a completely different house to buy, that can be your family home and feel like yours. This is the only thing that will save your marriage so if DH won't agree to it you will need to do it anyway sooner or later just without him.

Meanwhile the plan to convert a segment of MiL's house to make smaller living accommodation for her is not a bad one. It's only the part whether the remaining bit of house left over is supposed to be your home that is awful. The plan should be to make her segment completely self-contained and a totally separate dwelling rather than an 'annex' as such. It can be designed assuming that mobility issues will emerge over the next decade so make sure the stairs are compatible with installation of a stair lift and all the rooms are laid out with space that they can be navigated with a walking frame or wheel chair. Once this is done the other section of the house can be sold but not to you, if the proceeds would be needed to pay for that work to have been done. Or if MiL has the funds to pay for the work without selling the other half she could rent the other half out (via an agent as she won't want the hassle of actually dealing with tenants) to give her an ongoing income.

[JackieWeaverFever]

Your proposal is just a weird tbh(it sounds like it's coming from a place of desperation/frustration but it is not a proper solution.)

How is your marriage generally?

[likely]

@KihoBebiluPute

This whole plan is a terrible idea. Really, don't do it. Find a completely different house to buy, that can be your family home and feel like yours. This is the only thing that will save your marriage so if DH won't agree to it you will need to do it anyway sooner or later just without him.

Meanwhile the plan to convert a segment of MiL's house to make smaller living accommodation for her is not a bad one. It's only the part whether the remaining bit of house left over is supposed to be your home that is awful. The plan should be to make her segment completely self-contained and a totally separate dwelling rather than an 'annex' as such. It can be designed assuming that mobility issues will emerge over the next decade so make sure the stairs are compatible with installation of a stair lift and all the rooms are laid out with space that they can be navigated with a walking frame or wheel chair. Once this is done the other section of the house can be sold but not to you, if the proceeds would be needed to pay for that work to have been done. Or if MiL has the funds to pay for the work without selling the other half she could rent the other half out (via an agent as she won't want the hassle of actually dealing with tenants) to give her an ongoing income.

In lots of ways the remaining house would work for us, it's just getting dh to think about us and but just mil.

If we don't buy it and move in, mil would just start as she is. She's just finding the upkeep harder, it's quite rural so no shop to walk to, she's a bit deaf and so security is an issue - you can go in and wander around calling for her and she doesn't hear! I get that dh would like to be around for her. I'm just feeling frustrated that he's not listening to what I it the kids want.

We will be taking out a mortgage for the conversion of double garage and extension. He seems to want to spend it all on something impractical and we will live in a house that hasn't been decorated for 30 years 🤔 In contrast, the conversion and extension will be lovely....

[JackieWeaverFever]

Your current situation isnt 100% clear.
Can I clarify if i understand correctly

-Mil already lives with you

• Mil has little / no funds so you are footing the bill.

-you have sold your current home (ie past exchange)

• you are now in rented????
• you have exchanged on the new home??? (or have you???)

-You are meeting the architect tomorrow to draw up plans. ask for their advice/recommendation on the idiotic design

[likely]

@JackieWeaverFever

Your proposal is just a weird tbh(it sounds like it's coming from a place of desperation/frustration but it is not a proper solution.)

How is your marriage generally?

I am frustrated but I genuinely don't need a large place to live, it's more important for me to be comfortable and my kids to be happy. The annexe would consist of double garage with decent extension. This way at least my kids would gain the rooms they want with an ensuite to share.

Marriage is fine I guess, generally dh is happy doing his own thing and I make the decisions and get on with everything that isn't work related. We run our own business but really it's just dh with me doing a bit of paperwork.

[BeyondMyWits]

Don't do it. My mum did, with her MIL, and ended up a widow at 56 with a cantankerous old MIL slowly going down the vascular dementia pathway, unable to get her to move out as she owned part of the house.

Get any legal stuff iron clad. Think about the whatifs.... inability to climb stairs, dementia, divorce, bereavement, what plans are in place for the future.

[likely]

@JackieWeaverFever

Your current situation isnt 100% clear.
Can I clarify if i understand correctly

-Mil already lives with you

• Mil has little / no funds so you are footing the bill.

-you have sold your current home (ie past exchange)

• you are now in rented????
• you have exchanged on the new home??? (or have you???)

-You are meeting the architect tomorrow to draw up plans. ask for their advice/recommendation on the idiotic design

Apologies.

We have accepted an offer last week so not past exchange yet. We will go into rented and either buy or convert mil house. Architect is looking at mil house tomorrow to discuss. We did this last summer but then fil died and so wasn't right time.

Mil lives on her own now fil passed away. We will be buying the house (a reduced price) and paying for the extension - this was the suggestion of family solicitor. No worries over long term care as mil will have lots in the bank from our purchase plus money she already has.

In theory it's fine, mil says she wants to go into a home when time is needed but would like to start in her village for as long as possible. This would enable her to stay longer. We need a home and hers in in the right location for us.

[JackieWeaverFever]

Wow that is great news.
You have not committed financially to anything yet so you have a lot of choice still.

My opinion is this is a hot mess.
I would not budge an inch or sign anything until you are 100% happy with the plan.

You and your husband need to get on the same page and he needs to understand you are serious.

[CraftyYankee]

Has your DH always put his mother's well being as top priority?

[Mosaic123]

There could be a proper lift for her. No need for chairs.

[likely]

@CraftyYankee

Has your DH always put his mother's well being as top priority?

No not really, but she's recently widowed and I get his sentiment. She's been really good to us, I want to do what I can fit her too, just not at the expense of everyone else! Thing is, she's not demanding herself, she would be upset to know the upset this is causing. She too would put the grandchildren before herself. Unfortunately she's been asked for a wish list and has no thoughts of actually how it will work. She loves her garden so I'm thinking lovely bi-folds or French doors from living space and bedroom. But because she loves her garden, c she has thought she'd like to sit in her bedroom to read and get views (so upstairs) it's just not practical in terms of her aging, the space we would lose, and the cost of making it work would impact on other things. She won't have thought this though because dh has just asked for a wish list!

[likely]

@Mosaic123

There could be a proper lift for her. No need for chairs.

This is true, but we would still lose a bedroom and a bathroom 😓 If the costs are similar, I'd rather add than take away. If we could go up in the loft for the kids then maybe this will work. I really just want them taken care of. It's so important to me.

[Soontobe60]

Who will be living in the house? (and ages of children). How many bedrooms / bathrooms will there be once the extension has been done?