Mum challenges and Father unwell

[jhehu]

I wasn't even sure if I would post this. But just felt I needed to write down my thoughts and perhaps it would make me feel better. Really long history with a mother and a sister who really have broken me. I have tried so hard to keep a relationship going and I know now its not ever going to change. Fast forward the past two years with my father in a nursing home and is now at end of life stage. The past few weeks have been hard of course watching him slip further and further away and my mother is thriving off it. Oh even when I write that I feel dreadful. She barely visited him when he was in home and had nothing but negative things to say about him for years. He of course enabled her behaviour towards me and my brothers because I honestly think he was afraid of her and my sister who has similar traits who always without fail stands up for my mum. Anyway what I meant re. thriving is that she is enjoying all the attention she is getting from neighbours, relations ringing her etc and she has given everyone the worst scenario going about my father. Now I understand everyone has different ways of dealing with trauma, grief, pain etc . But I just feel today she is literally hoping he will pass away and more attention on her. My sister also is very unemotional about the whole thing and I know I shouldn't judge but they both are making comments about my behaviour being dramatic calling to nhome every day and ringing them. I know when my beloved fil passed away last year it was of great comfort to me and my husband that we were there with him the last few weeks and made him comfortable. There is no obvious love being shown when they are there with him. I know this sounds so petty but it really upset me, I put on music for him yesterday as he loved his orchestra group he was in and he loves classical music, when I rang last night the nurse told me that my Mother said don't be playing him the music. Then to top it off the manager of the nhome called me today saying had we as a family made any arrangements for his passing. Heres the thing my mother would never let us in on any plans. So I took the courage - imagine noting courage when your a grown women with your own family - Anyway I asked her what should we do when he passes, she told me not to worry she had it sorted and that he would be cremated. No discussion and it was her decision. I know well I suppose I don't know but my father would have attended all his friends funerals and would have gone to the burial so cremation would never have been in his mind and he always mentioned he wanted certain flowers on his grave. So I don't want to rock the boat here but I feel this is really the last straw with her constant control. Oh I just don't know. I feel like once my father does pass that I really need to step away from my mother and sister as I just amn't myself around them and I know I just need to let go and move on. Thanks for listening.

[BunnyRuddington]

She sounds very much like my "D"M. We decided to let her have the funeral she wanted.

I totally get the "thriving on all of the attention thing" too. My Mum was just the same. Would spend hours talking to neighbours and friends whilst he lay dying in another room with me and my DSis providing the care.

So sorry that your Sister isn't supporting you in anyway. Me and my DSis weren't always that close but when we were looking after DF we realised that Mum had been playing us of against each other for years.

Hope you get to spend some tike with your DF

[DogsSausages]

Sorry you are in this difficult situation, you can put the music on when you visit, the nurse doesnt need your mum permission or to tell her. Just turn it off when you leave and the staff can out it on if they know he enjoys it. His careplan should reflect his likes and what brings him comfort, he should also have an end of life careplan in place, is he able to talk now and communicate with the staff. With his funeral, let her organise it, you can plant his favourite flowers in a place that is private and special to you and him and also take those to his funeral. Try not to let them upset you, it's not worth it, if neighbours and relatives pander to her just let them, your dear dad is in your heart and he will always know that.

[Hidinginstaircupboard]

The nursing home staff will have spotted who in the family shows love and kindness from the family, to your Dad.
Please continue what you're doing, it's helping him (& you), I'm assuming you're one of his nominated visitors, as he's end of life there's unlikely to be many restrictions on you visiting. You can play what music dad enjoys , that's a lovely thing to do and he'll probably find your voice talking to him about your day or memories, comforting too

Unfortunately you can't do anything about funeral arrangements as Mum is his NOK who has said she will do it, but if she lets you , you could try to gently add in touches you know he'd want. There's nothing to stop you doing his favourite flowers in your display or planting some for him in tribute

[jhehu]

Hello again, I am popping back in today as I do need to hear the advise I know myself I would give, to someone else.

My Dad passed away and although I was dreading it, he passed away peacefully. Fast forward a month now and I am really struggling to deal with my mother. She has made it very clear to me that she is upset with her children for their lack of support to her and all the things she did for us as children. Last week she noted all of this to me and continued to make me feel like a little kid again not being able to answer or stand up for myself. I am really hurt because its clear she doesn't see anything wrong in her behaviour and that I cannot tell her lies to make her feel good. But I also realised that no matter what I do and give her, it is all about her and she won't change. I have continued to visit her each week to make sure she is ok and if I was honest with myself because I feel guilty if I don't. I organised things during the funeral - the bits I was let and of course did the difficult stuff left to me such as get my Dads bits and pieces at the nhome, pay bills, deal with relations etc.Writing all of this I realise she was clever enough she had me do the Dad stuff while she played the grieving widow. She won't make any effort with her kids or grandkids and I know I just need to break away once and for all. Or at least change the dynamics of the relationship. She told me no one asks her how she is or what we can do to help her. Yet I know we do and interestingly she hasn't asked any of her kids or grandkids how they are since Dad passed away? I know even writing this down what I should do, but I feel torn with her living on her own and I should check in on her but then the other side of me knows she is playing games with me and manipulating me. I feel such a fool for being her verbal punchbag and I know its me that needs to change. Thanks for listening.

[stuntfarter]

My heart goes to you @jhehu your grieving and she still wants attention . Obviously she's grieving in her own way but manipulating you at the same time , if your sister is in contact with her I would step back much more and let your sister step up
If she repeated her actions of telling you that she isn't being supported you need to say something along the lines of yes mum I'm here right now supporting you , but remember I'm grieving too and need sone support as well
I'm sorry for your loss

[farnworth]

You need to put your own mental health, and the needs of your own little family, first - and to take time and space to grieve. You mention neighbours, relations, other siblings - your mum has clearly lots of different people to support her. Step back. Do not feel guilty. Look after yourself.

[farnworth]

Sorry, I posted too soon.

My thoughts and sympathy. Today will feel like a hard day. Listen maybe to the music he loved. Try and think of some happy memories. Spend time with those you love, those you know who love you and truly care for you as person.

[jhehu]

Thank you all so much. I feel so much better reading those posts. Time to actually spend time with my own family and step back from the toxic environment that has taken up too much of my own mental wellbeing and my lovely families. Thank you all again. Have a nice day to you all and if you too are missing loved ones today take care