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[Stressedandworried243]

I don’t think I’m handling this well at all.

I was widowed 10 years ago. Husband an only child, as are his parents. Only family are my two children - now 22 and 23.

PIL always critical of me (and judgemental of others). MIL blamed me for my husband’s death from cancer - saying the fact he’d been looking after me after a hysterectomy and went shopping for my birthday presents in John Lewis was the cause.

Complained about support I received from his colleagues during that time (financial advice - they said it was inappropriate as Husband wasn’t dead yet).

Told me to get in the back of the funeral cars.

Said it was a pity husband had died so young as he would have “curbed my worst excesses” when bringing up my children.

The list is endless.

Fast forward to now. They’re both frail. He is 90, she is 87. We see them not infrequently - live about 30 minutes away; I was determined to maintain a relationship with them for my children’s sake.

Whilst I have been aware of their increasing frailties there has never been anything to ring alarm bells, until recently.

FIL fell recently and broke his arm and cracked head open. Was discharged on the same day. Was readmitted to hospital the same day - seems MIL put him to bed in an arm chair (he uses a “wheelie” type Zimmer frame, but couldn’t with his broken arm). He got up in the night to go to the loo and fell again.

Notwithstanding this, he was discharged home the following day. We immediately went to visit - just as paramedics dropped him off - was just slumped in chair. I asked how was he going to go to bed - MIL said he’d sleep on the armchair....... I ended up calling 999 out of desperation. He was put to bed and the crisis team came out overnight and over the weekend - two visits a day.

MIL remained in denial, said she could cope, when Rapid Referral team attended. I asked her to show the RRT how she coped lifting him etc - but she said she was too tired & refused to do so.

I’ve discovered FIL is incontinent - MIL has been buying Tena lady for him in Tesco and putting an extra panty liner in - then complains the bed is wet the next day.

Fortunately they referred FIL to respite/rehab care - NHS provision - and thus far I am as pleased as I can be with the care he’s receiving.

My problem now is what do I do going forward.

Money is not a problem, so paying for care will not be an issue.

MIL frequently says she’s too tired to visit him in Rehab. I took her on Saturday - she walks fine with a stick, but asked me to push her in some random wheelchair which had been abandoned in a corridor - it was like pushing a supermarket trolley on speed!!

I’ve been through their diary sorting out ongoing medical issues - rearranging appointments to Rehab clinic etc. She can’t do it as she’s tired.

Fortunately they’ve agreed to getting a POA - so fingers crossed that all goes ahead.

I’ve organised care for her twice a day - while she’s accepting this help she’s ungrateful - complains about how the Carer does the ironing for example.

I could go on - but I realise how long this is already.

Given their past behaviour I feel like walking away - even now I feel I’m being treated like the hired help. I never get so much as a thank you from her. I didn’t have to deal with these issues with my own parents as they died young.

I’m snapping at my children as a result too which is unfair on them. Plus, I don’t think it fair that they should have this burden at their age when they have all their lives ahead of them.

I now feel selfish that I’m not doing my best by all concerned.

I don’t know what I’m asking for here - just needed a safe space in which to vent. If you got this far then thank you for listening.

[JoanieCash]

You’re doing a remarkable thing. Caring for elderly relatives who are grateful is gut bustingly hard, so for ungrateful in-laws must be so tough.
I suppose you need to decide how you’ll feel if you walk away- will you hold any guilt, loyalty to your DH, wanting kids to know you did all you could for their father’s family etc? Based on your OP I suspect your personality is not to walk away (you’d have done it years ago).

Could you arrange some respite care for you/her? Couple of weeks somewhere? Does she have a church community where volunteers might look in on her? Sorry I have no proper advice.

[Stressedandworried243]

Thank you for replying so late! That's part of the problem - they don't really mix with people. They moved to a retirement village a couple of years ago, but MIL won't get involved with the activities put on there (too much effort/not their thing). Consequently they haven't made that many friends. Even my own friends have said to me "does she ever smile?" Or, "it wouldn't harm her to smile, would it?" It alienates people.

One lady has been very kind to them since they've lived there. PIL said today that he wondered how she put up with her husband as he was totally lacking in character and couldn't hold a conversation. Why she was with him he just didn't know. This man walks with a frame and looks to me as though he's had a stroke. I could have cried.

On another occasion they were discussing a new resident, a widow. FIL described her as "worldly" as she'd been married before. MIL revealed that the word was that second husband had funded her apartment (heaven forbid spouses should take steps to protect each other in the event of one dying). She went on to say that his son's would be wishing her dead so they could get their hands on their inheritance......." Nice for me to hear as a widow!

I think I'm going to have to bite my lip until we get the POA - as if we don't we could be in a right mess!!

[alexdgr8]

it was wrong of the hosp to discharge an elderly trauma patient without checking the home situation.
they should have involved hosp social worker and occupational therapist to assess how he would manage at home, what help support he had, whether any equipment or alterations were needed.
to have done this twice, assuming same hosp, would justify a formal complaint, I'd say.
I guess you are the person who will have the POA. that means you will have to continue being involved with them.
have they now had an assessment. don't let them discharge from rehab without a proper plan being in place. I guess you are NOK.
some places organise care workers to come in for a period, after a fall. this is arranged and paid for by the health service.
after he way they have sent him home, twice to an unsafe situation, I think it is the least they can do, and you should press for it.
it's not just about the cost. you want as much official input as poss, so that they are aware of the situation.
there should be an urgent referral to the continence service. do not let him be discharged without this. and OT assessment.
good luck. maybe look up local sources of support. carers' centre can often be good. might be called princess royal. look them up.

[Stressedandworried243]

I agree with you re hospital discharging him without a care plan. Having witnessed my in-laws in action, however, I can see that they will possibly have contributed to this situation by masking the true extent of their needs. MIL told the RRT that FIL managed on his wheelie to shower etc - and it was only when I asked him to demonstrate this (and he couldn't) and I asked her to show how she assisted him (and she wouldn't/couldn't) that RRT realised they had a problem and steps were taken to get him into rehab. The RRT asked (told?) me to fill in a form all day for 7 days which monitored his urine output on a daily basis - fill in the grey box for bed wetting/wetting himself, white box for when he used the loo/urinal and how much he passed etc - I refused - pointing out I didn't live there. They then asked MIL to fill in form for him - she looked blank - I asked her to repeat what she'd just been told to do and she couldn't (wouldn't?).

In November FIL was in hospital with pneumonia. When I went to visit, taking MIL, she told me hospital had phoned up re discharge and that she'd said he manages perfectly well with his wheelie.

Now we are in the present situation I make sure I'm there for scheduled appointments and visits to nip any suggestion they can remain independent in the bud. But it is a strain.

In-laws, in particular MIL, is almost behaving like a truculent toddler - has anyone else experienced this?

But yes, appalling that vulnerable people are discharged without proper care plans in place. I cannot believe he was left in an armchair by the paramedics after most recent discharge from hospital - which, of course, only led to me dialling 999 on a Saturday afternoon and the rest is history. Thank you.

[Rinsefirst]

They sound awful, even when they were well.
The fact that they are in a retirement village will mean Social services local to them will be experienced in dealing with those without 'close' relatives. I'd be very clear that you are NOT local and not close.
While they both have capacity, the hurtful and spiteful things will crank up a gear and there's a good chance they will talk like they have no filter. They will undoubtedly be frightened and worried. However, old habits die hard and so if they blamed you before, there's a good chance that their miseries will be your fault again.
In your shoes I would undertake to do one major task. Visit care homes in your area and find the best one that you can for their budget and put their names down. Then when the time comes that they can no longer cope, you know in your heart that you found them the best place in the area.

[Stressedandworried243]

Thank you. You've read my mind. Shall get the POA and I have also thought the same re care homes. I'm happy to drive around local care homes and find one which will best suit his needs upon discharge and advise MIL accordingly. Have spoken to his GP today re a prostate cancer jab he needs and GP agrees with me that long term FIL needs residential care. Have informed GP that MIL is not able to cope, is in denial and is failing to engage.

Hey, there's no such thing as GDPR when it comes to dealing with the elder lies, is there?!

Oh, and thank heavens for this Section on Mumsnet, I've already learned a lot and feel less alone!

[Rinsefirst]

GDPR will bite you ferociously on the hand when you least want it to ...
Sometimes the shiniest care homes are not always the best.
If you have a choice - try to get one which is a taxi ride for MIL to visit by herself. Also look for one where you like the staff are twinkly and the atmosphere is positive.

[CMOTDibbler]

Much as your MIL sounds like an unpleasant person from the past, I wonder if what is happening right now is that she is masking early dementia with avoidant behaviour. In my mums earlier stages she would find any excuse or way to talk around things she'd forgotten or could no longer do, and everything was someone elses fault. If their GP is nice, then have a chat with them and see if they can maybe get her in for a 'health check' and do an assessment

[Stressedandworried243]

@CMOTDibbler - Yes, I shall certainly suggest a health check - it'll be most useful especially as social services will become involved when the time comes for PIL to be discharged.

@Rinsefirst - I had heard that about care homes, and yes, it'll have to be a shortish taxi ride away from where MIL lives. I don't think I will be able to make the final decision, but I can at least narrow down the options to take MIL to visit!

Many thanks for your advice