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Elderly parents

Dad is very poorly

25 replies

st43 · 19/12/2019 22:45

My Dad is 79 his health has declined dramatically in the last 9 months.

He's now in a care home only 10min from me so I visit everyday. He is quite unwell now, his chest has been full of fluid for the past month or so. He's drowning, it's awful to see. He's extremely weak, barley eating or drinking now. Skin and bone. He's had 3 courses of different antibiotics in the last 4 weeks and 1 week of water tablets which didn't help. I think the infection has mostly gone now but the fluid remains. His heart isn't working properly and causing the build up of fluid, he looks at me desperately telling me he can't breathe. His fingers are white and purple and cold. His feet the same. He has an ulcer on his ankle which is down to the bone. Now a sore has started on his bum, he now has an air bed and cream. I don't know how I can help him. I don't know how to react to him when he says his luck has run out. I'm really trying to stay strong for him but it's tearing me apart. I'm keeping my phone in sight in case I get the call.

I've posted this for support really because I don't have anyone around to talk to about this.

OP posts:

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KellyHall · 19/12/2019 22:51

Well done, you're providing great support just by being there regularly. All humans do better with structure and someone to rely on. It must be incredibly hard for you so I applaud you for persevering when many people would just have the 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality.
What do you talk to him about? Could you write down nice memories about your lives together, or anything he's told you about his youth and read them to him when you visit?
What support do you have in the real world?

FinallyHere · 19/12/2019 22:51

Oh that is a tough billet you have there @st43. Have a handhold and 💐

st43 · 19/12/2019 23:15

He's very deaf so communication has been difficult for sometime. He's lost interest in most things now. He loves seeing my children but they get bored and restless.

OP posts:

KellyHall · 19/12/2019 23:35

Photos to look at? Videos to watch? Did he used to watch anything on tv you could take in?

Rinsefirst · 20/12/2019 12:43

Can you FaceTime relatives while you are at his bed side and let him see their faces in their own homes?
Not the same I know, but my mum has dementia and is deaf but she lights up at a facetime call with the dog where she sees him in his bed.
She just likes watching him. Same with your children. Maybe you could facetme them for 5 mins so they don't physically have to go.

st43 · 20/12/2019 20:36

Further deterioration today. He looks so lost in his eyes. I'm really struggling to keep it together. I've asked many times if he's in pain, he always indicates no. I can't help thinking if he was he'd be given something strong which would take him out of the situation. He doesn't deserve to struggle like this.

OP posts:

st43 · 21/12/2019 19:32

He passed peacefully this afternoon.

OP posts:

SpaghettiSharon · 21/12/2019 19:34

So sorry for your loss x

We’re in exactly the same situation and waiting for the end. It’s so hard isn’t it?

I hope you find a way to remember the good times now x

helpfulperson · 21/12/2019 19:34

I'm sorry to hear that. His final days would have been enhanced by the care you gave him.

beanaseireann · 21/12/2019 19:39

Nay he rest in peace OP.
He was lucky to have a daughter who cared about him as you did.
Not all are so fortunate at the end of their days.

Neolara · 21/12/2019 19:42

So very sorry for your Lisa.

Neolara · 21/12/2019 19:42

Loss, not Lisa. Sorry.

SheSnapsThenSheFarts · 21/12/2019 19:45

Sorry to hear he's passed, I know how hard it is. Sending you strength.

SingingSands · 21/12/2019 19:46

sending you peace and love. I'm so sorry.

Roselilly36 · 21/12/2019 19:50

So sorry for you loss, you sound a lovely supportive daughter, you were there for you Dad.

You now need to look after you. Please get some support in RL, your GP should be able to guide you.

st43 · 21/12/2019 20:21

I'm in bits, there's no way to describe how I feel. I'm lost.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 21/12/2019 20:26

So very sorry for your lost. My mum died in March in similar circumstances. Comfort yourself by knowing that you did the best you could for him and he knew how much he was loved.

Fairylea · 21/12/2019 20:26

*loss

Weepingwillows12 · 21/12/2019 20:28

I am so sorry for your loss. It's so hard but you did what you could. Sometimes there is nothing you can do and it sounds like you did everything you could and were there for him. Take care of yourself now as best you can. Do you have someone with you to look after you?

notthemum · 21/12/2019 20:32

Sorry for your loss. You did your best for him. He knew you loved him and he now has peace. 💐

Rinsefirst · 21/12/2019 23:00

So sorry. You absolutely were trying to help him right to the end and he would absolutely know.

rainbowruthie · 21/12/2019 23:16

Sending kindest thoughts to you

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FinallyHere · 22/12/2019 01:11

So bc sorry for your loss.

DramaAlpaca · 22/12/2019 01:12

I'm so sorry for your loss

Back21970 · 22/12/2019 01:18

So sorry to hear this, lost my Dad 8 years ago and still tear up when I think of those last few painful days, so know what you've been going through. Horrible at any time of year but around Christmas especially bad. Wishing you lots of love, Take care X

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