Son needs advice for a lonely mother

[GJ20]

Hi, my mum is struggling recently and is saying she feels completely fed up, lonely and depressed. I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions for her because I’m a bit lost with what advice to give her. The usual “get out more” is easier said than done really.

She is 61, with 3 sons who she adores but we are all in our late 20s/30s and can be busy with our own lives. I live in London away from home and with a busy job and am often travelling. My two brothers are still in my hometown but have partners. We lost my Dad nearly 10 years which was really devastating and she has never really got over it.

She has friends but she feels like they also have busy lives. Her friends are all grandparents and can be busy looking after the grandchildren, but my mum doesn’t have any.

She has tried a dancing group but thought it was full of creepy men and she has a walking friend but says she’s boring. She is happiest when she’s with one of her sons.

I could text her more, but we chat several times a week. We go on holiday with her, and I go home to see her or she comes to London quite frequently but theres only so much we can do.

Any words of advice or suggestions I can pass on would be greatly appreciated, as its a horrible feeling being far away knowing that she isn’t happy.

[CrotchetyQuaver]

61 is so young! Harsh I know but she needs to make a life for herself rather than stifle your lives.

[FanSpamTastic]

Suggest she look into U3A.

She might have to try a few different things before she finds something that works for her.

[granadagirl]

You don’t say if she work?
Perhaps if she doesn’t a small Part time job just a few hours?

Would she volunteer? There’s lots of different things she may be interested in doing
What about a class, painting, yoga, Pilates, age concern have few things going on

[GrumpyHoonMain]

How often do your brothers see her? Having partners is not a valid excuse to never see her if they’re living in the same town!

[GJ20]

Thanks guys

She works 2/3 days a week as a receptionist. One of my brothers still lives at home, but the other one could see her more. It may seem surprising, as she doesn't even live alone but my brother works full time and also sees his girlfriend.
She goes to a Pilates class, walks the dogs with other people and it seems to us like she is actually keeping herself quite busy but it doesn't seem to lift her mood.

@CrotchetyQuaver I understand what you mean about being young and shouldn't stifling our lives, but she totally accepts we have our own lives and even encourages us to go out and do things. But she seems to be having a bad period

Perhaps its more of a clinical type of depression and she should see a doctor?

[AcrossthePond55]

I think she should see her doctor. My dad had a degenerative neuro condition and when he got really ill my normally cheerful mum became so depressed. She went on anti-Ds and the change was remarkable. It took a few weeks to really work but she felt so much better.

When Dad died, Mum continued her tablets. She also got more involved with her church and formed a social group with some other widows (all retired). They were determined to stay active and not isolate themselves. They also determined that they would not rely on their children as their main social outlet. They played cards weekly, volunteered at a soup kitchen, and took day trips to different locations. They were also there for each other in those moments when tea and sympathy was needed, as each of them had walked the same path.

[dreichsky]

I think seeing a GP might be a good place to start.
She actually seems to have a pretty busy life and has people around her who care for her.
So if she has low mood she may need some more medical or therapeutic support.

[Weenurse]

My FIL is looking into inter generational play groups.
All of his friends have died and he is lonely.
We watched a series called ‘ the old folks home for 4 year olds’ and he loved it.
Could she volunteer somewhere?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Perhaps its more of a clinical type of depression and she should see a doctor? Yes, that was my immediate thought when I started reading your update. She's doing the right things, but it's not helping.

[BagpussAteMyHomework]

Have you considered that she might not want her son living at home? It might be stifling her as she’s not able to fully move on from being a mum.

[BagpussAteMyHomework]

I actually think the fact that you’ve posted in ‘elderly parents’ says a lot. This is your mindset, not hers.

At 61 my mum was newly married and travelling the world.

It’s not old - though it seems old to you because you are young. She has a few years yet before she even reaches retirement.

[littlebillie]

I agree U3A and the WI are good places to find new friends. Also volunteers are needed in every sector of charities.

[GJ20]

Thanks guy, I’ll bare those suggestions in mind. Perhaps I’ll suggest seeing a doctor

@BagpussAteMyHomework I see your point about my brother still living home. Her tendency to feel lonely is probably stopping him from moving out, and the thought of her living completely alone would be worrying.
I don’t see your point about our mindset though, we don’t see her as elderly but from what I could see the other threads were more about mothering their kids rather than older parents. If there’s a more suitable thread let me know as it might be good to read.

[AnnaMagnani]

I would also suggest U3A, WI and craft groups esp knitting. She may be one of the youngest there but it will set her up for the next 20 years.

Volunteering as well, as she is young! At that age my parents were very busy - my DM was running a Mums and Toddlers group despite previously having shown no interest in toddlers for her whole life, including when I was a toddler

My DM never got any grandchildren but this way she has managed to be adopted as a grannie numerous times and it has made the world of difference to her mood.

She's quite frail now but is still busy being an adopted granny to a family in her street who are non-UK - she takes them out for picnics/days out/show them round England and in return she gets to granny. It has worked brilliantly for both sides. My DM is v prone to depression and this helps her so much.

[SurpriseSparDay]

Hmm ... It’s true 61 is hardly ‘elderly’.

Being over 60 does prevent her being eligible for a Government Postgraduate Loan (if she doesn’t already have one), but I‘d still say that, if it were financially viable, starting a challenging university course (academic or otherwise) could be a great booster of interest in life.

She really needs something in which she can be fully absorbed mentally and physically, preferably amongst like minded people.

[drankthekoolaid]

It's lovely that you care but honestly, she's 61 with no health needs, she works and honestly her loneliness is her problem not yours. If she wants to get out more it's on her.

[granadagirl]

You sound a lovely caring son
From what you’ve written about your mum
Working, Pilates, dog walking etc,
I think probably she maybe is lonely
Yes she works with people, but there work colleagues (not friends) married, young children not someone she meets up with for a meal, drinks
Day breaks.
It’s ok in the daytime, you can pass yourself off doing things
It’s when you close your door and your home alone. You don’t having to be constantly chatting with someone in the room, it’s the fact there’s someone there if you want.
She’s probably fed up off coming home and no one there to actually be around

Also depends what your mum& dad we’re like previously
When the both finished work for the day
Did they do things together outside off the house sometimes, always separate
Did she have her own circle off friends to go out with?
Is that her thing? Or did she like staying in at home pottering

Maybe she as to instigate things
Like asking friend for meal or a day out shopping cinema
Depends how close/friendly she is with them.
Do you know if she as any single friends?

[BagpussAteMyHomework]

I appreciate what you are saying about no other obvious alternative place to post your question but I hope you get my point.

In my experience mother’s want their kids to be happy and in a happy setup of their own. I love my boys to pieces and they are lovely company, helpful etc but as they get older I don’t really want to live with them anymore. In six years I’ll be 61 and I sincerely hope they will all be in their own homes by then. Then we can enjoy the next stage of our relationship.

Try not to worry too much about the loneliness if your brother moves out. Your mother will be lonely but you can’t stop that. However she’ll be free to find her own solutions and may well be happier that she’s done her ‘job’ as a mum and can get on with her own stuff.

It sounds like you are a very caring son and it does you credit but I’m just putting another perspective.