Mum in care home and kids visiting

[mumontherun14]

Hi. Looking for a bit of advice. My mum is in a care home with advanced stage Alzhiemers. She fell at home in February down the stairs and hurt her head and needs 24hr care & supervision. She was in hospital for a month then moved to a care home which is really nice and comfortable and the staff are really lovely with her. So we are happy with it and she is safe but we are also really sad & upset that she is there and we really miss her and we visit between us every day. She's had a few falls and UTI's but has had a more settled period recently and is settled well there, never asks to go home. She is sleepy a lot of the time but can get up and walk around and eats meals etc with help.

I am torn between wanting to visit Mum as much as I can, looking after my own kids, looking after my elderly dad (82) who is in shock still with it all and is really missing Mum at home and working my full time job (can work from home and flexible so can just about manage!!). Dad still stays in his own house and his health is ok but he is feeling really lonely so we are all rallying round with dinners visits etc.

And then I have my own 2 kids. DS 15 and DD 12. They were really close to their Grandma and she looked after them after school a lot but now she doesn't recognise them and they both get upset about it. My sister thinks I should get them to visit more at the home but they both don't like it and get upset. They have visited her in the hospital and also in the care home but she was sleeping and I think they thought she was more poorly that she actually was. They feel sad that she is not with their Grandad.

I feel really sad that if they don't go then they might not see her much again but I can also see that they are scared and its upsetting for them. It's upsetting for me & my dad as well, She doesn't recognise them and doesn't make sense when she talks and they are scared of that. I know that deep down there is still flashes of her true personality and I am used to how she is.

Has anyone had experience of this with older kids and how to handle it best? My sister takes her son over but he is a toddler and my brother has taken my neices 8 and 6 but they live further away but he said they were upset as well.

Thanks x

[thesandwich]

Please put yourself and your children and df first.
Your dm is being cared for and won’t know the children are visiting.
Let them remember her as she was.
Mil would have hated her grandchildren to have seen her when her dementia fully kicked in.
Look after you.

[NK346f2849X127d8bca260]

I agree with previous poster, my mother has dementia, she is still at home but my 15 year old daughter doesn’t like to see her as she is now and no longer visits.
Your mum sounds like she has been a fantastic grandmother, let them remember her as she was and not as she is now.

[Bunnybigears]

My Dgrandma is in a home with advanced dementia. I dont take my children to see her now, they are a bit younger than yours but they were scared and upset last time and she doesnt know who they are so it benefits no one.

[ErrolTheDragon]

MIL was in a care home near us during her last 28 months. She didn't have dementia as such but was increasingly confused. DD was 12/13 - initially she came with us on some visits (together with the dog, he was much appreciated by MIL and other residents) but gradually this tailed off. MIL would have recognised her but it was better for both of them.

'let them remember her as she was and not as she is now.' is exactly right.

[helpfulperson]

Couple of things from my own experience.

Don't make the children visit but keep the ' communication' alive. When you come home say to them that you saw granny and she was well. Encourage them to think about her - my nephews never visited but occasionally took photos of planes or trains if they were out and about and i could show these to Dad and say ' xxx saw this and thought you'd be interested.'

Dont feel you need to visit loads. Talk to the staff but your mum probably doesnt have much of a sense of time so doesnt know if you visit every day or a couple of times a week. She also wont know how long visits are. What my Dad knew, even when he had no idea who we were was that he had visitors who came who weren't staff and that he liked the visits. He had no idea if we had been on any given day.

[mumontherun14]

Thank you all so much for the replies. I was feeling a bit guilted into it by my sister as she takes her toddler but there is a big difference as he is so little and unaware of it all. Sometime he is too much for my mum as well so she also visits on her own.

I think she is progressing into the illness and I am not sure if she recognises me truly any more. She knows I am a familiar face but often doesn't call me by my name and calls me her friend or a teacher. Its all so rubbish and just feel I need to protect the kids from this where I can.

I took over photos today of us all as children but she only recognised my dad. And we have made a photo collage of all the grandchildren and they do send letters & pictures in. Just heartbreaking as she was devoted to them all and they to her x

[stucknoue]

We have been super honest with our DD's and I've kind of trained them to be good nursing home visitors - the trick is to basically talk a monologue! Dd also took her violin a few times. The dog is a great icebreaker too. It's really hard, thankfully we have an extra generation to you so they are the great grandkids, make sure you look after yourself too, with so many relying on you make sure you reward yourself sometimes

[Supersimkin]

DGM doesn't get anything out of the visits from the children, and that changes things.

Do they benefit? If not, no one does.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I think your children are old enough to talk to about dementia and the effects it has. They don't need to visit, but don't hide them away from it too much. They're learning now how to treat you should you get dementia. And in 3-6 years they'll be voting, and deciding whether to elect a party which includes dementia and other elder care in its manifesto.

They're also old enough to support you a little bit. And they can't do that if you're protecting them completely.

On the other hand, this is new, and they're still getting used to it. So don't be too rough with them.

[mumwon]

don't worry about what other people say you should do& this is especially the case for relatives! You visit when you can & want to - just because your sister thinks your dc should visit her doesn't mean that they should if it upsets them - she isn't their mother & they aren't adults to decide for themselves - let them have good memories of her - unless she asks then reconsider & ask your dc if they want to but make it brief. (I say this as someone that has been through the same thing) I feel for you

[Jeeperscreepers69]

I work in a home. See and hear this all the time. Visit once a week. Dont feel bad. Take the kids every month or so. Theres nothing more annoying to be totally honest than families that visit every day. Residents get very unsettled and dont get a chance to bond with other residents x

[loveyouradvice]

helpful person what great advice - Mum has just moved into a home and I'm grappling with how / what to do