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Elderly parents

Elderly step-parent’s own children not interested

45 replies

mumtomaxwell · 08/07/2019 01:00

My MIL remarried about 15 yrs ago, they’d been together about 10 years before that. Her husband’s health is failing... frequent ‘trips’, incoherent speech/forgotten words, struggling with the stairs, very sleepy etc. He saw a dr who said “nothing more than old age”

Anyway, his daughters simply won’t see/accept how bad their dad is. My MIL is in poor health herself and is really struggling. But his daughters seem to be happy to let her get on with it! We don’t know them very well and don’t have their phone numbers etc. Also MIL would be really cross if we contacted them without telling her. She wants her husband to tell his kids himself how bad he is!! This is an elderly man who told me “to pay for the castle” when he actually meant “please get the suitcase out”!!!

We found out today MIL is having tests for cancer and is terrified. Her husband can barely walk and had another fall today. His daughter went to visit today, was told all this but says nothing.... I get she’s probably heartbroken and scared for her dad but it’s so unfair for her to leave it to my MIL.

Sorry this was long... what can we do?

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WillLokireturn · 08/07/2019 06:45

Write to his GP about your concerns & observations and ask to GP assess SFIL.
S/He'll then arrange appropriate tests/ referrals. One step at a time. Worrying time for your mum.

Is GP informed about each fall? S/he should have referred to local falls clinic or team where his other issues would get noticed.

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SnuggyBuggy · 08/07/2019 07:32

Do they have a social worker? Nothing was really put in place for my late DGF until adult social services were involved.

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RosaWaiting · 08/07/2019 12:03

so the daughters see her as being the responsible party. how old are the MIL and the husband?

What is your DH doing about this?

the daughter may not know what to do, may not care - all kinds of possibilities. Can you call the GP and flag something up?

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mumtomaxwell · 08/07/2019 12:25

MIL is 74, SFIL is 80

No social worker and involved - my MIL has been in denial until very recently when the falls have got more frequent - the ones we find out about happen about once a week. They describe them as ‘SFIL tripped again’

He went to the GP about 6 months ago after his daughters and wife nagged him for weeks. He went reluctantly and alone... GP told him nothing wrong except old age Hmm

Me and DH are begging MIL to let us help, talk to people, try and arrange help...BUT she wants his daughters to do all this rather than us - she’s worried about upsetting them and potential fall outs when he dies!!!

I’m taking her for her own hospital apt this afternoon - my DH told her she had to accept the lift! Meanwhile SFIL will be home alone unable to walk well because apparently his feet are so cracked and dry it hurts to walk! We found this out this morning - his daughter also knows but said nothing acc to MIL.

Poor MIL is at her wits end worrying.

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SnuggyBuggy · 08/07/2019 12:27

I think you need to make a referral on their behalf

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mumtomaxwell · 08/07/2019 12:28

Just re read and saw advice about falls clinic... will gently mention to MIL later.

She doesn’t like to bother dr or “waste their time”!! Even apologised to paramedics who attended when SFIL fell down the stairs and cut his heads - she rang the GP not 999.

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mumtomaxwell · 08/07/2019 12:29

Can I do that @SnuggyBuggy? How do I go about it?

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OKBobble · 08/07/2019 12:33

Did he dump his kids though when he got together with your MIL. They may see you as part of their DD and DSM's family and themselves as the non resident kids who were left with their MUm.

That said your MIL is only 74. Most 74 year olds would be handling this themselves although I see she is having some of her own health issues.

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TibetanCherryTree · 08/07/2019 12:42

Is there any chance that his DD's have been left out over the last 25 years after your StepFIL remarried, resulting in them being indifferent to his situation now?

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SnuggyBuggy · 08/07/2019 12:44

I think you can just make an anonymous referral. I don't know if any good will come from trying to involve FILs children

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WillLokireturn · 08/07/2019 13:18

@mumtomaxwell
GP needs to medically assess SFIL's physical health and memory, they are gateway to other specialist health services including falls clinic (unless admitted to hospital)

You can outline your worries briefly into letter to his GP saying SFIL and mil tend to play it down or miss out info but they are struggling as he's falling each week, having memory problems, struggling to walk due to feet, and give some egs. GPs are usually good at inviting patients in "for check up" and asking a bit more if they know there are genuine concerns and that patient 'doesnt like to make a fuss'.

You need MIL and SFIL 's permission if you are going to refer them to local adult services for social worker assessment (unless safeguarding or they lack capacity). You can look up number on county council's website and its best to ring in referral whilst they are with you as need GP details, phone no. Dob, etc

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mumtomaxwell · 08/07/2019 16:53

@OKBobble no none of that... both of them got divorced a few years before they met. My DH was the youngest ‘child’ at the time - he was 20. The others were all already married.

Her own health issues are stopping her from coping as well as she would normally. I spent the afternoon with her today - she’s in a terrible state with the stress of everything.

I think his daughters are scared... I heard from MIL their mum has recently moved into sheltered housing.

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RosaWaiting · 08/07/2019 17:35

Oh your poor mum.

She needs reassuring that they are not bothering the doctor etc.

How serious are the falls btw?

also, I just thought, if he went to the doctor alone, we only have his word for it that the doctor said "just old age". Would he benefit from having rails etc fitted around the house?

it sounds to me that you will need to get Adult Social Services to advise. I realise that getting MIL to agree to this might be hard of course. Flowers

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mumtomaxwell · 10/07/2019 00:25

I found out that the fall on Friday wasn’t so much of a ‘trip’... he fell down the stairs!!! The previous week he fell in the bathroom and cut his head.

My poor MIL is beside herself with worry about how she’s going to cope if the results of yesterday’s tests show she needs an op.

DH and his DB have said they’re going to ‘have words’ with SFIL’s daughters and tell them they need to help look after their dad...

I think MIL has kept a lot from us in recent weeks and months. Having spent a couple of hours alone with her yesterday she did start to open up. I got her to agree to call us no matter what! We shall see if she keeps her word on that.

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MrsBertBibby · 10/07/2019 00:32

This isn't their Dad's health though. It's your MIL's. She is killing herself with this.

Get her to the GP and don't let her go in alone.

I had to watch my dad like a hawk to stop him minimising mum's problems and get the ball rolling. I had to be a right bully, but it worked.

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Rachelover40 · 10/07/2019 01:55

Your MIL is entitled to help with her sick husband which is a priority as she is ill herself. The GP can get the ball rolling, it doesn't have to mean Dad going into residential care but carers can be employed to come in and do the necessary a few times a day. The local health authority will also provide equipment, safety rails, etc, after occupational therapy assessment. It will give your MIL some relief from her worry and time to look after herself.

Perhaps your husband (and you) can get things started. I don't know why his sisters don't get involved but you can't force that and they may do something in the future.

My mother in law had Parkinsons. We looked after her well but we had carers coming to the house four times a day which helped us as well as her. She was able to stay in her own home until the end which was important to her as she was deaf and found it difficult to communicate with people who were not used to her (& not everyone is patient).

You sound like a very caring person and I really hope all goes well, or as well as it can in the circumstances. Makes you think about your own future, doesn't it? Not wishing to be gloomy, just realistic. We must get the most out of our lives for as long as we can.

All the very best to you and your family. Flowers

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Graphista · 10/07/2019 02:18

"DH and his DB have said they’re going to ‘have words’ with SFIL’s daughters and tell them they need to help look after their dad..." They have absolutely no right to do that!

You and dh can support mil you can even contact gp with concerns but you have no idea what kind of relationship sfil has or had with his dds - for all you know there could even have been abuse. You also don't know how much they already have on their plates with their own mum having recently moved into sheltered accommodation and whatever their own families might require of them.

Do all you can to support mil inc encouraging sfil to see GP again, to get the help and support they clearly need.

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SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2019 07:17

I agree with above, it sounds like he needs the house adapting and a wearable alarm button.

I don't know if the focus on getting his daughters to provide the help is particularly helpful given how little we know of their circumstances. If they won't seek help for themselves you need to inform adult social services that he is at risk.

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RosaWaiting · 10/07/2019 13:23

"They have absolutely no right to do that!"

well, they have the right to ask. The daughters have the right to say no.

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pallisers · 10/07/2019 13:30

DH and his DB have said they’re going to ‘have words’ with SFIL’s daughters and tell them they need to help look after their dad...

I really think they should try a different approach. If they go in saying "you aren't pulling your weight" they will immediately create conflict and tbh you have only your mil's word for it that they aren't treating this seriously and she seems to be very busy minimising. They may well be talking to their dad about this stuff.

Why not have your dh and his brother call them and ask to meet for a coffee or a drink. Explain that MIL may well have a diagnosis soon and need an op and you want to make sure both of them are supported. you are a bit concerned that neither you nor the daughters aren't seeing the full picture and think the whole lot of you should be discussing their care together. Something that puts you both on the same side rather than being antagonistic.

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Graphista · 10/07/2019 15:45

"well, they have the right to ask. The daughters have the right to say no."

To politely and considerately and with open minds approach a discussion maybe they DO NOT have a right to "have words" to try and lay down the law!

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RatherBeRiding · 10/07/2019 15:54

SFIL's daughters may well have enough on their plates already - OP mentioned that their mother recently moved into sheltered housing. Perhaps they are already stretched providing support to her. Not to mention their own families. And possibly their own ILs.

I agree it would be worth opening a discussion with them about their father's problems but it is NOT their job to become any more involved with his care than they feel they have the time/energy to provide.

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AtillatheHun · 10/07/2019 15:55

This is the same situation for my MIL who is also financially supporting her partner who has only a state pension / no savings. His (very wealthy) children are not prepared to help with respite care or funding because they're still angry with him for the way in which he split with their mother about 30 years ago (I don't know any details). It sucks, but they can't b made to help and therefore your mother should look elsewhere for her own support

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RosaWaiting · 10/07/2019 16:02

Sorry I was reading in a rush and missed that the op actually put “ have words” in inverted commas, which does sound threatening.

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SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2019 16:12

If anyone tried to "have words" with me like that I'd honestly tell them to fuck off. These people can't be forced to look after their dad.

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