End of my tether

[blossomtrail]

I live hundreds of miles away from my parents and am an only child. Mum is ten years older than dad at 90, and her health isn't great, so dad is her carer. He has been struggling to cope for some time and needs regular help, but mum is refusing (she has always been stubborn).

Anyway, I've been down for the weekend to help out and to try and talk mum into accepting help, but she's throwing a massive tantrum and refusing to even discuss the idea. Dad is a wreck, and I just don't know which way to turn. She's always been quite domineering and I just can't get through to her that she will finish dad off if she doesn't let him have some support.

Moving closer isn't an option due to mine and DH's work commitments/kids in school (mum and dad had planned years ago to move closer to us but decided against it, now they've had the house adapted to cope with mum's needs it would be too much of an upheaval) so I just don't know what the answer is. Any thoughts?

[yearinyearout]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, have you contacted age uk? They can offer some good advice.

[wigglypiggly]

poor dad, he must be knackered, would he speak to his gp about the strain he is under. sounds as if mum needs a reality check, social services adult team, age uk might be able to help. it might be worth them having a care needs assessment, do you have power of attorney for either of them?

[RosaWaiting]

so dad is 80, yes? and looking after a 90 year old.

is it worth contacting their GP? Their GP should keep it confidential that you got in touch, but if you say you are concerned about your dad's health then they might be able to find an excuse to get them in or do a visit.

has your dad told your mother bluntly that he can't cope? Would he considering just getting a carer and saying to her "new experiment, let's see how this goes"?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

As a carer, your Dad is entitled to a social services assessment of needs in his own right. I've never done this, and have no idea whether it would be effective, but it might be worth exploring. I believe he can self-refer via adult Social Services of his local Council.

[TheFaerieQueene]

Agree, adult social services to support your father. This isn’t something your mother can object to because it isn’t about her.

[endofthelinefinally]

Yes, your dad is entitled to a carers assessment.

[CMOTDibbler]

My sympathy - my dad is a stubborn whatsit and has fought getting support in at every stage. I'm afraid that what I had to do was to sit him down (mum has dementia) and be absolutely straight that if he didn't accept carers then mum would have to go into residential care as social services etc could see that it wasn't safe and sustainable. It really was the start of having to parent my parents.

[Moondancer73]

I'd agree that a social care assessment is the way to go.
If you can't get your Dad to call them in then you'll have to call them yourself, or speak to your parents GP and voice your concerns, make it very plain that you're father can't cope and that you want a care assessment.
My DM dad has issues with health , physical and mental, for years but now we have social services involved life is so much easier. Good luck.

[blossomtrail]

Thank you, I will speak to social services asap

[SeaToSki]

Can you just organize the help and tell your DM its not for her, its for your DF. Would she be able to interfer with someone helping with the cooking, cleaning and washing if it was just booked in. If she needs personal help, its more tricky, but maybe start with the basics and tell everyone to ignore the tantrums

[PurpleWithRed]

Also ask for a carers assessment for your dad, and a carers prescription, make sure dad is registered at his gp as a carer, and check out the carer’s association for help and advice.

What sort of care/help is needed for your mum?

[RoseMartha]

If i were in your position I might tell my mum that dad needs help and is willing to have help so therefore there will be help coming in, otherwise dad will not be able to look after you.

If it is any consolation, my mum is refusing help (has dementia, arthritis, asthma, plus lots of other issues), and it is now really getting on my nerves to the point where i dont want to see her. She expects to see me most days and I dont have time or physical or emotional energy. I have kids and (a special needs child who is demanding and challenging), plus am mid divorce and plus i work part time. So i know how difficult it must be for you and your dad.

We have tried saying that a family member needs part time work to see if she will let them clean as if it is doing family member a favour for a little money but no go.

The constant moaning, repeating and tantrums drives me nuts. I have all that with my own family dont need it with mum too.

I hope you can manage to get help. Ss should be able to help. My mum has a support worker from ss but she refuses to see him but we see him, so they might liaise with you and your dad if your mum is the same.

Have your parents got lifeline?

I can see my mum ending up in a home. She is an accident waiting to happen, needs a stick but refuses needs lifeline but refuses. Stubborn to the core.