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Dont trust carer/boyfriend

(9 Posts)
bilbodog Fri 29-Mar-19 20:44:06

Long story - mil 89 has boyfriend/carer 80 who spends most of his time with her but has his own house.

Red flags - she net him 3-4 years ago and has moved away from her family to be near him.

- he talks over her all the time making it difficult for us to speak to her when we visit

- he presents to everyone as her ‘carer’ including when she has been admitted to hospital over the last few months and gets put down on record as her next of kin. We have informed the dr and local hospital that he is not her nok but last week she was admitted again and his name was there again.

- he has said that he has promised to stay with her and never leave her. Her health has deteriorated a lot in the last few years and we do wonder what is in it for him. He has been married twice before - first wife had learning difficulties and epilepsy and died falling out of an upstairs window. Second wife had numerous health problems and he nursed her to the end with copd.

- he jokes that he teases her regularly.

- she now has serious copd, incontinence and can hardly walk. She has a throat stent fitted as she had a perforated osophagus last nov and nearly died, which is why she was back in hospital last week.

- when we saw her last week we noticed how cheerful she was, full of talk like she used to be, and not falling asleep all the time. I joked at the time that perhaps it was because she was away from boyfriend who wasn't talking her ear off - now i wonder if there was something in this?

- been spooked by phone call today from member of age uk who was involved in escorting her home from hospital. He wanted to check with family that we were aware of ‘carer’ who seemed to be more than that and because mil was reluctant to allow him into flat with her. He works with elderly all the time and says they are normally delighted for him to take them into their homes and make sure they are comfortable. This is why he rang me.

Im going to stop now as it is so long! Is anyone else seeing red flags?

Chocolateisfab Fri 29-Mar-19 20:47:51

Your local council authority will have a vulnerable adult service.
I agree it's odd.
Does she have life insurance /savings?
Or an upstairs window......

editingfairy Fri 29-Mar-19 20:50:47

Yeah. Lots. Is he drugging her? Does he have access to her money? Does she have an upstairs window? Sounds awful. But I don’t know what you can do... did ?age UK have any suggestions?

bilbodog Fri 29-Mar-19 21:03:01

Thanks for responding. He cant get access to her money as we already have control of this - she was scammed out of thousands a few years ago - thats another story! The age concern guy suggested the local safe guarding people which we will do. Sounds like you guys think something is a bit off which is what i was wondering.

We are thinking of trying to get a recording device in her flat to see if anything untoward is going on - anyone else ever done this? We wouldnt be able to ask for consent from mil.

fluffygal Fri 29-Mar-19 21:31:42

I’m a social worker who deals with safeguarding in adults- I would definitely raise it with the safeguarding team within your council- they will speak to your mum alone and take action if needed. If your mum has capacity around her relationship and care and support needs and is happy for the carer to continue in this way there isn’t much that can be done, however if she lacks capacity and something untoward is happening the council will be able to support to ensure she is safe.

boredboredboredboredbored Fri 29-Mar-19 21:38:30

I'm a community nurse and yes I'd be concerned. I think you're right to question what's in it for him? I'd raise concerns to ss too, she is clearly very vulnerable.

CharlesChickens Fri 29-Mar-19 21:46:28

Your Mum does sound extremely vulnerable and I agree this really does sound concerning. He sounds strange, and her behaviour noted by the escort , is very worrying indeed. She sounds afraid of him. I think in your place (and I have had vulnerable elderly parents, so I understand the stress ) I would consider setting up a camera , even though it sounds extreme. My own Mum was in a care home for a while and if I’d had concerns I would have set up a camera. So sorry op, it sounds incredibly stressful.

Philosykoss Fri 29-Mar-19 22:00:01

What about a recording device? Any suggestions for good ones? Not a USB though as unlikely she would have a pc

bilbodog Fri 29-Mar-19 22:02:21

Thank you for replying. We will discuss as a family and decide how best to proceed. I will report back in due course,

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