My mum is 85 and in a care home near me. I am an only child. She is also an only child and divorced. She has never, ever been one to make friends and I am literally the only person in the world she has.
The trouble is that we have never been particularly close. She has suffered from depression most of her life and has always had a negative mindset. When she divorced from my dad she never really got over it and I feel like I have been supporting her emotionally since I was 15 (I'm now almost 50). About 10 years ago she had a stroke which has affected her speech and I think she now also has dementia so her memory is poor.
About 18months ago I moved her from her home that was 200 miles away from me to a nursing home in my town, just 15 minutes from my house. This was because she was isolated, having falls, and needed 24 hour care, and each time she had a crisis I had to drop everything and go and see her which was really difficult with my job and my family here. The move was not what she wanted but she has done well at the care home. I'd say she is happy as she ever has been but I'm sure she misses her home but she never mentions it.
The thing is that I just can't communicate with her. She will greet me when I visit her and maybe ask how I am but beyond that it is me who does all the talking. If I didn't talk she would sit in silence. We end up just watching TV together which is fine on one level but also it isn't. She used to be an incredibly intelligent woman and I think she still is but she is literally locking the world out.
She is barely mobile now and I struggle to take her out as I need help getting her into her wheelchair from the car. She says that she wants to go out and about, but if I do take her for lunch / shopping she doesn't speak at all except to say she's cold (she's always been cold, all her life and yes, I do make sure she's wrapped up good and proper) and she looks abjectly miserable throughout the trip. I feel embarrassed to be wheeling this old lady who looks so utterly forlorn about the place as it looks like I'm making her do something she really doesn't want to be doing. If I ask her if she is enjoying herself she says she is but her face suggests otherwise, so I wonder if she is saying she's having a nice time because she thinks that's what I want to hear. When I bring her back to the care home she also looks miserable and does this awful fake crying thing to try and get me to stay.
I regularly bring her in books / DVDs of things that she enjoys (well, she used to enjoy), but she won't read the books and the DVDs mean she won't talk to me. She hates any kind of games. She has no interest in people, current affairs, or family. She has no interest in clothes, beauty, books. I'd say the only thing she likes is dogs but I don't have a dog because I'm really allergic to them so I can't even do that Borrow My Doggy thing.
Does anyone have any advice as to how to reach her better? I am finding that I am in tears most times I after leave her, because she drains me so much. I am now finding myself avoiding going and that makes me feel so guilty because she doesn't have anyone else. So I utterly dread going, I struggle when I'm with her and I feel guilty once I've left her. The care home say that she's always miserable unless she's watching TV, they don't take her out much at the moment because it's still cold. In the summer they do do trips to the garden centre but she always says she doesn't enjoy the group trips.
Can anyone suggest a way of how to make this situation better for her and for me?
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Elderly parents
Dread spending time with my mum
46 replies
NotGettingThisRight · 18/03/2019 11:54
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