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Being looked after by mum

(22 Posts)
frankiesamson Sun 20-Jan-19 17:28:28

My parents aren't exactly elderly yet.. in their 60s. I've been unwell for the past couple of weeks & it got so bad I couldn't cope on my own so I ended up having to go back to my parents to be looked after for a while.

What does your mum feed or do for you while you're unwell?

It's 5:30pm, and so far today my mum has offered me a home made cupcake, chocolate, or cakes. She's so sweet for offering these things for me but when I try to explain I just need food because I'm starving, she gets defensive & thinks cakes & chocolate are "food".

Does anyone else have this experience? I'm thinking back to when I was a kid, I'm sure my mum used to make me eat healthy food & drink water.. although it was so long ago I'm struggling to remember! Am I being unreasonable? Should I be eating all these cakes & chocolate & stop being ungrateful? (I am grateful! But really need to get better!)

Ragwort Sun 20-Jan-19 17:31:45

How unwell are you? Surely you can say something like ‘please could I have a sandwich’. Do your parents eat ‘meals’ or just prefer to eat cakes etc? Could you offer to do an online shop for them?

Singlenotsingle Sun 20-Jan-19 17:34:24

It's Sunday, the day when we all have a roast - ask when yours is going to arrive! She's not living on cakes and chocolate, is she? You might have to order some groceries online!

troubleswillbeoutofsight Sun 20-Jan-19 17:38:19

I think it depends on how unwell you are. Can you walk? If so get to the kitchen and scramble some eggs or make some toast. I know it's easy to become child like when you're feeling like shit but tbh not everyone has parents to go to. If you're too ill to walk I'd just ask your mum for some real food. When I've been really poorly food has been the last thing on my mind

frankiesamson Sun 20-Jan-19 17:45:01

She doesn't let anyone cook in the kitchen - gives her panic attacks. Only she is allowed to. While I'm able to quickly write this post on the iPhone app, I'm not well enough to look at a screen for longer than a few seconds unfortunately. If I was well enough to cook or do online shopping, I'd certainly not be here. smile

frankiesamson Sun 20-Jan-19 17:46:04

I asked her if she'd mind me having some food. She was quite offended and said cakes & chocolate ARE "food" ! :/

Ragwort Sun 20-Jan-19 17:48:30

You haven’t said what she & your DF eat? Are they eating ‘proper’ meals and just not making enough for you? It all sounds a bit of an odd set up.

troubleswillbeoutofsight Sun 20-Jan-19 17:53:02

In that case order a takeaway to be delivered

frankiesamson Sun 20-Jan-19 18:13:00

I haven't noticed them eat anything yet today. They live in the countryside where there are no take away deliveries unfortunately.

frankiesamson Sun 20-Jan-19 18:14:02

I guess from the replies that no one encountered this situation before? I haven't either!

SummerStrong Sun 20-Jan-19 18:18:56

I have a poorly family member at home today and so far I've given them: scrambled eggs on toast, tea & biscuits, homemade chicken soup with whole meal toast & we're having roast beef & veg for dinner (they're not eating very much, but having a bit of everything) also plenty of fruit juice, water & herbal tea all day.

frankiesamson Sun 20-Jan-19 18:25:18

Wow summerstrong u sound amazing sad

JinglingHellsBells Sun 20-Jan-19 22:48:03

How old are you?

I'm in my 60s so guess you must be in your late 20s or 30s? Or older?
What illness do you have?

Are you single, hence going back to your parents?

No other options?

I find your inability to say what you want to eat rather odd.

If you were my DD I'd be asking what you'd like to eat.

How can you not have found out if your parents are eating an evening meal or not? You posted at after 6pm- did they not have a lunch or are preparing dinner? Do they live on cakes?

Is this a physical illness or something different?

You need to talk to your mum and she needs help for her illness- panic attacks if someone uses her kitchen? That's bizarre.

Grace212 Sun 20-Jan-19 22:57:29

Have they not eaten anything before 6?

Regardless, can't you ask what they have in the fridge or cupboards?

My mother is actually elderly, but while she can live on cake, she doesn't expect me to do that.

If you are too ill to do an online shop, could you get one of your folks to go out tomorrow and get whatever you need?

JinglingHellsBells Mon 21-Jan-19 08:11:07

Your parents are not elderly.

If I were ill, my mum who is in her 90s would be cooking me whatever I wanted- warming casseroles, fish, chicken, omelettes, salads, proper meals.

This isn't anything to do with your parents ages- it's how they live.

Are you bed bound and very ill?

How soon do you think you can go home?

You need to talk to your family-what about your dad? Does he go in the kitchen to cook?

frankiesamson Mon 21-Jan-19 13:45:15

Thanks all for the kind replies.

Unfortunately talking to my mum about her panic when anyone tries to cook in her kitchen- only results in more anger / defensiveness (or panic). She refuses to see anyone about it & gets offended by the suggestion.

To the person who said ur mum cooks casseroles & real food for u at age 90- wow you're so lucky ! sad

My mum got quite angry at the idea I'd need something other than cakes & chocolate while I'm ill. I do remember living here for a few years after selling my home years ago, & there was a similar problem. Being only allowed to use the microwave while she wasn't looking, I ended up quite unwell on microwave meals. I ended up having to wait for her to go to bed to use the kitchen- but then she'd wake up & tell me off.

In terms of their diet, they seem to live off breakfast cereal (carbs & sugar), cakes/chocolate all day, and then an evening meal if lucky at around 8pm. They pay monthly gym membership & go to the gym on average once a month. They get quite upset if you question any of it.

I don't recall them being this bad when I was a child. Talking to them about it now just seems to result in them getting angry. Particularly my mum.

When I arrived, I told her I'd been living off chicken soup (automatic soup maker in my kitchen & all I could manage the energy to cook). I was so pleased to finally be looked after so I could have something else for a change. The next day, she made me chicken soup. (!) She added what looked like 2 dessert spoons of salt to it & made it so salty that even I (with my tolerant taste buds!) couldn't manage it! I thanked her & tried to force it down. I think it must have had a month's worth of sodium in that bowl lol 😂 The next day, the cakes & chocolate saga started.

When I'm looking after someone, I'll make sure they eat & drink healthily. Plenty of water & a balanced diet. Going by my parents behaviour recently, I was starting to think there must be something wrong with the way I think. Reading the responses here, I'm relieved (and somewhat not!), to realise there isn't. It's quite odd & hard to know how to deal with it. Still less stressful than being alone at the moment though ! (Marginally!)

JinglingHellsBells Mon 21-Jan-19 16:27:21

In reality my mum has not- touch wood- had to cook for me in her 90s, but I know she would if need be.

I'm sorry but unless you really cannot cope on your own - no friends around who could pop in?- you would be better off at home.

Are you willing to share what your illness is? If it is something that needs good nutrition to aid recovery, then the outlook is not good!

I'm sorry but your parents and you seem to have a very dysfunctional set up.

Their lifestyle with all those cakes etc sounds unhealthy in itself as well as your mum's issues with the kitchen.

Are you a family who doesn't 'do' emotion or plain speaking?
'fraid I'd just speak my mind if my mum behaved like that.

Can't you go back to your own home and manage to cook some good quality ready meals - use online delivery? You can get great soups and pretty good meals through Ocado etc who prob deliver in your area.

Are you so ill you can't get out of bed?
Are you under a doctor for whatever's wrong?

justasking111 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:34:49

Our elderly neighbours do not cook. They are both pretty able. Go out every day for a bite in Debenhams etc. Then microwave meal at night. If we make pates, terrines, pies, always take one round which they love, but they would not dream of cooking themselves. If they have guests it is all takeaways.

JinglingHellsBells Mon 21-Jan-19 17:25:00

Her parents are not elderly.

They are in their 60s.

Like me.

I'm still working and I've just spent an hour or so preparing a stuffing of rice, quinoa, mushrooms and walnuts to put into baked peppers.

Even my mum in her 90s makes casseroles and pasta sauces from scratch as well as full turkey roast Christmas dinner last month!

frankiesamson Mon 21-Jan-19 19:44:19

Thanks guys. I have news for you! My mum is making roast lamb tonight!!!!!

It seems they make a meal only once a day, and sometimes have a few days off.

To answer your question about my friends- unfortunately I live 8 hours away where the only person I know is on holiday for a month at the moment, so going back home is a no go.

I'm getting a blood test on Monday.

frankiesamson Tue 22-Jan-19 20:20:28

Okay.. I ate the lamb left overs last night while mum was asleep because i was starving & today my mum was upset because she wanted to keep them for dinner tonight. Hmm.. oops.

Ginny008 Sat 09-Feb-19 06:11:34

Hi OP. Any update on this please?

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