Just having a vent!

[everydaymum]

DM is only 67. She has poor physical health and is in and out of doctors, hospitals etc. I understand that this is frustrating for her, as is her reduced mobility, however she has an inflated sense of entitlement and disregard for others. Yesterday she had an appt and requires another hospital visit. Instead of waiting for paperwork, she went home and then told me that I had to pick it up for her today. Same with the hospital stay, I was told I'd have 'another early morning' as I need to get her there by 6.30am.

I know she's not able to drive atm but she never asks if I can help, I'm just told what I have to do, and she never asks if anything fits in with whatever plans DH, DC or I might have. I'm happy to help but I need a bit of notice and would prefer to be asked nicely rather than told.

She needed shopping done so I asked for her list and told her I'd order it online for her and they would deliver to her kitchen bench, but she wasn't happy with that, she wanted me to go and get it for her. She asked another day if I was going to a certain shopping centre soon and I said no. She then told me they had a sale on for something she wanted so I needed to go there.

Many times I've pulled her up on her manner (the current issues are just one of many), but she ignores me or accuses me of being unreasonable. Apparently her lack of saying 'please' or 'thank you' doesn't make her rude! I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from DC so I don't know why she expects me to tolerate it from her.

I just had a call from her about going to pick up her paperwork. I said I'd go now as I'm free now (late morning, Australia), but it's not ready yet. Instead I have to go after lunch. I said 'fine, it's not like I have anything else to do' and hung up on her. I know that was childish but I'm tired of it. To others she comes across as nice and happy but with me she's just a bossy b.tch.

I get no joy from visiting her. As soon as I arrive at her house I'm told what jobs she needs done. Again, I'm happy to help people in need, but I'd appreciate a 'please'. She just doesn't get it, and since she's only 67 I've probably got another 10, 20, 30 yrs of it! Give me strength!!

[unicornsandponies]

Poor you. I sympathise totally with how you feel. The sense of them being the centre of the universe with others having to dance to their tune is very noticable and as they get older it gets harder. My DM is late 80s but has been difficult for years, throw in a bit of dementia and it's like having an elderly toddler. Yesterday mine was stamping her feet at me and calling me a liar! This after I'd travelled many hours to visit her for a few days. So nice to feel welcomed. Deep breath @everyday and, as a very wise poster on here says, Teflon shoulders is what you need.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Reassure yourself - it probably isn't another 30 years if she's in ill-health already.

On the other hand, there's a danger it will just escalate, so you need to establish ground rules.

You're going to have to dig your heels in. Don't give excuses, just repeat "I'm sorry, I can't do that in that way/at that time." adding, now and again "If only you'd checked with me first before you made the arrangement". She'll learn not to make assumptions about your availability only by having bad experiences as a result.

Part of the "teflon shoulders" is learning to put to one side that she's your much loved mother, that she's finding life difficult etc, and making sure that you don't give more of yourself than is sustainable.

I sound a cow, don't I? But you won't be able to help her in the future if your own mental health is shot to shreds, and you very reasonably would like to get joy out of your visits to her.

[everydaymum]

Thank you Unicorns and Mere. I will employ Teflon Shoulders!

I saw DM today to drop off the paperwork (I got it as I knew she'd just get an unwell friend to do it instead). First contact since me telling her how rude she was and then hanging up on her and she acted as if nothing was wrong and invited me in for a cuppa! She has the ultimate Teflon shoulders, which is the problem. Nothing I say to her sinks in or makes any difference. I could tell her I never want to see or speak to her again and she'd call the next day to say hi.

DH feels she is unable to feel empathy for others, as does my psychologist (DM really does my head in and has done for years), which means she will never change because she can't. It's interesting to think that that is the cause, not that it helps those of us of the receiving end!

Thanks again for your responses. Nice to know I'm not alone, but not nice to think it's something a lot of us have to deal with.

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

Has she sweats been like this?

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

ALWAYS not sweats 🙄

[everydaymum]

She was never this bad. She's always had no boundaries - always asks how much things cost you, how you spend your money, wants to know every detail of your day, would read your mail or a note if she saw it on a bench..... She got much worse once I'd had DS, and DH and I created our own little family unit. She was no longer 'head female'. In terms of extended family she was/is, but not my immediate family, and she can't deal with it. Then when her health deteriorated I think she realised that got her attention and so she plays on it. You'll never see her as happy and bright as she is when she's in hospital or at dr appt.

I know that some of the problem may be age/MH related, but the fact she can turn most of it on and off at will makes me thinks she just a b.tch.

[everydaymum]

That should be she never 'seemed' to be this bad. But prior to DS I'd worked full time and wasn't around as much. Maybe she just didn't have the chance to be this bad with me before as an adult.

[GladysKnight]

It isn't your job to protect her unwell friends I'm afraid. It's theirs. If she's threatening to do that to you, that's blackmail and manipulation. Remind yourself of that, even if it isn't worth the grief of saying it to her!

It is your job to protect yourself. Remind yourself that you want to help her, but not to the extent that your love and your daily life are destroyed by resentment. She has clearly got completely comfortable with you being at her beck and call, it will be hard to stand up to her but since everything you are suggesting is perfectly reasonable, you do need to work on that Teflon. Which may include , if not slamming the phone down, saying 'got to go bye' then putting the phne down before she can reply!

[everydaymum]

Thanks Gladys. We actually turned our phone to silent a few months back so her calls don't bother us (she's the only person who calls our home phone). She can leave a message and I can respond when I want to.

She's an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself and not rely so much on others. I also need to take responsibility for my health and will not let her affect me like she does.

[GladysKnight]

Great! Look after yourself

[paulfoel]

I hear this. Especially the shopping thing....

Dad expects me to shop for him every week. Spends £20. I bought him a huge freezer. If I buy more than he needs he goes mad. I know the shopping thing is a scam so he can make me visit more!

I do "on call" at work. He knows this. Sometimes I'm up middle of the night or whatever so I tell him if all else fails I'll get home delivery sorted. Nope refused.

He has no consideration AT ALL for my well being.

He once insisted I needed to drop his wheelchair off (it had been left in my car). Wheelchair hes used twice in about 5 years. Insisted he was going to get someone to take him out in it on the Friday.

Was rushed off my feet that week in work. Got called into office at 4am on the thursday. I phoned him do you REALLY need the wheelchair? Yes or Im stuck in the house. So I had to take two hours out of my work day to drive to him. Very tired!

When I saw him asked him about his trip out. Oh I didnt use the wheelchair afterwards - didnt like to ask someone to push me around.

I nearly exploded!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I know the shopping thing is a scam so he can make me visit more! It's a difficult one. He'd like to see you more. That's a perfectly reasonable desire.You don't want to see him that much, he doesn't want to plead with you to visit, so he's finding excuses for you to need to come.

My Dad would like to see more of me. And when I'm there he wants to talk to me - not listen - he spends his whole day listening to Radio 4, he does enough listening - he wants to talk. If I could just drop in for 5 mins I might. But a typical visit is 3 hours, and if I try really hard, I might get out in just over an hour. So, sorry Dad, all I can do is 2-3 times a week.

So instead I email every day telling him about our life. And now he's struggling with emails, I might think of sending him letters.

[paulfoel]

Yeh don't get me wrong, I know he wants to see me. I want to see him as much as I can too.

Unfortunately, as is life, I've got other responsibilities too. I won't go into details because I guess we've all got issues, but there are plenty for me. Dad knows this and seems to think my other issues are not as important as him. It started to get to the point where I was neglecting my kids, my wife etc - I would have ended up divorced.

What annoys me is his blackmailing and gameplaying. Its "come hell or high water" I've got to visit.

I'll be honest, I probably would visit more if he was less pushy. If I've got a spare few hours now I don't visit because I know in a day or two he'll be "forcing" me to visit somehow anyway!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

If I've got a spare few hours now I don't visit because I know in a day or two he'll be "forcing" me to visit somehow anyway! Yeah, me too!

[everydaymum]

Nothing is never enough for DM. Dropping in for 30mins, I think is better than not seeing her, but to her it's not long enough and the pouting and sulking when we leave ruins the visit and makes me wish I hadn't bothered.

I try to remind her that when she was my age, with young kids etc she didn't have oodles of spare time and I only remember visiting my GPs once a month at the most - she wants several visits a week!

Thoughts and support for all of you dealing with unreasonable parents!

[paulfoel]

everydaymun - yep I get the same. Sure he thinks I've got 15 hours a day free time where I'm sitting there watching TV aye.