Ideas on how to handle this worrying situation with 82 yo DF please ??

[RockinHippy]

I don't even know where to start explaining this one & don't want to drip feed or write the novel it needs to fully explain, so please bare with me 😐


DF is 82 with a list of health problems, but despite this he's usually very together & not particularly "elderly" if that makes sense. Though I do worry at times when he's eating badly & sugars are off, which he can be prone to. I live the other end of the country with my own family. Speak to him at least once a day & visit often if allowed DB lives nearby. DB was the golden child to DM, but difficult relationship with DF, but better in recent years & he also speaks daily & visits several times a week

Dad can be volatile at times, this is nothing new & if I'm honest, though he can be lovely, he's also very capable of being an arsehole - think stately homes situation, where I'm no longer sure who the main culprit/narcissist was as since we lost DM some 5 years ago, the shit stirring & long periods of NC after yet another blow up by dad, didn't stop & to be honest he has done some awful stuff. Like kicking me & my then crutches reliant 10 yo out onto the streets at 10pm at night in the middle of a full blown storm because he didn't like me complaining to the hospital about DMs poor treatment. DM was dying at the time & he wasn't coping, so I've sort of excused it as that, though it's not the first or last time similar happened.


He never falls out with both myself & DB together, usually only one, often whilst trying to wind the other up against each other. Loads more I could write, but he can be okay too & I'm not sure how much of his behaviour is age & medical related given the diabetic mood swings etc when he isn't eating well.


Right now things have escalated badly. He's gone NC with both me & DB after he tried to physically attack DB after DB told him how he felt about DFs goady boastful behaviour about this woman & respective our mother, DB himself is currently seriously ill.

This all centres around him meeting a woman. She's my age . Is a user & an old lush. I've met her once before she was involved with dad, as she was dumping her cardboard rubbish outside of mam & dads bungalow & she was clearly still drunk at 10 am & swore at me for telling her to put her rubbish in the bin.

She asked dad out. Dad was flattered, but came home saying never again as she was clearly only after a free night out & downed doubles & treble spirits all night at Dads expense. He also went into how she's a known user & has a younger special needs man running around doing all her shopping & odd jobs etc & that she could "bugger off as I'm not daft enough to fall for that one"

Dad is comfortably off, but not particularly wealthy, but dresses well, nice car. Nice house etc all thanks to DM so perhaps appears wealthier than he is. Woman tells everyone she is wealthy, big inheritance, but no outward signs of this & tbh, smacks of a scammer to me. I mean, who the hell goes around telling everyone they are loaded if they genuinely are & are not a kid.




Next thing we know, Dad is going on & on about his "girlfriend" I reminded him of what he said about her, told him he was being a fool if he was allowing himself to be sucked in by a con woman. He got arsey with me, I don't know her etc & I pointed out I was only repeating what he himself had told me.

Since then not mentioned her again to me until big bust up this week, but his attitude on the phone was awful. Phone calls always on open phone, often felt someone else was there & dad was just cocky, goady & obnoxious all the time. Dad has also been caught out lying about his health & medication etc

DB tells me this woman is now treating Dads bungalow as if she lives there, in & out as she pleases & dad even referred to her to DB as his step mum, which saw DB explode & tell him what he thought of her & DFs behaviour & how our mother was a lady with class, not a common whore, which had dad trying to punch DB.


Similarly goady conversation with me, resulted in dad accusing me of only being interested in inheritance, or which none of us would get anything as he's going to do equity release so he & his girlfriend could go on cruises & I could "piss off for good too"

He left a really weird goady message on DB answer machine. Which can best be described as teenage & overly nice. Telling DB he was finally proud of DB as he's always been a whimp but proved himself by blocking DFs punch. Telling "were always here if you need us" which of course wound DB up more.


DF is using Facebook to point score with contradictory embarrassing posts. Again teenage & his behaviour is best described as common as muck, which isn't who he is at all, though he did come from quite a rough background where it was all about macho bullshit & who was toughest, flashiest etc, he left that behind when he married DM young & has always been respectable in his behaviour since about his early 20s


I hope I'm explaining myself well, if not apologies, rough night. Now DF is down the pub & drinking with her all the time & boasting to DB that's she's taking him out to buy viagra🤢 all very bad, if not potentially very dangerous for DF




I'm now NC again, so is DB, with good reason, but I'm reeling a bit at the change in/worsened behaviour by DF & find myself wondering if he's lost it a bit, or medication to blame as he had this woman sussed out & yet a week later is boasting about his new girlfriend & talking about her as if he's a smitten teen & a "new step mother" to us. I cant fully explain it, but it's as if he's regressed to being 15 again, that's the best way I can describe it & I'm stuck as to what to do next. Apart from maybe warn his doctors, but not sure I'm looking forward to that conversation


If you made it this far, thank you & all advice appreciated

[bionicnemonic]

Do you think this ‘personality change’ could be dementia? There seems to be a link between dementia and uncontrolled sugars. I would definitely write to his doctor to log your concerns. Does anyone have your dads power of attorney? I suppose I’m just thinking if it is that and things escalate what you’d need to have in place.

[bionicnemonic]

Bumping for you

[RockinHippy]

Thank you bio

I didn't know of an uncontrolled sugar/dementia connection. I know his sugars were off for some time as he was discussing it with me, until I started pointing out his chocolate bars & pork pies etc wouldn't be helping. I think he's lied to me after that as they were suddenly perfect 😏 I've caught him out lying about other medical stuff, so it's likely


As for dementia, I just don't know. I did speak with his surgery about 8 months back as I was becoming worried about his spending behaviour. Nothing drastic, but he constantly seemed to be getting conned to signing up for supplements that weren't any use, or probably that safe given his medical problems, plus other similar things & the equity release thing stems from then too, some rep ringing him & convincing dad it was a good idea for him when it blatantly isn't right for dad & he doesn't need extra spending money & looked like a rip off given his age & the equity in his property🙄


His surgery supposedly tested him, but I heard no more from them, other than from dad who complained they were having in for daft memory tests & that he passed all with flying colours, no idea if that's true or not. No power of attorney with anyone either.

I'll look into dementia more, thank you

[allthekingsshoes]

Speak with the Elderly Care Social Work team. Leaving aside your complex relationship he sounds vulnerable and they should be involved or at least able to give you and your DB some advice.

[Finfintytint]

Could you report your concerns to adult social care if you believe she is exploiting him.

[RockinHippy]

Thank you. Elderly Social Care sounds like a great idea. I didn't know it existed, do I will try them. He'll do his nut, but he's not speaking to me anyway, & is abusive when he does, so nothing to lose really 👍🏼

[FadedRed]

There will be an 'Adult Safeguarding' team in your father's Local Council Services, with contact details and information about what constitutes potentially harmful for issues for vulnerable adults.
Exploitation of vulnerable older people by younger adults with disordered lives (alcohol and drug misusers for example) is unfortunately an increasingly common problem.
You can ring them for advice or report your concern to them.

[Lordamighty]

My DM told everyone she passed the memory test with flying colours- she certainly didn’t because I was in the room when she took it.

[MyAuntyBadger]

My dad's 78 and has become a very easy target for a scam in the last couple of years. He'll give a job to anyone who knocks on his door -this year he's had new windows, new drive and a new something in his loft for his solar panels. Total cost of over £12k and all of it unnecessary. I don't think he has dementia, but he's lonely and vulnerable and it's in contrast to his previous personality where he found it difficult to part with money -unless the person asking for it worked behind the bar-.

Fortunately there haven't been any women showing an interest, if there were I'd be there more often, not less. Your db has played right into her hands, she wants you both out of the picture. Ask him to swallow his pride and get back in your dad's life, so as not to make it easy for her. Your mum would not want this woman to reap the financial benefits of her life's sacrifices. Did your mum have world cruises? If not, why should she pay for the 'girlfriend' to have them?

Good luck op, it's an awful situation but you and your db need to play the long game.

[NewspaperTaxis]

Normally I'd say don't touch Adult Social Services with a bargepole, because frankly they're just as much money grabbers as this woman seems to be. I mean, she wants your Dad's cash, so do they. She wants it for booze and your inheritance in her wallet, they want it to subsidise the care homes.

This might be the exception but I'm not really sure they can do anything about it. BTW Marriage trumps a Will. She gets half.

Did you get LPA in Health and Welfare and Finance? If not, it may be too late what with his attitude. I agree that this may be down to low blood sugar and/or low sodium levels etc. Folic Acid daily may help as a pick me up too.

Citizens Advice Bureau? Can you go to the Court of Protection? But this only works if he has actually lost mental capacity.

To be honest, I am just putting ideas out.

You can get some kind of POA thing for his finances I understand that let you act on his behalf, he doesn't have to have lost it for that to happen. Maybe have a word with the bank on this, and ask to moniter for unusual spending?

[NewspaperTaxis]

Oh, okay you didn't get LPA. Sorry, only skim read your post.

Spy camera in the house? Might that work?

[CoperCabana]

This woman sounds very familiar to me. I don’t suppose her name starts with a B?

[RockinHippy]

Thanks everyone

I've just got off the phone to DFs local adult social care, gave them the details & they were brilliant. They are putting it on their emergency list as they feel he is definitely at risk & vulnerable & the situation sounds bad. Fingers crossed they can help🤞

Unfortunately DB has had a very difficult time with DF, DB himself is now disabled after a stroke heart attack which has lead to a diagnosis of a rare blood disorder & he is physically & mentally wrecked. DF has been very abusive to him over he last few years, calling him lazy, benefits scrounger etc etc. In between loaning DB Just enough to pay his electric or buy cat food, which DB pays back etc. But making him beg for it, which has seen my brother without food or power for days. DB has been one of those awful case you read about on the internet where a previously successful man loses everything thanks to taking ill & the benefits system letting him down. He's about to be homeless himself as it was all sorted out too late. He just can't handle the stress at all & gets so agitated talking about dad I worry he'll have another stroke etc. So he is insisting he's had enough & won't contact dad again. I think the goady messages from DF on DFs answerphone telling him not to commit suicide, mentioned so many times DB felt he was goading him & "we" are hear if you need us etc


So it's only me & I'm the other end of the country with health problems myself too.

Speaking to his bank is a good idea, I'll try that too. I'm pretty sure he paid off a dept for her of about £500, so that will show up & might help the situation too 🤞

[RockinHippy]

Weirdly his behaviour is well documented in this sort of financial abuse situation too. Apparently lots of online reading on the councils websites etc, so they are taking it ver seriously

[RockinHippy]

Copa to be honest I don't know her name. Dad initially referred to her as "the floozie upstairs" & after his opinion changed & he got involved & I said what I thought of the situation didn't mention her again to me until the last bust up where he calls her "my girlfriend"

If this is NW coastal town though, it's a possibility?

[CoperCabana]

No the location makes it unlikely that this is the same person. I have an elderly relative with a very similar sounding person in his life which is very worrying so I really feel for you. Glad you have taken some action.

[bionicnemonic]

www.alz.org/national/documents/latino_brochure_diabetes.pdf

[bionicnemonic]

www.alzheimers.org.uk/research/our-research/research-projects/investigating-relationship-between-diabetes-and-dementia

[allthekingsshoes]

Glad SS of some help.

[Namethecat]

As hard as this is to hear - he is probably getting his bits felt by her so of course is acting like a giddy 15 year old. You have his best interests at heart ( as well as your db ) but I fear adult services may well come to the conclusion he has enough capacity to do as he wishes. Hopefully a conversation with them will at least give him the opportunity of seeing it from an outsiders prospective . Good luck.

[RockinHippy]

To update... SS called back yesterday & though they agree it sounds dodgy as hell, they can't do anything without the woman's name 😐. I have to somehow get that for them when DF has never referred to her by name to either me or DB. Looks like for DFs sake I need to try & speak to him, though expect a load of abuse, if he'll speak at all. DB has had it with him, doesn't believe it's anything more than DF Just being a nasty old git & won't try to speak to him. Though after the abuse he's had recently, I can kind of see his point, but I don't think DB is thinking so rationally either with all that he has going on health wise.

Looks like I'm going to have to try & be just as manipulative with DF to get her name, if he'll speak to me at all. DB s opinion is that he thinks he has someone else to nurse him in his old age, so we are surplus to requirements. I'm too bloody honest for these sorts of games, so it's going to take a very deep breath & to put my work hat on.

Name unfortunately & as much as I don't like to think about it, you are spot on, he's been rubbing DBs nose in the gory details for the last few weeks, like it's some sort of a competition that makes him more macho than his very ill son. It's nuts 🤢

[Namethecat]

Rather than confront him directly - could you ask any neighbours/ friends of his ?

[RockinHippy]

I wish name, I think he's fallen out with most of them.

I did have the number for his local cafe where he was a regular & they knew him well & they offered to keep an eye on him for me, but he's "binned them off as they are crap & I'm a regular so shouldn't have to reserve a table" I think he screamed & swore at them last time he went in & they didn't have a seat for him & hasn't been back since. He's fallen out with his other similarly elderly lady neighbour too, no idea what that ones about, but Ive had words with him in the past about his behaviour towards her after they fell out. Things like blocking her way out of her flat with his car, especially nasty as she's blind, even if she is a formidable ball breaker of a woman, she's still elderly & registered blind. That could concerned me tbh, again it seemed childish & out of character

[bionicnemonic]

Electoral register?

[Namethecat]

He certainly doesn't sound like a nice man at all .