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Would you send this email?

(19 Posts)
Figureof80 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:25:38

I am in the throes of trying to get my dad into residential care. He is a widower, has dementia and I think it has progressed to a point where he can no longer be cared for safely in his home. I am his main carer. I have a brother but he lives ~500 miles away and is largely absent from Dad’s life. I have written previously on the disparity in our contribution to Dad’s care. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dementia/3127158-useless-brother

Brother and SIL are on holiday at the moment in S. Korea visiting their daughter who is working there. I sent brother an email updating him on the outcome of Dad’s interview with the old age psychiatrist. She agrees with me that Dad has had a severe cognitive decline and is no longer safe living by himself. Brother’s response was, “So what do we do now, start looking for suitable homes?”

This is what I feel like writing in response:

^“So what do we do now?”

Well I guess I continue driving up and down that bloody road like a yo yo, using up my leave ferrying him around to various appointments and interviews, organising sigmoidoscopies for his bowel disorders, cooking for him, ordering his shopping, entertaining him, organising his care at home, organising maintenance for his house, paying his bills, doing his financial return for the care payments, organising carers pension, picking up his faeces smeared tissues, finding the faeces smeared surprises in nooks and crannies round the house, doing his faeces smeared laundry, plus assess future care homes and organise the required “immediate needs annuity”. (Let’s ignore the fact that I have a job as well and we can just forget that I ever had a life outside of Dad).

While you continue to enjoy your holiday in S. Korea. Says it all really doesn’t it? Scotland is too distant for you to visit your elderly, ailing father more than once every six months and oh my god far far far too distant for you to help with his care but it’s no trouble at all for you to travel half way round the world to visit your perfectly happy and healthy daughter. I am not his only family member. He has a son, a daughter-in-law and two grandchildren all of whom he has loved and cared for as long as he has known them. I am not his only family member but I might as well be. Enjoy Korea you selfish tossers.^

Would you send it, or just accept life isn’t fair, his reply was actually pretty innocuous and probably doesn’t deserve this response?

ragged Sat 11-Aug-18 21:34:17

You can't send that email, unless you really think it would make them all turn into more supportive people?

Difficult as this situation is, it sounds like you can make choices without brother interfering (say if I'm wrong). So seize that. Ask around for recommendations & visit some homes & choose the best you can & tell your brother the decision & demand any financial support you need from him to make it happen.

You can't change all your relatives, you can do your part so that your conscience is clear that you did your best.

When it's not so raw I think a piece of your mind about how they could have done much more for your dad would be worthwhile, but not when you're tired & emotional about it.

ParkheadParadise Sat 11-Aug-18 21:48:41

Don't sent it. My mum had dementia. I was lucky as I could give up my job to care for her. I have 5 siblings, honestly it was a nightmare. When the time came for her to go into a home world war 3 broke out.
My 2 brother's who never done much they would come in her 10mins on their way home at night. Went bonkers and told me no way was mum going in a home! It was horrendous we all ended up fighting and arguing amongst ourselves.
When she eventually went in they didn't visit much because it was too upsetting for them😯.

My conscious was clear when my mum passed away I knew I had done the best I could for her. Families are all different and you can't change that unfortunately.
Good luck.

DelphiniumBlue Sat 11-Aug-18 21:54:47

Don't send that email, although I can see it would have been cathartic writing it.
Your brother had suggested that " we" look for homes, and that is something he can help with at a distance.
Tell him yes, good idea, and can he start looking. Maybe tell him you would also like a holiday and when can he come and take over from you for a few weeks.

AppleKatie Sat 11-Aug-18 21:55:27

Don’t send it. There’s no point it would only bring you more aggro.

Lay out what the next steps are and if you know which home you prefer.

Think carefully about if there is anything he can do remotely that will actually help you and tell him to do it.

Assess your dads needs yourself - you are by far and away the best person to do this and you know it (even if you -understandably- don’t like it) and then work out what you want to happen next and tell him.

Of course you want him to sort himself out and help meaningfully but you need to be realisistic for your own sanity- he isn’t going to be.

SuperSuperSuper Sat 11-Aug-18 21:59:30

I appreciate how hard it's been OP but don't send that. He'll be furious. The repercussions could cause you yet more stress.

If my DC lived thousands of miles away, I'd miss them badly and would prioritise visiting them over travelling to my parent tbh.

Give him a call when he returns from S Korea and discuss it all calmly.

TokyoSushi Sat 11-Aug-18 21:59:37

I would just send back simply 'what do you suggest, and now are you going to help?'

Sounds awful OP thanksthanks

TokyoSushi Sat 11-Aug-18 22:00:05

**how are you going to help

rabbitmat Sat 11-Aug-18 22:01:13

Don't send it. I have a sibling who does nothing to help our elderly parents or PIL and just carries on with a completely carefree existence. The way I view it is that I have made a choice to care. I could stop caring too, but no matter how hard it is I don't want to. I can't make my sibling care and stressing about it will only make things worse for me.

mistlethrush Sat 11-Aug-18 22:05:00

I'm still cross with my BiL who managed to visit twice during the time MiL was particularly ill... and had the nerve to ask for recommendations on FB for books suitable for someone that was 'recuperating' (she was dying at the time). And who expected me to let someone in, and indeed, help them move furniture that he had decided he wanted from her house, without bothering to be in the country even....

So I completely understand your frustration - but I'm sure you know that it's not going to help even if you do send it.

stressedtiredbuthappy Sat 11-Aug-18 22:11:41

Sorry I disagree with pp send it and I hope any inheritance is massively in your favour.

SassitudeandSparkle Sat 11-Aug-18 22:15:21

Don't send it. I appreciate your frustration with the whole situation and your brother's inactivity but I really don't think it will make you feel any better if you hit send on it. Quite the opposite.

Floralnomad Sat 11-Aug-18 22:21:29

I agree with rabbitmat , we are in a similar situation and it’s annoying but ultimately you choose the path you take.

thesandwich Sat 11-Aug-18 22:28:22

Much as you might really want to send it, it is unlikely to change anything.
I would send a very factual email saying what needs to be done and what you want him to do. And I have to say in some ways making the decisions alone is easier in some ways and just telling siblings avoids a lot of aggro sometimes. And telling them tha5 you expect support for what actions you take.

JustHereForThePooStories Sat 11-Aug-18 22:33:04

I don’t think it’d be productive.

How about something along the lines of-

I’m very relieved to see you saying “we”! I won’t lie, it’s been a struggle and too much for one person, so give me a call when you’re back from your holiday and we can talk about what we each need to do to move this along for dad

Figureof80 Sun 12-Aug-18 08:22:22

Thank you all. Good advice. I'm so glad I asked the question here before clicking send.

MyOtherProfile Sun 12-Aug-18 08:28:17

What JustHereForThePooStories has suggested is great. I'd send that. Or something that basically says I can't sustain the level of care I've been giving while also working so I'm glad you're offering to help move on to the next step. Please come up as soon as you are back and we can look at options.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 Sun 12-Aug-18 08:29:07

"Db, good - I'm glad you said 'we'...I was hoping that you'd take the reins for this part as I'm feeling exhausted from all the travelling and help I've been giving dad and have found it a struggle on my own. Let's talk when you get back"

seven201 Sun 12-Aug-18 12:24:04

Dear DB, I'm so glad you said "we". I am really struggling at the moment with caring for Dad. I need help, before I break. For a start could you start looking into care homes? Call me when you're back and we can go through your list. Love to dSil and DN.

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