Obligation to care?

[InASarnie]

I would like to chat with others who have found themselves feeling obligated to take on the role of carer.

I’m in my late 30’s and have already provided care (including end of life) to two elderly relatives. I don’t find this type of role comes naturally to me but there were no other capable family members around and it was the right thing to do out of love. This is now coming to an end. I am feeling some relief st

My mum seems to waiting in line to fill what she sees as a vacant position to have me as carer. Undoubtedly she does have significant health problems and very poor mobility and I feel guilty but I have 3 small children of my own to look after and was looking forward to feeling less stressed about rushing backwards and forwards caring for someone else in another house. She lives 20mins away. How can I handle this? Is this just my future? It feels bleak. But I guess we don’t get to choose what happens to our family members.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

[InASarnie]

Bump

[Bl00Curtainz]

What would your DM do if you didn't live close ? If she has mobility issues get all aids into the house. Get medicine delivered free by the pharmacy. Can you set up online shopping. Is she claiming all benefits that she is entitled to ? What happens if you are sick or on holiday ? Can she pay for a cleaner, gardener. Has she been to doctor to find out if her mobility can improve ?

[thesandwich]

This sounds awful. Have you checked out local services which could help her? You deserve your own life and your children too.
Contact age uk/ carers network to see what help can be provided.... and stand firm.

[Bl00Curtainz]

Do you work ? Get a paid job. Then you will be less available for caring duties.

[Poudrenez]

I'm coming to the end of my 'care journey' with my Dad. I slept walked into much more of a caring role than I actually want and it's been extraordinarily depleting, and has put a strain on many of my other relationships. The one peice of advice I would give to anyone in your position is, before you get sucked into the role of carer, to think about what you actually want to do, stick to it and try not to feel guilty. You are important, and it's quite right that you should put yourself and your family first - no-one else is going to do that for you.

[InASarnie]

@Bl00Curtainz one of my dc is only weeks old so work isn’t on the horizon.

[InASarnie]

She’s receiving all the benefits she can and has a cleaner/deliveries for shopping etc. It’s the personal care help and daily little jobs round the house thanks she needs help with. She gets help from a friend some days but feels she can’t ‘expect’ this whereas she firmly believes that it’s a child’s role to provide care for elderly/disabled parents. I feel she is looking to lock me in to a commitment to provide the day to day care she needs when she needs it. I guess I feel I need to talk this all through with people who’ve experienced similar in how to resist being drawn in. Or am I being selfish and unreasonable in wanting to resist it?

[EggysMom]

she firmly believes that it’s a child’s role to provide care for elderly/disabled parents

You have my sympathy. My DM shares the same belief, I'm not looking forward to her becoming infirm.

[InASarnie]

I feel so guilty. She isn’t particularly old. But is in poor health. I don’t know what the alternative is and how will I feel when I’m old or infirm? Will I end up looking to my children to care for me?

[JontyDoggle37]

The alternative is that she pays for carers to do her personal care and other things. It will take a frank conversation with your mum that your circumstances are different now you have a third child and you cannot provide that level of assistance.

[missedith01]

Do you think she is really in need of a carer or is it more that she wants you around? I certainly don't think you are being selfish to devote your energies to a new baby, it's hard to see how you could do anything else. Could you rule out anything happening in the short term, and discuss what might be the next step to happen in, say 6-12 months. But make that step something that's not you taking on responsibility immediately, perhaps a social care assessment to see what:s available?

[Imchlibob]

It is OK to say no. You have a baby just weeks old. Your children need you.

Practice saying "it's such a shame I can't possibly do this now I have 3 little ones - but I think I close to burned myself out looking after Aunty Agatha - it would be awful to actually reach breaking point trying to stretch myself too thinly and end up letting you down."

She will need to pay for help if there are no appropriate family members to help. You have already done more than your dairy share.

[petrolpump28]

This is such a difficult area. Can your mother afford care?

This is the way to go......

[petrolpump28]

I think any person say approaching 70 should have an honest conversation and make plans. It is selfish not to.

[Poudrenez]

I guess I feel I need to talk this all through with people who’ve experienced similar in how to resist being drawn in

Yes, this is the tricky bit, you're going to have to stand firm which for many of us is rather a daunting prospect; it sounds like you're being put under a lot of pressure. Also, your mum isn't respecting your boundaries which isn't on. This website has all sorts of useful tips on parents/boundaries/standing firm. It is a site largely for people struggling with other people's personality disorders, not that I am suggesting your mother has one! But I've got quite a lot out of it. In particular the idea of JADE, which you might find useful. Basically say no, then don't:

Justify
Apologise
Defend
Explain

I'm quite JADE-y and it's a great way to undermine yourself.

Sacrificing yourself for your parents may be one of her values, but it doesn't have to be one of yours. It's certainly not mine!

[InASarnie]

Oh @Poudrenez how you’ve hit the nail on the head - she so fits the profile of having a personality disorder that I couldn’t believe it the first time I read the list of features of narcissistic personality disorder. It has helped me understand and stand back from some behaviours but it doesn’t always help me know how to manage interactions as I’m the only one around to do some things. Sacrificing everything for a parent is something she expects from me but wasn’t something she felt the need to do herself. Same with boundaries. I’ve never been allowed them! This is why it’s especially hard to know how to move forward now because I just can’t allow myself to be completely absorbed by her needs and wants.

[InASarnie]

That website is brilliant - I’ve not seen it before

[Poudrenez]

@InASarnie if you like that website you might also like the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board. There are lots of people in a similar boat to you/us!

[Poudrenez]

I'm wondering if maybe you're panicking about the overwhelming threat of being your mum's carer, in which case, can you start saying no to the smaller things? I think it's a habit that one has to get into. And maybe when you do it, notice what you're feeling, keep checking in with yourself. For me, saying no to my demanding stepmother brings up feelings of guilt. And I don't have to just accept that, that's not my idea of a relationship that I want.

Also, I have realised that my stepmother has no idea what a boundary is, and doesn't care what I think about it. So, I can only set boundaries with myself, for example no I will not answer the phone to her after 21.00, and no I will not move in to her house. I know that I will not break these promises to myself, and that gives me some re-assurance. Maybe have a think about what promises you can make for yourself, write them down here if it helps!

[Poudrenez]

The 'Gray Rock' technique might be a useful one to look up, if you need to protect yourself from any drama, too.

[InASarnie]

Thank you @Poudrenez - all so helpful.

[InfiniteVariety]

Do you have siblings OP?

[InASarnie]

Nope. No one.

[InASarnie]

I like that idea about setting boundaries for myself.

[KC225]

On a practical note when you put into place some of the blocking techniques, perhaps you can set aside a few set hours per week for 'admin' if she wants something posted, collected, sorted out. Tell her save it for Thursday afternoon and I'll do it then. Keep repeating 'you know I'm busy with the children, it can wait till Thursday'

I agree with the poster above, does she actually need you at the moment to do things everyday or is she bored/lonely? Doss she have a tablet/computer to contact people - my friends mum joined a Facebook page of the local town she gre up and there is a constant of stream of old photos and memoires from a comminity.