Anyone not gone to beloved parents funeral

[Nearlyoldenoughtowearpurple]

I know this seems really odd, but don’t flame me. My dad is terminally ill, I am doing all I can to help and support him, toilet trips,showers, whatever is needed, and I will carry on doing that to keep him at home as long as he wants that. I love him to bits.
I just can’t bear to even think about actually going to his funeral though. I’m a very private person and I know I will be distraught . I know it sounds self centred but I really don’t know if I can face it. Am spending nights silently crying in bed just at the thought of it. I know part of that is just that it will mark the end but part of that is the funeral itself.the whole concept just seems so maudlin if you are not religious which neither of us are.
My mum on the other hand is writing down song choices and planning food ! We are all different !
Seems such a taboo not to go and I know my dad knows how much I love him , my mum would have other support.
I know this is crazy and I have to go , any coping strategies ?

[happyinherts]

I understand where you're coming from. I had similar thoughts, but when the time came I thought I would regret it later if I didn't attend. By that time actually I wanted to go - a final goodbye. Difficult to put into words here, but I don't think I'd have been able to move on properly if I hadn't.

I think as time progresses, you'll see things in a different light. You can support / be supported by other family members and perhaps take comfort from being there.

Sincerely hope you make the decision that's right for you.
x

[annandale]

I would strongly consider asking your gp about medication when the time comes, if it would help.

You might find that you are in a different place when it happens. At dh's funeral i had the incredible pleasure of hearing his best friends talk about him with such affection, and of seeing friends and relatives make the effort to support us. I cried at the graveside but otherwise it was a really meaningful day and not traumatic compared to the death and immediate aftermath.

for you.

[Spudina]

I went to my Mum's funeral when I was 16. It my first funeral and the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was really embarrassed about crying in front of people, and thought everyone would be staring at me. So I made myself not cry. But I absolutely do not regret going. I would have never gotten over not going. It's gonna be a tough day no doubt, but I honestly think you should go. For yourself and for your Dad. Go and give him the send off he deserves.

[RaininSummer]

I know what you mean. I felt on the edge of hysteria on the day of my Dads funeral. I sipped my whisky hip flask on the way which took the edge off (wasnt driving obv). I think you may regret not going. It was lovely to hear from everyone who cared about him and play some carefully chosen music. It is hard to control emotions but you wont be the only one crying. Your mum may need you there emotionally too even though you say she us being all matter of fact at present. We don't do religion. It was more of a humanist thing.

[FadedRed]

No one in their right minds would 'flame you', Op.
It's a hard and heavy journey ahead of you, and things are always worse in the wee small dark hours when your head takes you places you don't want to go.
Be gentle on yourself, take each day one at a time, and don't even imagine crossing bridges until you come to them.
In regard to going or not going to the funeral, wait until the day, then decide. Don't anticipate it. Don't imagine it. Don't make yourself go in your head many time before the real event.

[Kittykat93]

I had to take diazepam for both of my parents funerals. I also got steaming drunk at both wakes. Couldn't cope with it whatsoever and look back and cringe at my behaviour.

I think you'll regret it if you don't go. You'll probably feel different when the time comes. Sorry you're going through this

[Nearlyoldenoughtowearpurple]

Thanks all for your helpful replies and I’m sorry you have all had these experiences.
Yes, that’s a good idea re not thinking about it too much now, it’s going to happen so no point agonising over it, that’s very sensible advice .
I think Valium might be helpful too, am too much of a light weight with alcohol to risk that option, could end badly !
Feel better already for sharing, not something I could discuss irl, thanks guys x

[2blueshoes]

I think you will regret it if you don't go but, the most important thing is that you are doing all you can for him now, when he needs you.

I firmly believe funerals are for the living, not the dead. If your mom is ok with it, you just have to think what is best for you (going might be). You love him, he knows you love him, that's the most important thing.

[Penfold007]

I've lost both my DF and DSF in the last few weeks, I loved them both. I needed to be there to ensure everything went 'correctly'. I didn't want to be 'there' but was remarkably calm. Today, Father's Day' I'm a mess.

[user1471453601]

Remember, as well, your Mum may be being practical in order to get herself through these days. I was the same when Mum died. I was all about arranging the funeral, sorting out her house etc. It was all displacement acitivity. I truly needed the support of my family on the day, and for days afterwards.

We had a humanist service for Mum, it was all about her, the things she'd achieved, the things she had done. Although it was painful to arrange, it was wonderful to hear all that in one half hour service.

Like you, I'm quite a private person and hated crying in public. But no one commented on my tears, they all had there own, so mine were not remarkable.

Here is a hug (())). Be as brave as you can manage, and don't beat yourself up when you cannot manage.

[Otterseatpuffinsdontthey]

Hello OP
Took flowers up to cemetery today, for Fathers Day. Looking at the inscription - cannot believe it will be 10 years (September) since he died. I miss him, and my mum, every day.
Don't miss your dad's funeral - you'll regret it if you don't go. I wouldn't advise taking medication - you may miss parts of the service.
It's ok to cry - as much as you want/need.
I didn't go to my much loved, maternal Grandmother's funeral (1975) - a longtime regret.
Your mum's present "coping" strategy is just that. You will need each other on the day

[MizCracker]

I understand how you feel. But ultimately, no one wants to go to a funeral. Everyone dreads them, but once the worst bit is over (the service that is) there's a feeling of peace and relief that their life has been commemorated and you've done right by that person. That's how it felt when my grandparents died, anyway.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

I went to my Dad’s funeral last week. I put so much thought into arranging it and it went exactly as planned. Yes, I cried at times but managed to do his eulogy, parts of which got some laughs! I’ll always be glad I went. It seemed like the last thing I could do for him and he deserved a lovely funeral.

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

I didn't go to my dad's funeral abroad but I loved him dearly, nor did my sibling. No regrets. I had small children and not much money at the time. My mum (although we don't really get on) supported my desicion and had support herself. She's quite a simple and very selfish soul and apparently she turned the whole funeral thing very religious although she's never been religious before and my dad was an atheist.
He drank himself to death and that took about 15 terrible years. His final few years I saw him once and was shocked. I shouldn't but in part blame my mum for this (she enabled it and minimized it, theirs was not a happy marriage). I'm extremely happy and lucky he was such an amazing father when I was young. I still "talk" to him (the way he was) every day. My final words to him on the phone on Father's Day the year he died was "I love you, you have been an amazing father."

[petrolpump28]

since you know it is impending , sadly, how about making very specific plans to protect yourself.
Be very clear about whats happening and when.

[SoddingUnicorns]

If you can’t face going you shouldn’t be under pressure to go.

I had diazepam for Mum’s funeral, Dad needed me to hold it together and without medication that wouldn’t have happened. It didn’t stop it being hard, just dulled it a bit.

[brizzledrizzle]

Sorry to hear about your father.

If you do go then you won't be the only person in tears and people won't notice who is and isn't crying. If you were about all you'd experience is a sympathetic glance and the offer of a tissue/hanky.

I've been in a very similar situation to you and was unable to go to the funeral for various very complex reasons. It was tough not to be able to go so I'd go if you could.

Perhaps what your Mum is doing is her coping strategy? Could you get involved with that and then see how you feel about going?

It's not wrong if you don't go, you have to do what is right for you at the time but it's hard to miss a funeral and then regret it.

[Thundersky]

I think it's fine to not attend a funeral. My aunt couldn't bear funerals and used to be the one back at the house sorting out the wake, getting the kettle boiled and tea stuff laid out etc. It was her job and we all understood that was what she did at a family funeral. You do what is best for you OP.

[Namethecat]

Because you are grieving , you will be in a bubble so to a degree it will be over in a flash.

[Ishouldntbesolucky]

Funerals are for the living. Your dad knows you love him and that's the most important thing.

Do whatever you need to that's best for you

[HollowTalk]

We had a three week wait for the funeral after my dad died and that did make it a lot easier. We'd all come to terms with his death, which was both expected and a relief that he died the way he did.

There was no eulogy - he'd forbidden it - and I think he was right. I don't think my mum would've coped with it and none of us felt strong enough to do it, either. It didn't mean he was less loved, just that we were able to keep on top of our emotions.

[lynmilne65]

My mum died when I was 14 and wasn't allowed to attend her funeral, am 67 now and still bitterly resentful.

[Poudrenez]

No flames from me OP .

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If you really don't want to go, then that's your right and no-one can judge you for it. However, I do agree with the general response here that you will regret it if you don't. I was dreading my lovely little brother's funeral, it seemed so confrontational in a way, facing up to his death. But it was lovely in the end. And think about the layout of the room - you won't be on stage, facing everyone and crying. You'll all be facing in the same direction, so no-one can see your face. It's fairly private in that way.