Struggling with my mums negativity and insults

[JontyDoggle37]

My mum is 80, and very frail for her age, has carers twice a day, I handle all her finances, order her shipping and put it away when it comes, and deal with most of her other life admin. Thankfully she is well off enough to afford a cleaner, and her sister also helps her during the week when I’m working.
I know I can’t change her, so I’m trying my best to change how I react to it, but it’s so hard. She rings me every morning, and she will always have something negative to say. I appreciate she is often in pain, and this probably contributes to her life outlook, but equally anything you suggest to help us usually met with ‘that won’t work’.
I see her every weekend, and she usually manages to insult me somehow - last week telling me I’d put in weight and my clothes were too tight (I’ve just lost 3/4 of a stone), and this morning telling me I looked very tired yesterday. Written down, maybe this doesn’t sound so bad, but the tone it comes with is always so critical. She will always criticise me for ‘doing too much’ as well, but would never dream of not asking me to do the things she wants. I think she had my dad at her beck and call for so many years and since he died a few years ago, she expects I will fill that role. My DH is fantastic in supporting me and trying to cheer me up when she’s hurt me again, but I end up acting really short and stroppy with her, because I know it’s comibg, that somehow she will find ways to be negative or critical. I don’t really know what I expect from this post, hustbbeeded ti get it out I guess. I cant armour plate my brain against her comments.

[JontyDoggle37]

Sorry loads of typos 😳

[Pippylou]

Mine does this, it gets very wearing indeed.

[thesandwich]

Hi Jonty I know exactly what you mean..... and how it can hurt.
Lots of us on the main elderlies board struggle with trying not to let them get to us..... we talk about metaphorically applying the Teflon prior to phone call/ visit to try and protect us. Maintaining our identity and sense of self is crucial- how they see us is NOT who we are. Big fan of treat therapy and 🍫🍫🍷🍷to help.

[JontyDoggle37]

Thank you both, it’s good to know I’m not the only one facing this. I’m on a diet at the moment, so the chocolate/wine therapy is out, but the Teflon coating is a good idea. I’ve also thought about trying to make it funny, like insult bingo or something, and laughing about it (hopefully instead of taking it to heart). It’s a weird combination at the moment of feeling like I’ve already lost my mum and I’m looking after someone else’s mum, and also the scales falling from eyes a bit about how she has always treated/spoken to me. I’m also trying to maintain the memories of the all good things she did and said when I was younger, so the now doesn’t blot out the past. I know I’m very fortunate as many of you are dealing with parents with dementia, and that must be infinitely harder.

[Pippylou]

I like the idea of insult bingo. I'd only been round my mum's for an hour and was sat on the toilet last week (dark and quiet as it's internal, I go hide in there) and was counting how many digs she'd got in.

They're all just a bit predicatable tho, so it's not only wearing but boring!

[Jammycustard]

Could you tell her you won’t be coming round until she cans the insults?

[Pippylou]

That really doesn't work, a) because (if you mention it) it's me being oversensitive (!) and b) no self-awareness, so doesn't even think she's being insulting, it's just normal conversation. Eg, "only saying this so you can do things better..." There is always a justification.

I don't visit that often, any less, it'd be pretty much NC except for calls.

[ThePerfect1IThinkNot]

I have to go through this too. My DM has always been like this but old age, memory loss and lack of stimulation just make it worse.

I know if I take her out it does her good but I would so much prefer just to do things by myself as she sees negativity in everything we do. She is not like it with other people but only has one or two friends left and will not make any effort to have contact with other people.

[Panga63]

My aunt is like this - no filter between her brain and her mouth (which has got a lot worse and shes so rude and wonders why folk stop talking to her). Her glass is not only half empty but its broken - and it's everyone elses fault. She's an emotional vampire and will never change as she gets defensive and argues when we point things out. Never says please or thank you. Other family have stopped visiting her and the few friends she did have have died or unable to visit.
I do like the idea of bingo! "I've put on/lost too much weight/ look haggard or tired/do too much running her bloody errands.
Terrible thing to say but when she pops off i'll be glad she's gone.

[AJPTaylor]

i know what you mean. my mum has been doing this, mainly about weight for years. how i havent just told her to fuck off i dont know.

[seattlepilot]

Hi Jonty, sorry to hear what you’re currently going through, it sounds really tough and understandably would get you down. All hope is not lost though, there are many people who have dealt with negativity in their elderly parents successfully. There are a few things to consider first, namely whether or not your mother is struggling with some sort of illness, pain, or mental disorder. Increased aggressive and/or negativity can be a sign of anything from an infection to dementia, so it could be worth checking out with a doctor. It does sound however that you already have a care team helping your mother, if she is very frail she may be in pain and this could be contributing to her negativity, leading her to take it out on you. Although this behavior is not healthy for you or her, it could be a sign of something much deeper. There is no one right way of approaching such an issue, as everybody’s situation will be uniquely difficult, but it is worth asking yourself when this behavior started. Has she always been like this, or is it relatively new? If it is relatively new, it may be worth seeking further treatment.
The most important thing is to make sure you are looking after yourself, perhaps taking a break from speaking to your mother every day, or seeing a therapist to help you process your experiences with your mother, everyone copes in different ways. You may want to check out the book “A bittersweet season: caring for our aging parents, and ourselves” by Jane Gross. I have personally found this book very helpful, and hopefully it can help you navigate this difficult time.

• Marc Lilly, CEO of Concierge Care Advisors. Seattle, WA

[cherrytrees123]

My mother is like this, not as bad, but it's getting worse. She has always been hyper critical and quite spiteful, but as she's got older she can say some breathtakingly hurtful things and doesn't seem to have any idea how wounding it is. She will turn on me , sometimes when I am least expecting it, and put the knife in. Last year when I was going through hell on earth, she put the phone down on me saying i was 'impossible'. I was so so upset. Since then I have stopped phoning her and can barely speak to her or see her. it's so sad.
She used to be a very negative person, but I said something about how much it depressed me and she has stopped the doom and gloom statements, but she is rude and spiteful. I feel like she's a stranger these days. I don't live near her which helps, but we literally have nothing to say to each other. If I had to visit her regularly I would really struggle.
I have not mastered the 'Teflon' approach, She still wounds me with every remark . I wonder if it is early dementia sometimes, but she has never liked me much to be honest. I think the filters are just not there in the same way.