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End is near

(21 Posts)
Bella912 Sun 10-Jun-18 06:56:07

I just really need to talk. Last week my mother had a stroke, she has other very serious health conditions too. She is in hospital now and will be for some time.

My father is very old and has dementia, I had to put him in care last week when this happened. 2 days ago the care staff told me the end is near, week or so at most. I have tried so hard to keep things together but am juggling daily 70 mike round trips visiting them both, 2 kids and a house move next week.

I have not told my mum yet but feel the time has come I have to and see if I can take her to see him. I will speak with her doctors tomorrow and see if this is possible.

In the midst of it all their house has been burgled. All her jewellery from him and his wedding ring gone.

Last night I think I had a break down. I literally can’t sleep. Can’t eat if I’m not with them I’m just waiting on the call. I am struggling so much and as this has been going on 12 years friends have kind of drifted off. My dh has been great and is trying to hold me together but I know I am
Close to a break down.

Mum worked so hard to keep him at home despite all her own conditions and for him to go now like this is breaking me apart. I don’t want him to be alone at the end but am worried telling my mum will giver her another stroke. But I can’t not tell her. No siblings to help. Am distraught and just needed to talk to someone. Have sat here since 4.30am just dreading the day ahead. I go to see her first and pretend all is ok and he is just fine. I can’t go on like this I just don’t want to loose him this way

Pratchet Sun 10-Jun-18 07:01:21

What a burden and a worry. Sending you hugs and flowers. I can't advise, but I wish you strength for the days ahead 💐💐💐💐

Pratchet Sun 10-Jun-18 07:03:34

Having said I can't advise: if you can't eat, take multi vits, or at least a vit B. For sleeplessness, zinc will help.(Vit B helps me and the zinc helps my DH!)

Pratchet Sun 10-Jun-18 07:05:14

What comes over is that you are so worried about your parents, it's like your own grief at your Dad is being pushed down.

imsorryiasked Sun 10-Jun-18 07:07:30

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position flowers
Firstly speak to your mum's doctors and see what they say.
Can your DH take a week off work and at least sort out the kids (how old are they) and the burglary?
If you're working get yourself signed off now.
Practically - assuming you can't change the date of your house move - get professionals in to pack and to clean, anything to make it easier.
Is there anyone who can visit your mum and dad - a friend / neighbour just to try and give you a break even if just for one day?

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Sun 10-Jun-18 07:08:59

Oh love, I didn’t want to read and run. You sound like an an absolutely amazing daughter, what a huge amount to take on, but have clearly been run ragged of late - both physically and emotionally.

Have you spoken to your DM’s medical team re. your DF and how/when to speak to her about it? It may be worth doing so, if only to put your mind at rest that she can cope with the information.

I’m so sorry your parents are so ill. I know the feeling of dreading the day/night ahead so can sympathise (very different reasons) and find that taking small amounts of time out (10-15 minutes) to do some mindfulness (I use various apps like Headspace & Calm) helps a huge amount.

LidlAngel Sun 10-Jun-18 07:18:04

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Come back on here and post if it helps you vent, we'll be listening thanks

Bella912 Sun 10-Jun-18 07:18:55

Apparently in hospital it would appear to be a skeleton staff at weekends so I have nobody there really that I have been dealing with all week. There is a meeting at 2 tomorrow to discuss my father at the care home. It is with the care staff and his social worker, was to discuss what would happen after 2 weeks as they only have a bed for him until then. Things have obviously changed now.

I intend to meet with my mothers doctor tomorrow and get advice from her. My mum would never forgive me if I did not tell her and give her the chance to see him. But I know seeing him as he is now would hurt her so much and then effect her own recovery. She is on dialysis too and refused it yesterday I’m literally worried sick.

For now I will go have a shower, put on some make up and try to act like all is normal for her. Tomorrow I will break her heart.

My husband has been great, we have our own business so he is juggling everything as I have had to step away for now. My poor kids don’t know what the hell is going on and have been dragged from pillar to post.

Bella912 Sun 10-Jun-18 07:20:01

I haven’t even started cleaning up their house yet still glass everywhere I just can’t go in there yet

LidlAngel Sun 10-Jun-18 07:31:42

Is the house secure now? If so, then leave that for now and just focus on your parents. One thing at a time, you're dealing with a lot at the moment.

thesandwich Sun 10-Jun-18 08:26:42

Bella I am so sorry. You have done an amazing job. You cannot control what happens now but as others say just focus on what must be done. Park or outsource all you can. And do whatever you need to keep going.
Seek out a chaplain type person or social worker at the hospital to support you in talking to your mum. It is possible your dad might rally..... also your mum may be aware deep down how poorly your dad is. Do take her if you can but please get support for you.
if so, is there a hospice near you? Amazing places. Please feel you can offload here- lots of wise ones and also hands to hold. 🌺🌺🌺

thesandwich Mon 11-Jun-18 17:02:38

Thinking of you. 🌺🌺🌺🌺

Bella912 Tue 12-Jun-18 07:21:52

Thank you all. Have been told it will be soon. Had no choice but to tell my mother and she is being taken to see him today. Of course it’s all my fault and would not have happened had she had him at home. She shrugged me off when I tried to hug her. Says something when her nursing staff were comforting me more than they were her.

imsorryiasked Tue 12-Jun-18 08:29:34

Oh OP I'm sorry. Your mum is just lashing out because she's helpless and blaming herself. Dont take it to heart x

BrandNewHouse Tue 12-Jun-18 08:35:40

But it would happen if your Mum was there. As someone said she is lashing out at you (probably feeling her own guilt, also completely unwarranted too).

Would your father want you to feel bad, the Dad you knew in his prime? Not a chance. You are in a truly awful time, and deserve some kindness, starting first from yourself.

thesandwich Tue 12-Jun-18 13:09:08

Oh Bella I am so sorry. Please look after yourself too.

Bella912 Tue 12-Jun-18 16:42:14

Just realised today she is ignoring me completely and my husband (who collected her from hospital and brought her to see my father) reason why?? Breaking in mind she had a stroke 8 days ago - because we wouldn’t buy her cigarettes. Never spoke one word to either of us. I have gone through hell and back and this is how she treats me. I know she is in pain but so am I

thesandwich Tue 12-Jun-18 17:11:19

Oh Bella I am so very sorry. Strokes do affect minds and personalities in many varied ways so some or all of this will be affected by the stroke..... fil changed massively after a stroke.
But it is so so tough for you. Hang on in there, protect yourself, and a hand to hold from me. 🌺🌺🌺🌺

Bella912 Tue 12-Jun-18 18:00:55

No she was utterly awful before the stroke too sadly that’s what makes caring for her even harder

Bella912 Wed 13-Jun-18 15:12:48

Forgetting her!! Amazing news today my father has picked up a little. Prognosis changed from days to probably weeks. Still not long but better news than we had. So happy today

thesandwich Wed 13-Jun-18 19:26:52

Hey! That is great news. Gives you some time. So pace yourself, breathe, and do what matters most.

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