Caring for in-laws affecting my marriage

[anson]

Hi everyone. I've never posted before, but I stumbled across this forum and I needed to vent... Apologies in advance for the length of the post!

PIL are in their 80s and FIL has been physically disabled for many years. MIL is also now struggling with mobility, so over the past couple of years, my DH has gradually done more and more for them.

We are now at a point where he spends at least 3 hours a day helping them. He goes every morning to help them get up and every evening to help put them to bed. His type of work means he is able to be there most days, although on the occasions that he can't, they do manage.

He also takes them to all of their medical appointments, of which there are many. They live in a very large house, so he does any jobs that need doing, plus gardening - mowing their lawns alone takes 2 days!

DH doesn't mind and would carry on doing this (and more) forever. He says he hates to see them struggle. Whilst I understand this, I think it is unfair that he is expected to do everything. Both PIL are fully compos mentis, and are quite wealthy, but they refuse to take any responsibility for themselves. MIL has said that she could never have carers in the house and care homes are 'cruel'.

He has (at my request) spoken to his sister about her helping out, but she says she's too busy. He has accepted this without question and says that he will continue to do what he feels is right. There are plenty of other family members who could help out. But no-one else is ever asked, and no-one else ever offers. PIL seem to like my DH to do everything, and they never hesitate to ask for exactly what they want, even if it's trivial 'wants' rather than needs. He never ever says no, he is a very kind, laid back man and nothing is too much trouble.

Meanwhile, I'm left to keep our home running, mostly alone, and our relationship is suffering. There are some weeks when he is so wrapped up in them, we barely see each other. I feel trapped and resentful of the fact that we have to live by their timetable every single day, and it will only get worse as they get older and more frail.

We are going round in circles arguing about it all. DH says he knows the situation is difficult and he understands what I am saying, but he won't do anything about it. He has previously agreed to having 2 days 'off' from them, so that we would have some time together, but he doesn't stick to it. It all makes me feel disrespected and insignificant. I'm having to compete for his time - and I'm never going to win against 2 elderly, disabled people. They physically need him more, but I need him too - he is my husband! Am I being unreasonable?

[timeistight]

I don't think you are. Your DH is obviously a compassionate and caring man, which is all good, but he is your DH as well as their DS.

Is it time for them to have some paid help (with the lawns for example) or to downsize? Are these conversations your DH should be having with them?

[Dozer]

Sounds really hard and the relationship is paying the consequences of your DH prioritising his parents. What is his medium to long term plan? What would his sibling like to happen?

Do you have DC?

[VimFuego101]

Do you have kids?

It sounds like there needs to be a longer term plan in place. For now they only need him to get up and go to bed, but when they need someone to make lunch/ help them to the toilet/ full time supervision if one of them develops dementia or similar, what then? What kind of house do they live in, could they downsize or look at mobility aids to help them stay independent? It sounds like this is unsustainable long term and it would be better to make plans while they still have choices about what they would like.

[Ickyockycocky]

Your DH is a very caring, compassionate man but his parents are taking advantage of him. He is neglecting you, whilst doing all this care for his parents. You say you have argued about it all and he agrees to things but doesn't stick to it.

I'm wondering whether there is more to this than him helping his parents. He seems to prefer being round at theirs rather than being at home. Is there any reason for this? Has your relationship deteriorated to the point where he wants to be somewhere else?

If that's not the reason and he's just helping them out, then you need to lay down some new ground rules. Either he spends more time with you or you want to separate from him.

[annandale]

Oh this is ridiculous. Clearly they need to move, now, to a house/garden that's easy to look after, and they need to sort carers out. what if your dh broke his leg, or died? What would they do then? He will still have to do plenty even if they have carers going in. Talk to them about their parents - did they care for them, all four of them, right to the bitter end, at this sort of age, in a huge impractical house?

You MUST have your dh on side; tell him he is risking his marriage for his parents. Your MIL can't just make these statements and not have arguments back. You are being completely reasonable. As soon as you have got some kind of agreement from your dh, book a week away for the two of you and ask your PILs for solutions (carers being the obvious, but respite care in a care home also has potential).

[anson]

Thank you so much for your replies.

We don’t have children - but I don’t think the situation would be any different if we did. I’d just be even more frustrated!

One of the reasons I fell in love with him is that he is so kind and caring. He’s the first person there when anyone needs a hand. But I hadn’t bargained for there being no boundaries.

Our relationship outside of this issue is really good, and I know we both want to make it work. But the longer it goes on, the more let down I feel. One of his arguments is that he wouldn’t mind if the situation were reversed. And I know he wouldn’t - he is so laid back, but I would never put us in that situation.

He should be having conversations about the future with his parents but he won’t. He thinks it would kill them to leave their home. His mother talks about ‘keeping some dignity’ for FIL as he is completely incontinent and she doesn’t want strangers carrying out his personal care.

His sister has previously said that they’ll have to get carers, but knowing they don’t want to, it’s easier to leave him to do it. They are not a family that plans things. None of this has ever been properly discussed. DH just gradually did more and more and more. There’s a sort of arrogance / denial about the current situation and likely future situation.

They didn’t care for any of their parents - it’s an argument I’ve used before! They have no idea of the impact this is having. Or if they do, they don’t care. I just get the occasional verbal ‘pat on the head’ for ‘letting’ him do it.

I don’t want to make him choose them or me, but if compromise doesn’t work, I really don’t know what to do.

[annandale]

'He thinks it would kill them to leave their home'

Why does he think something so ludicrous? People move all the time. Death is very rarely the result. Yes, sometimes people leave it too late to move and it's a fucking nightmare for the families involved trying to care for extremely elderly people in totally unsuitable houses in the wrong place.

Again, what are they going to do when you go for your week away? Book it tonight. Actually, make it two weeks. Late May is lovely in Kephalonia I believe - the flowers should still be out, but it should be warm enough to swim in the sea. What are they going to do?

(I am being very grumpy about this - as you might guess, we are in the middle of trying to get my mother to move, for the fourth time in two years. It is horrendous. It would actually be easier if she just stuck to her guns and said she wants to stay where she is, but she keeps saying that she wants to move. But getting her to let us help/do it for her is like pulling teeth.)

[annandale]

(And my PILs are in the wrong house too. They've only lived there a couple of decades, but all the neighbours they liked have died, it's in the middle of nowhere while they are increasingly struggling to drive, the stairs are a deathtrap and there is no shower downstairs so every time MIL has an injury she is trapped upstairs. AARGH. A flat! A bungalow! In a town! Come on! They have shedloads of money but AAARGH!)

[Needmoresleep]

Your DH appears to have a problem setting boundaries with his parents.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, and though personally I can rail against siblings that won't help I can see why your SiL would want to avoid being sucked in to propping up the unsustainable.

Your iLs are being unreasonable. They have the funds to pay to maintain their house and garden, and for carers, yet expect your DH to do this free of charge. I would think a bit about why he is so unwilling to push back. Probably the most difficult thing for most of us is this relationship shift from being the child, to being the parent to your own parents. Yet it needs to be done. Google Eric Berne's The Parent Adult Child Model (PAC) and the Transactional Analysis theory. More than one MNetter has found therapy, and a chance to examine how they behave with their parents, useful.

The week away, with a good chat, sounds like a good idea. Or do a deal with the sister and have her step in for one weekend only whilst you go away.

I would push for him then having a constructive conversation with his sister, and then a joint discussion with your iLs.

They need a POA. If nothing else and something happens to your MiL, decisions on both will be made by Social Services until the Court of Protection decide, which could well be a year, and expensive. (And they should not expect your DH to run round after them in ever decreasing circles if they fail to take the basic step to empower him to care of them.)

Once this is through your husband should insist that certain tasks, like maintenance and gardening, are delegated, moving onto cleaning, shopping and general care.

He should also research sheltered housing options. Insisting on your home seems to be an emotional response to not accepting the changes that come with age. Perfectly understandable, so it is worth looking at the benefits from your parents point of view. My mother eventually confessed that she enjoyed her "very sheltered" flat, and the company. She had been lonely and frightened on her own. Support, ironically, can give them more independence, as you can make the most of what you have. They may be frightened of the upheaval of a move. Explain that it is a chance to move just a few things and that you will help sort the rest in slower time, and that you will handjhold through the buying and selling. And that it will be a chance for your mother to settle and make friends before she finds herself on her own. Thus giving her a better quality of life for longer. It helped that the priest confirmed that it was a nice place, and that my mother, when she went for an introductory lunch, saw someone she had known at the golf club.

I used my DH as a reason to put up boundaries when my mother was too demanding. She was old fashioned enough to believe that my first duty was to have DH's tea sitting on the table when he came home from work. I am not sure that the same holds true for a wife. But again think about what "excuses" might work for them, if need be fibbing a little. Bad back = can't do gardening.

If your DH absolutely refuses to set contructive and pragmatic boundaries that allow you time as a couple or for him to support you at home, then, obviusly, you have a decison to make. But first try to get him to be realistic in terms of his support for his parents. Delegating obvious tasks does not mean he is not a good son.

[Needmoresleep]

Sorry that was so long...

[Dozer]

Your H isn’t doing anyone any favours in the medium term. At any time one or both parents could require much more help and personal care than he can provide.

Do he and his sister have power of attorney?

Perhaps this is something he could explore in counselling for himself, or for discussion in couples’ counselling, eg with a BACP registered practitioner.

His sister is not U to have boundaries about what she is and isn’t willing to do.

Some hard conversations and decisions are likely to be needed.

[FinallyHere]

After a few false starts some years ago, we have recently started to have some paid carers attend my mother. We have found the service from HomeInstead really good.

They are a franchise, so your experience may vary, wanted you to know that others have been in your situation and found a way through. Finding people who are good, and fit in easily, makes the whole idea of carers much more possible. I know you still need to get DH onside, all the best.

[Fairylea]

I feel sorry for both of you, I think it’s a bit of an impossibile situation if no one is prepared to give way on anything.

I actually feel this may be my own situation in the future. My mum is becoming more and more debilitated by ill health and as her only child I feel like her care will fall to me, and actually for the most part that’s okay because I have a very close relationship with my mum and feel I would want to do all I can to help her (as we did for my Gran whom we both lived with until she died of bowel cancer at home with both of us). I’m not sure how my dh will feel about it all. He comes from a larger family where there are more siblings and parents in better health so I doubt the sense of needing to do anything will feel the same to him.

All very difficult!

[ElspethFlashman]

Hes in that limbo land, which many of us who have been there recognise, that bit where they refuse the very idea of carers but badly need them.

I have no advise as I was your DH and people used to say to me to leave them to it, but you wouldn't leave a dog in their own filth, let alone someone you loved.

What happened in my case was fairly typical - a health crisis causing hospitalisation and carers being organised for their return home.

That is often how people come to accept carers- when they have no choice.

I suspect that is what you will end up waiting for too.

In the meantime he has to have a full on row with his sister. She has to alternate days with him, or certainly weekends.

And he also has to pay someone to do the lawn - he may not mind doing it, but he needs to start pushing back on the small things.

By the way, whats his Plan B? If his back went, how would they manage?

Do they have a hoist or is he lifting his Dad onto the toilet? He is going to absolutely destroy his back, believe me.

[Dozer]

His sister doesn’t “have” to share the care. Her views and wishes haven’t thus far been taken into account and she can set her own boundaries.

[FinallyHere]

Another voice to remind us that it is really not fair to suggest that he has to have a full on row with his sister. She has to alternate days with him, or certainly weekends.

The sister has been clear about where her boundaries, and, like any adult, these are her own business

One of unexpected but great side effects of my parents needing more care, has been how my sister and I have been there to ,have each others backs' and to share the load. It is a pity when siblings do not have a shared view of what should happen, they will each have their own view and deservedly so.

[Needmoresleep]

I don't know if @anson is still around, but I am appreciating the irony that her DH should insist that his DSis should take on the sort of burden that is putting his own marriage under strain.

Much better to review the burden and consider what is essential and what can be delegated/shared.

[N3wL0gin]

Your DH is obviously doing alot to help. How would parents manage if you didn't live close. They could pay for cleaner and gardener. What happens if you go on holiday or are I'll ?

[differenteverytime]

If it has crept up in stages, perhaps it could be tackled in stages, at least at the start? Get a principle established of someone other than your dh doing something, and the rest gets easier (I speak from experience). You could do this by putting your foot down about one specific thing, and in your case - considering the time of year - I would advise you to start with the garden. That is a purely practical thing, but hugely time-consuming. Okay, it isn't going to address the big picture of personal care, POA, downshifting, etc. But it would save a load of time and be the first step in getting them to accept help from other people - which they will absolutely have to do. And your dh must make very sure he doesn't drift into using the time that saves to do other things for them instead.