Advice about caring for elderly grandparents

[Babyiwantabump]

Hi ,
Basically my grandad has vascular dementia and many other health issues and my Nanna is also under investigation for memory loss at the moment . She also recently had a fall which resulted in a fractured pelvis and so cannot currently care for my grandad as she did previously.
We have had to put my grandad in respite for a week to give my Nanna a bit of a break but I don’t really want this to be a long term soloution.

What I want to do is ultimately combine our family so that my grandparents come and live with me . At the moment my house is simply not big enough and neither is there’s . There would be 7 of us in total in the new house .

I have been looking at 5-6 bedroom houses and houses with annexes as thinking this would give them a sense of some independence and privacy as well as somewhere to go away from my 3 noisy kids if they needed to .

I’m just asking for stories where people have done a similar thing and how did it work? If it worked out at all .

I really don’t think that they are at the point where they need to go into a care home at the moment and I don’t want that for them anyway , but even with the support of district nurses and carers visiting twice a day there has been errors made (my Nanna managing all medication etc) and I just think they need more support .

I really don’t know where to look or what to do . They are not eligible for any financial assistance if that makes any difference.

Sorry if this is waffley. It’s been an emotionally exhausting week .

Thanks in advance for any advice or help .

[MoreHairyThanScary]

I think the first question needs to be what do they want?

Do either of the have capacity (and the true definition where all means to establish their wishes have been attempted.)

Do any other family members have a view on this?

If they want to live with you and have capacity to make that decision it will still not be easy, what happens when they need more care, wandering or violent behaviour? Don't recognise you?
If they need to pay for care what will happen to your home if your finances are blended? ( you may need to sell / remortgage to buy them out. )

Caring for an individual with dementia is a relentless 24/7 job, with little respite. Care staff get down time and days off with a young family you are unlikely to have that.

Have you investigated the costs of a live in carer?

Good luck OP I think you will need it

[AstrantiaMajor]

May I be brutally honest and say ‘ Don’t do it without living with them yourself for a while’. I assume that you have children and unless they are teenagers, it will be very hard on them to share their home with the GPS.

The care needs for 2 people with this illness are 24/7. You never have a moment rest as you are always trying to keep them safe. Whether it is trying to cook for themselves or going walk-about or climbing on chairs to fix the lights. Then keeping their meds away from kids, the fact that at anytime they may appear naked or start to undress. Then their is the constant battles with SS, and attending health appointments with them.

Some people with the disease do none of these things, but others do and also can become verbally aggressive.

For the past 15 years have been a carer for 3 relatives. with Alzheimer’s. The last one died 18 months ago and I felt I had been let out of prison.

Being retired, I did not have a family to care for but they took away my health by their demands.

[Babyiwantabump]

Thank you for both reply’s .

I really don’t know what to do for the best . At the moment we are trying to arrange carers at home for them but I don’t see this going well as we are already having issues with them not being able to come out in the evening past 3pm!

It’s so hard to watch them struggle and not be able to do anything.

I think I have a lot to think about .

[abitdowninthedumps]

Have you looked at the option of a live in carer for them? It can work very well, it’s expensive but you don’t have a lot of options.

I would also caution against taking them in, needing care and sharing a home are very different concepts. It would have a significant impact on your dc, how old are they?

[Puffycat]

Oh gosh I was really moved by your post.
I think its wonderful that you are planning on how to look after your old folks at home.
You do have a lot to think about Babyiwantabump.
It’s really not easy caring for elderly loved ones at home, it can be done if you’ve got the room, the time etc
I’ve done it and have to say it was a privilege to be there
You’ve got to also think about you kids tho.
Buying a new bigger house sounds also sounds like s big step

[Thistly]

Hi,
You don't talk about wider family... Why is it you who is considering taking on this responsibility?

I care for my last remaining grandparent, but the burden is much less as able to live independently in bungalow so I do daily visits, shopping organizing etc.
I also feel it is a huge privilege, but on top of caring for my kids, I think this responsibility is holding my working life back. This is important for someone in their 30's and 40's, and I think you should seriously consider if any relatives who are retirement age could be taking on this responsibility instead of you.
In our case, it made more sense for me to take this on given the challenges/ resources available but I wish I had considered this factor more throughly before taking the responsibility on.
Good luck working out what to do.

[Babyiwantabump]

My parents are divorced and I don’t think my dad could handle it alone .

My sister lives miles and miles away and is also much younger and the rest of the family live on the other side of the world so it is only really me that could do it.

[annandale]

I am really not sure whether it is realistic to care for even one grandparent with dementia plus 3 children and keep them all safe - add another person with memory problems in and - ?

How old are the children?

Does your dad have to do it alone? Could he contribute somehow?

I would look very carefully and without prejudice at how your grandparent does in respite care. You might see that in fact your grandparent does very well in a nursing home setting - I'm not a huge nursing home fan but a specialist dementia home can be significantly better than being at home, not just in safety but in enjoying life too. Dementia is simply different from a lot of other conditions - it is possible to care for many very frail people who are aware of their own limitations at home much more easily than some really quite robust people with dementia.

[Thistly]

I would contact your local carers' organization before making definite plans. The workers there will be used to supporting people in all sorts of different caring roles, and will be able to talk options through with you in an informed way. I dont think I could do what you are proposing to do. I think the strain would be massive, and affect all your relationships with your OH as we'll as your kids. Wishing you all the best with difficult decisions.