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Can I manage one last fight?

(9 Posts)
user1471456416 Wed 21-Feb-18 07:55:54

My mom passed away recently.I have cared for her my whole life. I loved her but she was violent( when I was a child)difficult and demanding. Very physically disabled, many complex health issues and finally dementia that made her difficult personality much worse.
But I cared for her and managed to keep her in her own home except for the last 5 weeks of her life when her sheltered housing refused to have her back so she went to a nursing home.(she hated it and just screamed and shouted the whole time she was there.)
She was neglected in the nursing home and I was very vocal about it. I reported it to relevant authorities and I was told it would be investigated as a matter of urgency.
She was admitted to hospital 5 weeks after moving to nursing home and I told everyone concerned that she would not be returning to nursing home but she passed away. I believe the neglectful care contributed to her death and told every proffessional I thought this. I also informed the local authority who paid for all her are fees.
Despite asking for information regarding my reported safeguarding concerns no one has got back to me. I rang local authority yesterday and they basically have are record of one phone call and that's it. That couldn't even tell Me if it had been investigated.
I should add caring for mom has nearly broken me,both physically and mentally.
I'm outraged and heart broken but I don't think I can fight this battle.i cried all day yesterday after the phone call and could feel the anxiety rise again. They safeguarding team promised to phone me back yesterday but didn't and I know from previous experiences it will be dealt with incompetently.
But, i feel immense guilt at not demanding it be investigated further.
But, I've been fighting and caring for over 40 years and I'm tired and have only just gained my freedom from caring for a abusive difficult parent.
Is there any point fighting this battle that I already know I will lose.

PurpleWithRed Wed 21-Feb-18 08:02:00

I would say invest the time and energy in getting some counselling for yourself - you’ve had a very very rough ride and given your heart and soul up to look after her. I am sure you made her life so much better than it could have been, but it’s time for you to rest and heal and find a new path forwards that lets you live your own life.

NoStraightEdges Wed 21-Feb-18 08:07:05

Ah, you've been through the mill. Fighting this last fight doesn't prove you loved your mum-your actions over 40 years showed how much you cared-even when things were awful it sounds like you were there.

You can phone the Care Quality Comission (unless they've had a name change) and try that way. I understand that you feel the need to do this-to protect other people and to honour your mum, but maybe there's a different way?

Maybe give yourself some time to grieve and readjust and see how you feel in a week.

If you do want to fight it, your local MP might be helpful.

But no one will judge you if it is all too much and you let it go.

flowers

retirednow Wed 21-Feb-18 11:01:21

This sounds very difficult for you, your mum was lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Its natural that you want to fight for her, as she died in hospital would it help if you spoke to the doctor who was looking after her, you could ring them and ask. If she suffered neglect at the carehome you could call the care quality commission as someone else suggested. flowers

Needmoresleep Wed 21-Feb-18 15:21:37

Park it for a couple of weeks or even a month or two. Then if you still feel something needs to be said, write a careful letter detailing the circumstances and problems. Research who to send it to, possibly CQC, but copy SS, and perhaps GP, MP and local paper.

Focus on any substandard care/neglect and the systemic failure to address your complaints. Explain that there is a delay in sending it because of your need to grieve, and your desire to ensure your complaint is factual and constructive, to help ensure improvements are achieved for others.

In short aim for a single well aimed torpedo, rather than a lengthy fight. The torpedo may or may not detonate. The chances are though that if yours is not the only one, sooner or later one will.

My experience with bureaucracy is that it only responds when it needs to. Fighting will wear the individual down. However adding your voice to others may be the point at which it can ignore things no longer. Or contribute to an increasing head of steam which will one day provoke action. Fighting will not help you or your mother, but I think it may be useful for you to record her unsatisfactory treatment, at a point when you can do so in a factual and effective way.

The first priority is to look after yourself and get to that point.

user1471456416 Thu 22-Feb-18 08:20:02

Thank you
I phoned the safeguarding team again yesterday who apologised profusely for not returning my call and promised a manager would call me ASAP. Of course, no one called.
The last two nights I have had the awful stress dreams about mom that I used to have regularly when she was alive.Ive also been tearful and on edge.
I think I'm going to leave it for now and see how I feel at a later date. Maybe i'll be stronger soon.
I did go to the doctor but lack of funds means they are no longer accepting anyone for the counsellor waiting list.

FinallyHere Thu 22-Feb-18 08:35:35

* leave it for now and see how I feel at a later date*

This seems very sensible to me. You have had to deal with a lot in your life, which means that you may not be used to really caring for and nurturing yourself. Your focus has always been on your mother, which have been very kind if you.. Now its time to be kind to yourself. Start by doing one thing for yourself everyday which is lovely and does not have to be done,

Could be as simple as enjoying a cup of tea (if you do like tea), or watching the clouds. Challenge yourself to find how many different things you can find to do for yourself just because you enjoy it, and how often you can do them. Make it your job to do something once a day for a while, then allow it to become just they way you live your life. All the very best...

eljay2 Thu 22-Feb-18 08:42:39

Sorry for your loss flowers. I personally think you should focus on building up your own strength and grieving.

However, if you do think you would want to follow this up at a later date I would sit down now and make your own notes of the timeline including dates/times of calls and what was said. Screenshot any emails etc. This information will be more difficult to recall/recreate at a later date. You can file it away for now..

ZandathePanda Mon 26-Feb-18 19:06:16

I would try and gather strength to do an email stating names, dates and when people didn't get back to you. I would then copy in everyone you can get the names of. I would then get a big glass of wine and have a hot bubble bath and let everyone else kick off from there. You've done your bit.

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