Try to keep this brief, but don't want to drop feed
I live in the UK (with DH and our 2 teens), my widowed DM (with start of dementia and a live in carer/house keeper) lives in Germany, DB lives 80 minutes drive away from her, he has wife and 3 DS (eldest is 19)
My dad died 3 years ago, since then my DM has spent every Christmas with me and my family
I try to go to see DM every 6-10 weeks - depending on my work (I'm freelance) and DH business travel
When I visit I always go during week - tend to go for 2-3 days) so I can arrange things for her, accompany her to doctor visits, bank visits, sort out things for her house etc
DB does not invite our mum ever. ( she has visited my home more times than his)
He visits about the same amount of time as I do, but generally for one afternoon during the weekend - so can't do anything "practical" for her.
This last Christmas DM said, travel to UK is too much for her (last year DB flew over with her and back the next day, then a few days later my nephew came and flew back with her, we could have arranged similar this year, I offered to fly over and pick her up and my DS would fly back with her)
DB did not invite her as his MIL is always spending Christmas with them .
I didn't press why he couldn't pick DM up for just a day ( theoretically my nephew and my DB could share the drives) - DM and DB's MIL get on well.
I'm not particular close to DM (possibly because both myself and DB went to boarding school at age 9/10), I moved to UK 30 years ago, but have regularly visited my parents/DM and call DM daily.
DM is very quiet, never makes a fuss, would sleep on the sofa all day if she was left to her own devices (she is depressed and is on anti depressants), is not really interested in anything - briefly, she is a very undemanding guest, (when she visits me I make sure we go for two walks a day and try and watch music programmes with her)
SIL doesn't like DM, has previously (jokingly) said that it doesn't really matter if we visit DM as she forgets about it a few hours later anyway
DM spent Christmas in her home with her carer.
DB visited her early Dec (for a couple of hours in the evening) and then told me that he won't see her again until sometime in January
I tried to book a flight just before Christmas but it was too expensive (I'm now going next week)
Thank you for staying with me so far ... I'm really angry with DB because I think he is mean to our DM.
Am I right?
I feel that if I had an open conversation with him about it I would be saying things that might destroy our "relationship" - I dont want to have bad blood. At the same time I feel I need to talk to him about it.
Should I send him an email instead (could be more controlled)?
WWYD?
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Elderly parents
Advice please, very angry at my DB who will not see/invite our DM over Christmas
6 replies
viktoria · 01/01/2018 16:28
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