Advice please, very angry at my DB who will not see/invite our DM over Christmas

[viktoria]

Try to keep this brief, but don't want to drop feed
I live in the UK (with DH and our 2 teens), my widowed DM (with start of dementia and a live in carer/house keeper) lives in Germany, DB lives 80 minutes drive away from her, he has wife and 3 DS (eldest is 19)
My dad died 3 years ago, since then my DM has spent every Christmas with me and my family
I try to go to see DM every 6-10 weeks - depending on my work (I'm freelance) and DH business travel
When I visit I always go during week - tend to go for 2-3 days) so I can arrange things for her, accompany her to doctor visits, bank visits, sort out things for her house etc
DB does not invite our mum ever. ( she has visited my home more times than his)
He visits about the same amount of time as I do, but generally for one afternoon during the weekend - so can't do anything "practical" for her.
This last Christmas DM said, travel to UK is too much for her (last year DB flew over with her and back the next day, then a few days later my nephew came and flew back with her, we could have arranged similar this year, I offered to fly over and pick her up and my DS would fly back with her)
DB did not invite her as his MIL is always spending Christmas with them .
I didn't press why he couldn't pick DM up for just a day ( theoretically my nephew and my DB could share the drives) - DM and DB's MIL get on well.
I'm not particular close to DM (possibly because both myself and DB went to boarding school at age 9/10), I moved to UK 30 years ago, but have regularly visited my parents/DM and call DM daily.
DM is very quiet, never makes a fuss, would sleep on the sofa all day if she was left to her own devices (she is depressed and is on anti depressants), is not really interested in anything - briefly, she is a very undemanding guest, (when she visits me I make sure we go for two walks a day and try and watch music programmes with her)
SIL doesn't like DM, has previously (jokingly) said that it doesn't really matter if we visit DM as she forgets about it a few hours later anyway
DM spent Christmas in her home with her carer.
DB visited her early Dec (for a couple of hours in the evening) and then told me that he won't see her again until sometime in January
I tried to book a flight just before Christmas but it was too expensive (I'm now going next week)

Thank you for staying with me so far ... I'm really angry with DB because I think he is mean to our DM.
Am I right?
I feel that if I had an open conversation with him about it I would be saying things that might destroy our "relationship" - I dont want to have bad blood. At the same time I feel I need to talk to him about it.
Should I send him an email instead (could be more controlled)?
WWYD?

[BadCarrot]

Christmas is over rated, it's only one day. Your Mum has had company over the holiday in her own home which is fine. I suspect many of my elderly relations would have preferred to spend Xmas in their own home with someone around to cook/ chat than the upheaval and unfamiliarity of staying at relatives houses - it's certainly what my Mum says now!

If you both spend about the same time seeing her then this balances out. Presumably the carer/ housekeeper can go with her to appointments so that's not a major concern. I'd ask DB if he could try to time his visits when she needs help or when the carer is on holiday/ ill. I don't think he's being mean; he could be more generous with his time but he's not "mean"

Hope you find a way round all this.

[TeeBee]

You can't force someone to care. It's not ideal but he doesn't have a responsibility towards her, even if you choose to do that yourself. It's a bit shitty but what can you do?

[viktoria]

Thank you, Bad and Tee.
In a way I wanted to hear people say "you are so right, your DB is TERRIBLE". But your replies were actually much more helpful.
I've since been to see my mum. She's ok - she hadn't unwrapped my Christmas present as she wanted to do that when I was there...
I just need to do what I feel is right, that's the only thing I can control.

[A580Hojas]

Yes, I think I would send an email because you can word it very carefully and make sure you say everything you want to say.

However, he may have good reasons for not wanting to spend time with your mother. I know it doesn't seem fair on you, but he isn't the same as you and he doesn't have the same relationship with her as you. He might find her genuinely unbearable for reasons that you no nothing about.

Perhaps you could ask him about this in your email - not in an aggressive way but in a genuinely interested way?

[A580Hojas]

*know nothing about

[AmberTopaz]

I can totally understand your feelings OP, but as others have said you can’t control the relationship your brother and Mum have.

Just a thought, but if you and DB were both sent away to boarding school at a young age, is it possible that he feels less responsibility to look after her now? I know my mum felt that way about her own parents.