My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Elderly parents

Ending all contact with my mother

3 replies

ffab · 28/12/2017 23:22

I went ‘no contact’ with my mother and two of my sisters 18 months ago. My life has improved immeasurably since. This Christmas has been happy, peaceful and relaxing with none of the chaos, sniping and blaming that characterised previous ones.

My father was violent and in trying to protect my mother I was often physically beaten. This started as young as I can remember and went on until he died when I was ten.

At thirteen I was sent to spend Christmas with family friends. The father, a pastor, tried to kiss and grope me every time he his wife’s back was turned. I called my mother, told her what was happening and that I wanted to come home. She said it would look bad if I left early. I always took the view that she did her best as a parent but remembering this incident recently I'm not so sure.

The final straw was when I bought a house and renovated it to include a granny flat for her. She made many demands during the build, including wanting a second bedroom, and a bath as well as a shower although she is physically unable to get into a bath.

I neither asked for not received any financial help from her any of my eight siblings on the flat. When I asked if they could help with her utility bills two sisters reacted very badly.

Instead of simply saying they couldn't afford it they accused me of trying to rip them off. My mother took their side and with no discussion at all with me, a week before she was due to move in, announced that she would no longer be coming.

This was the third time I have tried to arrange accommodation for her, and each time she has found a reason not to move in, whilst still complaining about how hard she is finding it living on her own. It finally dawned on me that nothing I do will be good enough, and in fact the more I do the more I am criticised.

I saw not one but two therapists both of whom agreed that it would be best for my mental health if I ended contact.

They have tried to get in touch by sending birthday cards to my office but interestingly enough through all of the messages there has never been an apology. I have blocked their phone numbers and removed them from social media.

I have long since stopped trying to fathom out their motives I simply plan to live my life and live it well. I have made peace with the fact that as my mother, is now in her late 80’s I will not see her again before she dies.

One unexpected benefit is that my relationship with my own two (now adult) daughters has improved dramatically. My family used to criticise me behind my back, telling my children that I was cold, uncaring, selfish and a neglectful mother. I used to try to laugh it off when my children repeated the stories back to me but now realise that it was poisoning my relationship with my children. My oldest DD, (aged 24) has noticed that some of the scapegoating that used to be directed at me is now coming her way, so she has reduced her contact with her grandmother and aunts.

I do miss my family but the peace of mind I now have since I stopped being gaslighted by them is more than worth it.

I'd be very interested to hear from other people who are thinking of or have decided to break all contact with their family and to know how this works out over time.

OP posts:
Report
user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 02:29

I'm nc with my in laws, dh is not and I wouldn't expect him to either. He is just low contact.

I'm much happier for it. I tried hard with them after some exceptionally nasty behaviour and the death of my son I had to go nc.

Good for you. It's a very hard decision to make but you have to eventually be kind to yourself

Report
springydaffs · 02/01/2018 22:43

I think NC is drastic. Not called the nuclear option for nothing...

I've read your story and you are of course fully justified in going NC. Except imo it usually causes immense pain.

I also am fully justified in going NC with my parents. For their sake I was LC with them for a long time. Imo they are very damaged people who have therefore been very damaging. I view them as people with disabilities.

I am NC with my siblings without a backwards glance. I couldn't give a fuck about them, even tho they are very probably products of our parenting.

You could keep contact with your mum very low but not total. I know this is hard.

Report
user1485778793 · 03/01/2018 00:03

I agree with springydaffs, nc can be painfully and hard.

I can't stay nc with my in-laws for ever. It just isn't possible as I'm pregnant and dh wants them to meet the baby. But we have agreed it will always be on our terms which we've already agreed on. Absolutely no unsupervised access whatsoever.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.