I went ‘no contact’ with my mother and two of my sisters 18 months ago. My life has improved immeasurably since. This Christmas has been happy, peaceful and relaxing with none of the chaos, sniping and blaming that characterised previous ones.
My father was violent and in trying to protect my mother I was often physically beaten. This started as young as I can remember and went on until he died when I was ten.
At thirteen I was sent to spend Christmas with family friends. The father, a pastor, tried to kiss and grope me every time he his wife’s back was turned. I called my mother, told her what was happening and that I wanted to come home. She said it would look bad if I left early. I always took the view that she did her best as a parent but remembering this incident recently I'm not so sure.
The final straw was when I bought a house and renovated it to include a granny flat for her. She made many demands during the build, including wanting a second bedroom, and a bath as well as a shower although she is physically unable to get into a bath.
I neither asked for not received any financial help from her any of my eight siblings on the flat. When I asked if they could help with her utility bills two sisters reacted very badly.
Instead of simply saying they couldn't afford it they accused me of trying to rip them off. My mother took their side and with no discussion at all with me, a week before she was due to move in, announced that she would no longer be coming.
This was the third time I have tried to arrange accommodation for her, and each time she has found a reason not to move in, whilst still complaining about how hard she is finding it living on her own. It finally dawned on me that nothing I do will be good enough, and in fact the more I do the more I am criticised.
I saw not one but two therapists both of whom agreed that it would be best for my mental health if I ended contact.
They have tried to get in touch by sending birthday cards to my office but interestingly enough through all of the messages there has never been an apology. I have blocked their phone numbers and removed them from social media.
I have long since stopped trying to fathom out their motives I simply plan to live my life and live it well. I have made peace with the fact that as my mother, is now in her late 80’s I will not see her again before she dies.
One unexpected benefit is that my relationship with my own two (now adult) daughters has improved dramatically. My family used to criticise me behind my back, telling my children that I was cold, uncaring, selfish and a neglectful mother. I used to try to laugh it off when my children repeated the stories back to me but now realise that it was poisoning my relationship with my children. My oldest DD, (aged 24) has noticed that some of the scapegoating that used to be directed at me is now coming her way, so she has reduced her contact with her grandmother and aunts.
I do miss my family but the peace of mind I now have since I stopped being gaslighted by them is more than worth it.
I'd be very interested to hear from other people who are thinking of or have decided to break all contact with their family and to know how this works out over time.
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Elderly parents
Ending all contact with my mother
3 replies
ffab · 28/12/2017 23:22
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