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who is right?

(5 Posts)
scrabble1 Sun 03-Dec-17 18:24:35

I'm stuck in the middle of things between DH and MIL.
MIL and FIL both are 88, he has dementia and Parkinson's.MIL always been very sprightly and not worked since had their only child. We asked that she accept a few hours of care once a week, while she goes to get her hair done. FIL shouldn't be left alone. We also rang the GP as FIL feet were badly swollen and she kept making excuses for not ringing. She refused any help and told us to stop interfering and not to ring the GP as the GP is too busy. Things have worsened with FIL having toilet accidents and her back pain, so she has finally agreed to meet care agency. However, made a big fuss about the cost. We suggested that she have her hair done at another salon, instead of the 5/6 hour round trip and £ 26 taxis she makes to the other side of the city at the moment. She refuses because that salon has a nice atmosphere?
Went to the toilet today and it was in a mess. When I finally went back down stairs after cleaning it , she denied it being like that.
My DH felt it was reasonable to ask her to consider a closer hairdresser. He rings GP if FIL needs seeing by GP. She started shouting and saying she hasn't had any freedom, despite going on cruises and long haul holidays in the not so distant past.
Who is in the right?

Alicecooperslovechild Sun 03-Dec-17 18:46:41

I don"t think that either of them are BU. I think that you are all stuck in a horrible situation. Your MIL is probably trying to hold on to the one piece of freedom and normality that she has. Caring for someone with dementia or similar is physically and mentally exhausting. She is probably also scared of the future.

Your husband is trying to be practical and, whilst I can see the logic in his suggestion I don't think that he perhaps understands that she needs more than just getting her hair done. She needs the break and to go somewhere familiar and that belongs to her old life.

My parents are in a similar situation (although DM is the sick one) and both she and my Dad are terrified of the future and don't want outside help. What they want is their old life back and knowing that you can't give them that can be heartbreaking.

My practical suggestions would be to talk to your GP about drop in centres and day care. Also some charities can help with someone to sit with a person for a couple of hours to provide a break.

Most of all, good luck. Sadly there is no quick or easy solution.

stayathomegardener Sun 03-Dec-17 18:49:48

I'm confused, surely getting help in will support mil and offer her more freedoms.
So she continues to go on a mad hairdresser journey but she also accepts Carers coming in.

stayathomegardener Sun 03-Dec-17 18:52:52

Do look at financial support they may be entitled to as that would mitigate the costs argument.
Carers daily for 15 minuets should not cost more than the weekly care allowance and the form is not too taxing.

retirednow Sun 03-Dec-17 18:58:04

Fil may not be getting the care he needs, call gp and arrange a visit.

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