Moved Mum into nursing home yesterday - oh the relief

[devilinme]

Been lurching from one crisis to the next since January. Diabetes, arthritis ( she can barely walk anymore ) falls, Uti's, hospital stays double incontinence and permanent catheterisation. I am an only child.

I moved her in with me back in June as the juggling work/kids/journeys to her house an hour each way often twice a week was unmanageable. However, having not lived with her for 30 years I'd forgotten the reason I left home in the first place - to get away from her. So she came, along with her rampant narcissicism and reduced me to a servant within days. Getting her out of her room was just not worth the tongue lashing, despite at this point she could still walk with her frame and manage all her insulin and other meds. She still managed to get to the loo for a poo, however she relied on incontinence pants to avoid going to the loo for a wee. Why I thought this would work and we'd have a wonderful time together is a mystery to me. Her refusal to wear her hearing aid only added to the problems.

Six weeks ago she was hospitalised with confusion and raging blood sugar. When she returned to me two weeks ago I had to employ an army of carers coming day and night. Once the district nurses realised I was capable and could administer the meds, they jumped ship.

Through all of this I smiled sweetly and did everything for her, but as some of you may know it was never enough. I was told I was unwell / i used to be such a nice girl / her care just wasn't good enough nada nada. I can assure you all, she is aware of what she is saying.

She does somewhat acknowledge her position, that her needs are too great - I just can't manage her blood sugars and they are continuously high. She went from my house with reluctance but I've stuck to the mantra that I cannot leave her alone for her own safety. She had told me I should give up work but I said I like my job.

The relief I feel that she is now safely taken care of is immense. She wasn't very happy last night sitting in the lounge with other people and making rather disparaging comments about them. I told her to stay positive & make some new friends. I shall not commit to set visits or times and turn up when I am ready. I found the place to be warm & friendly and caring and it's close by.

I can put my family life back on track now and I'm going to get some therapy. It's been tough.

[Bella8]

devilinme Oh I feel for you. You have just described my own narcissistic mother in 15/20 years time! I think the older they get the more these complaining and irrational traits they have comes out more! Dm is bloody exhausting now with her various ailments (they're never as bad as she makes out) although you'd think they were life threatening way she dramatises it all
My worst nightmare would be for DM to end up in my own home and I think it would drive me very quickly insane. And they're never happy are they; always somebody or something that's not as good as it should be! Nobody in the world has had as bad experience as they have in the health service.
You need to celebrate with some drinks and nibbles; you'll get a bit peace now. I bet in afew weeks your dm will love it as soon as she's made a few friends.
I'm not surprised you need some therapy after all you've had to cope with; things will get better soon.

[Bella8]

Oh and I agree definitely don't give your mother set visit times or she'll hold you to them come rain or shine and god forbid you missed a one or had to rearrange. My dm was just in hospital recently (she admitted herself for something ring could have been treated at home.) I have a 9 month old baby yet was given an exact time and say to visit her. When I challenged it saying I'd come on x day at x time as couldn't make it then I got a barrage of negativity 'you don't care about me' god forbid you get unwell' blar blar blar it went on!

[Bella8]

that*

[Bella8]

day*

[ggirl]

Well done ..after reading that I'm relieved for you as well.
I visit nursing homes daily as part of my job and some of them are lovely I almost want to book my room.

[devilinme]

What I didn't realise bella8 is that I have emotionally supported my mum for all of my life and I had forgotten that I used to worry if dad died first and left me with her - I loved and felt loved by my dad. My mum makes me feel like there's a massive void inside me where she has sucked out my energy.

She only went yesterday and I feel like I've emerged from a war zone

[BillyDaveysDaughter]

Wow, what a relief for you.

You've done enough now, you can breathe again!

My 80 year old mum is in the early stages of alzheimers dementia, still living independently but in a retirement complex with wardens etc. The difference between you and I is that my mother is very very loving, and we have quite a close relationship. We went on holiday together twice when she was in her 70s, and she's coming away with us at Christmas!

As much as I adore her, I am NOT a carer - and she has specifically said she doesn't want me to be, and that I am to put her in a home when she's fully bananas because she "shan't mind". But I do worry what the next few years holds. I am hoping that she can have carers at home for a while when the decline slowly sets in, so she can remain independent as long as possible - I am 30 mins away but work full time, I see her at least once a week at the moment.

I wish I knew what was going to happen for sure.

I hope your mum settles quickly and you can have some peace. Sounds like you did everything you could, welcome back to your life!

[whoareyoukidding]

Well done, OP, I fully understand the worry and guilt that an elderly parent can inspire in one. I think you've handled everything perfectly

[thesandwich]

Well done devil. You have achieved so much for her. I recognise so much of what you say. I feel the same as you re supporting dm- yet I have golden siblings( male) who are preferred.
Enjoy your freedom- you have done more than anyone could expect. My dm is in a home for respite at the moment after a fracture and hates it although it is lovely. Put yourself and your family first.

[Bella8]

devilinme aww poor you
Are you me? That's exactly word for word how I feel about my parents. It's like my Mother sucks all of my energy and there's nothing left to feel much for her. I should love her and I suppose I do in my own way but not the way I love dad.
Now you're out of the war zone time for you to heal and take some much deserved 'you time' Now she's in the home you know your mother is well taken care of and you have done so much for her. It's time for you now x

[PositiveAttitude]

Devilinme It is such a relief, isn't it? The relationship with my mum was great and she was in a home for the last 2 years of her life (died end of August this year)
A different story with my dad who is now in the same nursing home. He is a very difficult man and when he was living at home alone he was very demanding. For example he would phone me repeatedly through the day (sometimes up to 6 times) and would yell down the phone "I need you to get here NOW!!" He would then put the phone down. I would have to leave work, or whatever I was doing, drive the 10-15 minutes to his house never knowing what i would find. He could be lying on the floor having fallen, or, as actually happened when I walked in the door he yelled at me "Where is the cheese that you put in the fridge?" This went on for months and months and was totally exhausting. He went into hospital at the beginning of this year and the relief was immense.
He does keep threatening saying that he wants to go back home, but he is now doubly incontinent, cannot stand/walk/transfer from bed to chair alone, or do anything for himself really and I know he would expect me or my sister to give up any sort of work/life to be with him. No way could he come and live with me - that would be a total disaster.

Enjoy your freedom. Visit when you want to, when is convenient for you and walk away without guilt if you mum starts on at you in the home.

[hadtoughtimes]

NC,

Dear OP, my heart goes out to you, but this is the first chapter in the rest of your life, and do make the most of it.

I am writing this as encouragement for you and to get a few things off my chest too, I hope all readers understand. Sorry it is long, I don't mind if no one reads it, it will help me anyway.

I'm a bit older than all of you I reckon, but boy have we had it tough over the years. Mum had a brain haemmorhage 16 years ago that left her in a bad way. Six months of therapy helped. We took her home. We had a carer for her as Dad had his own business and needed to get back!

Mum sacked or verbally/physically abused every single carer. Every one of them. Two weeks was as much as a carer lasted. In the meantime we children shared her care, took leave of absence from work, etc. Hard work, but it was never enough. She was never happy and never would be. We got the blame, particularly me as I was the target child.

Two years after her illness my darling Dad got sick, we nursed him at home along with Mum. Poor man he was in bits with cancer, but never complained. Meantime Mum said we were ignoring her, there was nothing wrong with him and SHE was the one who was sick. Jesus Christ it was a fkn nightmare.

Then Dad passed away. I don't think I have accepted the fact that such a lovely kind caring man is dead, and that old witch is still here. Sorry I am saying it truthfully.

So then we had a dilemma. We had to get back to work after unpaid leave (carers benefit was paid, but not enough to sustain our families). We decided on respite for a fortnight in a NH close by me. We told her it was a holiday. She actually knew some of the residents and settled in OK.

We made enquiries as to full time care. Two days before she was due to finish her respite a room became available. Dad worked that miracle from beyond the grave for sure. She never came home since and that is 16 years ago now. It is private, Dad left her well provided for.

She has caused havoc total havoc there, hitting, spitting, fighting and so on. Was admitted to a specialist geriatric care unit for assessment. Meds changed, peace for a while, then it would all flare up again.

I had two broken ribs from her physical abuse. It was terrible. Then my youngest sister got cancer and died very shortly after she got married. Then my nephew child of my brother was born with cerebral palsy. You sometimes wonder how you cope. But I think we did somehow and all siblings are very close still.

Mum hates me. I have been in therapy for a long time for this. Very low contact now, there is no point in anything else, there is no added value for her or me. She will never change.

There is so much more. I am in floods writing this. But it's good to get it out.

OP if our Mum was not in the NH we would be dead now. For sure.

Sit back relax and enjoy the freedom of it. I know we all do, Mum's behaviour is not our fault or our responsibility any more. The relief is absolutely immense.

Best of luck.

[thesandwich]

hadtough

[devilinme]

Dear God hadtough your story is heartbreaking
I went to work today but was absolutely exhausted. My very supportive partner popped in to see mum and she said she likes it there. I hope it lasts.

[Mosaic123]

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. You will learn to separate yourself from her. When you visit be as nice as you can be, whatever she says to you, and when you are elsewhere cut off from it all and enjoy your life as much as you can. It's a good way to stay sane

[GraceLeeper]

I can imagine the relief you've felt after sending your mom to the nursing home. Although she's quite handful to handle, it's not that easy to send her away. She's probably safe there, with her current conditions, because she will be attended and look after well by the people from nursing homes.

[LindyLA]

I’m in complete awe of you and many on this site caring for elderly parents . You really are incredible people

[LindyLA]

My goodness ... my heart goes out to you xx

[notaflyingmonkey]

devil how's your mum doing now - and how are you?

hadtough I hope you are doing ok

[devilinme]

Notaflyingmonkey I'm getting on much better now thanks, however, I cannot say the same for mum. She refuses to engage, isolates herself and wants to spend all day in bed ( which they won't allow for health reasons ).

Over the last week she's taken to ringing me all times of the day and night for cups of tea/water/get the nurse. The home operates an open door policy, I have a code to get in at any time and I have no reason to doubt her needs are not met. I've had to tell her to stop.

[thesandwich]

Good to hear from you. So glad you are doing better... it will take time for your Mum to settle if she ever does. Gird your loins and stay strong- as you say, keep an eye on the care but you have done your bit. Enjoy your freedom.

[Orchardgreen]

My mum went into a care home yesterday. She fell four months ago and broke 2 vertebrae, never really picked up and lost weight. She had carers in three times a day, I got a live-in carer, mum hated her, so she had to go. She had another carer three times a day, but she could only manage bedroom-bathroom-lounge shuffle. She's on oxygen. I've had a shit four months, full of worry and waiting for the phone to ring. She was adamant she wanted to stay at home.
Then her best friend and neighbour moved into a lovely brand new care home which is actually a bit nearer to me, and she suddenly said she would like to go too. Yay! It's like a hotel, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to pay for it before the house is sold.
I value my freedom and lack of anxiety over money in the bank!
Desperately hoping this will work because I've run out of options. I stayed at the home yesterday for lunch, and she ate soup and two puddings, more than she's eaten for weeks.
This morning I slept until 10.30.

[Needmoresleep]

Orchard, enjoy your sleep. Only sheltered housing here, but it's so wonderful to not be the first phone call in a crisis. When my mother went into hospital last year, she was already half way there before anyone told me with no need for me to drop everything.

The (expensive) place where my mum was once for convalescence care had great, deliberately tempting, food. It was nice to be able to join my mum for lunch. Especially at a point when I was running ragged sorting out her affairs.

[Orchardgreen]

Thank you. She had a good night and seems well settled. Her electric wheelchair arrived today, and she's got the hang of it, it means she can move around the home independently.
Now I just need to advertise my kidney in ebay!