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How do you handle control freak parents loosing control?

(3 Posts)
AhAgain Sat 11-Nov-17 11:50:21

Sorry, bad title, but if your parent is quite a control freak (bad phrase) and they start loosing their ability to control (eye sight and memory mostly), how do you handle it?

I have been pushing for a cognitive assessment for a few months (prior to recent hospital admission and during the current one she has been there for almost 8 weeks). She is due to be discharged to a nice nursing home this week. Will mean a change of GPs (to someone who regularly cares for those at the home) - so will take it up with him.

However, I am struggling with my mum’s struggle to control things: each time I see her - in addition to all sorts of complaints - she is trying to micromanage me having to sort out her life. Obviously she forgets what she has just micromanaged, so she does it again, and again and again hand again and... This is making me a bit grumpy (which I shouldn’t be), so she then tells me off for being grumpy.

Lots going on at the moment: she is moving to a home from hospital, then on again (or at least this is the plan) to assisted living in 8 weeks. I am trying to sell her flat. There is Christmas in the middle (which I really don’t need). I started a very responsible new job 8 weeks ago (my first in 10 years). I have an 8 year old and a husband. I am struggling.

I do appreciate her feeling out of control and stresses and anxious. I do listen to her concerns, make lists, I am a responsible person and look after her medical appointments and finances. I reassure her that everything is fine, that she doesn’t need to worry and ask her to trust me.

I hope things will improve when she moves to the home (it is very nice), but am positive that she will find things to complain about. She doesn’t have any interests, so spends her days worrying and then dumps that all on me. Then forgets everything, so we have to go through all the details again (in much detail and much emphasis on the importance of, for example her knee high tights) about 10 times. Then next time we rehash the same things.

Visits are getting longer too (near 3 hours), because she simply MUST go through all of this important stuff (doesn’t matter that it is past 9pm, I haven’t eaten dinner and I have a 45 minutes drive home). So visits are not relaxed and enjoyable, they are almost 3 hours of my mum’s best authoritative voice going through all the important things that I must do (many times).

I am having to take a lot on at the moment, but the micromanaging (especially repeatedly of the same things) is stressing me out. sad

Poshindevon Sat 11-Nov-17 12:14:51

Be assured that things will change when your mother goes to the nursing home. You will have support from the staff at the home. The burden of manging her finances
will no longer be there once her flat is sold.
Do not stay 3 hours at the hospital listening to your mother. When you arrive state for example. "Mum I can only stay for an hour" You need to take control and stop her behaviour.
Believe me I have been there my mother was not authoritave or had memory loss but was very very needy. It was 11pm some nights when I left the hospital with a 45 minute drive home and a business to run.
You must become the parent because your mother no longer knows what is in her best interests.
It was a relief when my mother entered the nursing home after 15 weeks in hospital ( she was supposed to go to the home earlier but developed complications)
The nursing home can help with assessments if the hospital wont do it. My mother had an assessment within two weeks of being in the nursing home and received treatment and an understanding of her psychological needs.
The nursing home was marvellous my mother did moan and I often left in tears but the staff were so caring and supportive. Mother made friends in the home and they had many activities. Life became so much easier the pressure was off. My mother has passed away now.
I sympathise and understand what your going through

AhAgain Sat 11-Nov-17 15:53:54

Thanks poshindevon

That sounds incredibly tough.

I don’t tend to cry, but I do have very stress periods each Sat or Sun - I think as I gave up to the reality of another week. I am having very little down time in between work stresses and moving her stresses.

Mum almost had another fall yesterday - minutes before I arrived at hospital - she slipped off of the chair and was hanging on by one hand/wrist (only two it of plaster a week and a half!) until a domestic found her and rescued her. She spent the next 30 minutes after doing that trying to recreate the slip (with me telling her not to), drinking coffee, eating macaroons and then demanding an x-ray where she had hit her wrist (although the nurses convinced her it was a bruise). She was then back to resting her feet on the wheeled bit of the tray table in fdon’t of the chair, I suggested that might be a bad idea (ie she was pushing it a bit with her feet): if she pushes it away with her feet on it, she might follow and topple - that might have been how she slipped. She said that everything was a risk and carried on doing it hmm

Unfortunately the nursing home is supposed to be an interim stage, but I do need to fast track that assessment...

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