Difficult situation FIL being left alone

[scrabble1]

Any advice welcome please. My FIL 88 has Parkinson's and dementia. MIL leaves him once a week for 3/4 hours while she travels to other side of city to have her hair done. He is vulnerable and only last week he put the catch on the door lock unthinkingly and when she returned she could not get in the house. Had to knock on window for 20 mins before he heard.If he fell he would be helpless. A couple of years ago she was in hospital for a long stay as she fell and broke her hip. They live 40 mins away and hubby was worried about his dad overnight. There is a meeting at her house tomorrow with GP, neuro case manager and my husband. On phone today she has accused him of interfering behind her back. She also denies knowing what attendance allowance is, despite having had it explained to her several years ago when they first got it. My husband is at breaking point and worries about his father being left while she goes out. She refuses to have a private agency to sit with him because apparently he doesn't like company.

[Sarikiz]

I understand your concerns and sympathise.
Your MIL must find it very difficult being the sole carer for FIL and she must be elderly also so she is entitled to time off .You may have explained attendabce allowance to MIL until your bkue in the face but she truly may not understand.
My mother did not have dementia but at times could be so unreasonable over the simplest of things I would cry with frustration. I have also been accused of going behind her back to doctor etc.
It is as if they are clinging to their independence and decision making at any cost.
Somehow you need to persuade your MIL to do whats right for her and FIL.
I wish you all the best.

[scrabble1]

Thanks, will keep you updated

[LIZS]

There are charities with volunteers who could befriend them, which may be more acceptable than having a paid carer sit with him. There is nothing wrong with her needing and deserving time away. It is very possible her own health is suffering. Is there a carers' support group locally?

[UsedToBeAPaxmanFan]

If you're FIL qualifies for AA (sounds like he probably would as he needs supervision to stay safe) your dh can help him.complete the form. The money can be used to pay a care worker to sit with your FIL whilst MIL goes out and has a break.

Your dh could talk to his parents about getting a key safe fitted, so if one of them accidentally gets locked out they can use that key to get in. Lots of older people have them including my parents.

You could check if there's a branch of the Carers Trust in the area. They offer support and advice to inform carers. The one in our area completes "What if" plans with people to try to get them to think ahead ("what if your wife has to go into hospital?" "What if your condition deteriorates? ") so that there's something set up in case things change.

Good luck.

[AllTheWittyNamesAreGone]

Caring for someone 24/7 is very difficult, her own mental and physical health must be suffering too.she needs her own time too and shouldn't be made to feel bad for it. Does your dh get involved so she can go off on her own regularly?

[scrabble1]

They have both had attendance allowance for several years. We filled in all the forms and explained what is was but now she is saying she doesn't know what it is! Had to explain it all again. Accused husband of interfering etc. At the meeting today the GP and neurological manager tried to talk her though situations to show how vulnerable they are but she won't listen and is refusing any help. She even said he doesn't need fortisip anymore and he is clearly underweight

[Sarikiz]

Can the GP etc not see that she is being difficult and is not really a suitable carer for FIL?

[notaflyingmonkey]

What about getting him a place in a day centre once a week? That would give her some respite, and give him a bit of support as well.

[Thistledew]

My mother is currently caring for my father in a similar situation. It is relentless hard work, very isolating and depressing. Your MIL probably needs more than one 3/4 hour break a week. If you believe your FIL is not safe to be left alone then please try to explore other options for someone to sit with him, or for him to attend a day centre rather than expecting your MIL to be at home constantly. Bear in mind that she probably doesn't want to admit, even to herself, that she needs a break as it may feel like an admission that it is too much for her and she can't cope.

[scrabble1]

We have suggested a day centre and /or private care agency and she refuses